And people wonder why I get angry???

Why I am angry this weekend you ask? Well a nice combination of Big Red and Mom seem to have done it.


First as I was preparing to go off to the merry little Spring Program I was dressing and my Mom walks in and says, "You're not wearing that are you?"

sigh...

Why does she always do this before some sort of major event in my life? It totally drops my self esteem and self respect through the floor, past the basement and down to the middle earth region that burns in hot steamy molten lava kind of way.

She seems hell bent on making sure that I dress either as a frumpy fat woman or like a senior citizen. I don't have the energy to deal with this aspect of my mother right now. She has continued to do this my entire life so it's not like this is an isolated incident. The she drops the biggest of all,

"I think that your brother did this to you and your sister!"

My response was of course something along the lines of, "Well that may be true but I will be on stage in front of 600+ people in less than a half hour and this is not the time to "work through" my issues with Bubba (I renamed him that in an earlier post)!"

I just walked away at this point and let her leave with Beau as I had nothing else nice to say.

Then today came...

First she paraded Beau through my BEDROOM from the back door even though Coffee and I both said please don't because I was in boxer shorts and I DIDN'T HAVE A BRA ON!! That's ok she says. But it's not ok with me! Now this may not seem like a big deal to you but it is a HUGE deal to me. I am large chested and let's face it without a bra they can be down around my belly button. So I grabbed a blanket very quickly and hid as he walked though my room.

Then I scooter over to a friend's house this afternoon and receive some interesting info on Big Red from an unlikely source. Seems that one of the guys Big Red plays on the pool league with lives directly next door to my friend. I have sat in the yard and spoken to him and his wife/girlfriend/concubine on several occasions without knowing this link.

So the girl portion of this duo helped me figure out this connection when Big Red drove by the house and we put it together. She asked me how I know him. I said we were in the process of a divorce and she said I thought you were already divorced. No not yet and she said, "Is that because of his girlfriends?"

Stunned silence...............

More information:

• She doesn't want to get her husband in trouble with Big Red. I understand that.
• She doesn't remember any of their names but she might know them if she heard them.
• I bust out a couple names including 20+ years friend and the tramp...ahem I mean girl he had committed adultery with...
• "Oh yeah she (the tramp) is on the pool league with his sister 'Wilma'. "
• So he sees her at least once a week.....me processing the information...but their not dating?
• Well "male part of duo" said that he played pool with Wilma so Big Red could play pool with his girlfriend.
• "I don't know how serious it is or if they are still dating...I mean they don't live together or anything."
• My reply...." He had better not move her in because I still help pay for that house!"

I know he still dates. I know he is not being faithful even though we are still married in God's eyes and legally married as well.

I just get irritated that he puts on this front at church and tells others that I'm not "following God's will". I am irritated when it is brought to my attention that I married someone who lies so easily and so well. I'm mad that I was taken by his charm. I'm mad that I can't just turn off the feelings I have for him.

I know none of this really matters because soon it will be "water under the bridge" but it still hurts.