I am having one of those days that makes me wonder why Big Red would make the choices he has made. I know we had problems in our marriage...every marriage has it's ups and downs and it's "seasons" as the counselor put it.
I can understand to a certain degree making "a mistake". I know we are all fallible creatures and we all sin. Some of the sins have a more lasting impact and greater consequences than other sins.
Ok so he made a mistake! He chose to tell me about it. I didn't discover the affair. I knew something was wrong but he chalked it up to "God dealing with me on some issues". I believed him. I had no reason not to trust him...I thought.
He made a mistake, confessed to me and we should be able to move forward toward "fixing this" right?
I tried. I tried and tried and tried. I stayed longer than most people thought I should or would stay. I set boundaries and he broke them because he "didn't understand" what I had meant. The final straw was when we set up boundaries in counseling and within 24 hours he had totally disregarded those as well and gone to see several of the other women (friends so he says) in his life to tell them he couldn't have contact again. Hello??? Do you honestly hear what you are saying to me? You went to SEE them to CUT CONTACT.... Am I the only one who sees the problem here?
I waited on God. I waited for Him to tell me I had fulfilled my requirements to Him in the marriage. I waited and watched as the cell phone bill continued to show calls to women.. I waited as people came and told me he had been seen in public with another woman. I waited as friends called to tell me the conversations they had overheard where he called them "Sweetie and Honey" and told them when he would be home. I waited.
I can't control his choices only mine. I chose to wait on God. Then during a weekend retreat I got the word I had been waiting for.
I am comfortable with my choices and actions. I wonder if he can say the same?
He made a mistake but he is not choosing to follow the path set in front of us for repairing the marriage. Why would he choose to throw this marriage away? Is it because the grass is greener? It's not. Is it because his taking care of his Mom is more important than working on this? Not according to the Bible. I guess I can't understand why he is being so stupid. It is frustrating!
I will look back at this marriage with no regrets in things left unsaid, undone or not accomplished. I don't know if he will be able to say the same. But it isn't my issue to worry about I guess.
All this stemming from the conversation this morning about the security system going off at the house and finding out he hasn't received his divorce papers yet.
3 comments:
Maybe it's not stupidity. That is too easy. It may be some other matter that he sees that is/was important to him, but that he is unable to articulate and that you are blind to. All of us are blind to a lot things that we were just not brought up to see, or were in fact brought up to avoid.
Trying to puzzle him out is probably pointless now, and you may never know what is really going on while you are still in this life (I'm talking about what is happening in his head, not what he does).
You are doing fine and are doing the right thing. He gave you no choice. You can only do so much if he's not willing to participate in your marriage.
Keep your head up and hang in there? Oh, and does he actually have to be served with papers? Maybe he's avoiding it? I wouldn't be shocked...
This post made me want to cry, since I've felt your the pain you went/going through. My marriage intact but soooo broken. The Lord has shown me my position in His Heart and his love for me. That's what has got me through the hard things. Praying God brings healing with His Truth for you quickly.
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