DivorceCare

Last night in class I took the subject really hard. The entire subject was on the effect of divorce on children. They discussed the bad, the worst and the unbelievable. They had interviews of teens who have "survived" a divorce and adults who reflected on what is what like from a perspective of 10 or 15 years out of the situation.

If you have read this for very long you know that I have children. They just happen to live in Heaven already. I have had several miscarriages... including losing the twins separately. I haven't made it past the 13th week ever, but I am still very attached to them, have named some of them and know that I will know them in Heaven when I see them. I have grieved their losses individually and collectively every week, every month, and at times every minute.

As I sat in class last night watching the video and then listening to the others in the class discuss how difficult it has been on the children and on themselves as well watching their children go through this it hit me like a ton of bricks. For the first time ever I actually felt thankful that my children are not here to witness this.

I did not take this thought well at all. After class I sought out a couple friends to help me understand why I felt this way. You need to understand that this is the ONLY time I have been "happy" that I don't have my kids here with me.

They calmly explained to me that it is a natural feeling to want to protect your children during difficult times. I knew that but.....

"No that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad Mom because you feel that way...it means you are continuing to heal."

Wow! I hadn't thought of it like that. I'm actually feeling the "right thing" that comes naturally to Moms even with my kids in Heaven. I guess I am truly a Mother in my heart...

I feel like I am on the upside of this part of the rollercoaster ride of emotions. I need to remember to lean into God at every turn. Lean on Him when I don't feel like I can go another step forward. Turn to Him...