Tuesday, May 30, 2006

More redneck fun!

Since we have well established that I am a part of a family with eccentricities...Ok "I am a kin to many in a brood o' rednecks" I thought I would pull out the "virtual family photo album". They are not my pictures but I can very well see any one of a number of my family numbers participating in these activities.

For example the picture above is a version of a redneck bass boat. Note the comfort of a chair along with the trolling motor in front so he doesn't need to get up to switch spots on the lake or "crick". Billy Bob seems to be explaining to the camera how he lost his beer cooler the last time he was out fishing because he didn't have it tied on properly.

And oh yes Christmas at the redneck house! How would it ever be complete without the Gingerbread trailer park. Note the car on blocks in the yard along with the monster truck in the driveway. And we can't forget the multicolored posts holding the deck together. The only thing missing is the bumper sticker on the back that says, "If this trailer's rockin' don't a come a knockin' "

Well you know how I have been talking about riding the scooter around town. I have finally found the exact picture I want to represent the scooter. Of course I can only ride it for 10 minutes at a time to avoid the engine overheating and catching my wooden frame on fire. At some point I hope to get two tires almost the same size so I stop sliding off the back.

Monday, May 29, 2006

TLC life lessons

I have been seeing these commercials over the last few weeks and decided to check out the website. You HAVE to go over to the TLC store and check them out

I sat and laughed my butt off at some of the commercials that I hadn't seen yet.

The sad thing is that I could see myself becoming this lady without much effort at all.

So if anyone is feeling generous the one I would like to have is the one (copyrighted by TLC and viewable at the Discovery store) pictured here.

***Do you think I threw in enough copyright and credit information so as to not violate any laws? I really wanted you to see it so that you might actually go check out the site itself.***

Saturday, May 27, 2006

A little known fact....

A little known fact is that I come from a very diverse family to say the least. On one hand I have the relatives that are very wealthy and prominent in their local cities and states.

On the other hand I have the rednecks...

I had the opportunity to attend a relative's wedding today...A redneck wedding.

My sister and I had the "pleasure" of taking pictures of the blessed event. I was unaware that I would have a camera in hand until mere hours before the event. A few highlights of the day:

*The 38 year old grandmother of 2 walked the small children of the bride and groom down the aisle herself.

*The bride was given away by her brother who was dressed in a PURPLE PIMP OUTFIT! I will post a picture but you will not believe the outfit anyway. This is an EXACT replica of the outfit he wore!

*The wedding started a little late because the groom had to go back home to get the marriage license AND the rings which had been forgotten. Well that and most of the wedding party was outside smoking when it was time to start.

*My sister had to provide the music via her ipod hooked to a computer because they also forgot the music for the reception. After much searching a suitable song was found to have the "first dance purely photo opportunity" picture.

*I believe every member of the wedding party had some sort of tattoo showing thru the white dress shirts and purple dresses. This included an array of crosses, butterflies, flowers, tribal artwork, EVIL CLOWNS and naked women. I have nothing against tattoos per se BUT when an effort is made to showcase all the tattoos at the wedding....

*90% of my family did not even come to the event.

*The wedding party including the bride and groom walked back out of the ceremony to the keyboardist playing In-a-gadda-da-vida by Iron Maiden.

The beverages for the reception were cases of Pop kept in a fridge in the basement of the church (where the reception was). This is not really a redneck event until I tell you that when people got pop out of the fridge they put money in a container in the fridge.

She is not currently pregnant (I think) as the youngest is only a matter of weeks old but the groom and groomsmen did wear jeans with the white shirts as noted in the picture at the side. Although they weren't overalls.I am sure I have missed a few important details but you get the idea...

But they are my family and I will love them and try my best to show my support.

Edited note on the cake!

They did have a wedding cake... not the one pictured...

*the topper was a bride holding on to the back of the grooms tux as he tried to run away...

*they did have a small baby figurine on the cake along with a powerpuff child to represent their own children...

*when it was served they included the decorations that were the FOIL FLOWERS and someone at my table tried to eat it!

Further update on the wedding...

*My wonderful sister Coffee reminded me of the wedding vows...she blogged on the loveliness of the vows and the genuine love expressed while I will note the funniness of the self prepared vows...


"I take you my hairy redheaded woman to..."


"I take you my big burly rednecked man to..."

It takes guts to write vows like that and then to speak them in front of God, family and friends...wow.

I only heard this part because their daughter had joined them on the altar and fallen back down the steps at this point... face first. I being near the front scooped her up and walked back away from the non- microphoned event so others could hear.

Friday, May 26, 2006

I am woman hear me roar!

I am feeling very empowered again today! I hope this is a sign of things to come. Maybe I have just reached the point that I really don't care if I hurt his feelings.

I have tried to remain civil and be an adult about this whole thing. I will still be a "grown up" and be polite to the best of my abilities but I'm taking back myself for lack of a better word.

I have been slowly coming back to the self sufficient, strong willed, happy woman I was long ago. I think it is back! I may have weepy moments but they will only be short lived as I am living for God and He says,

Psalm 30:5 (The Message)

4-5 All you saints! Sing your hearts out to God!
Thank him to his face!
He gets angry once in a while, but across
a lifetime there is only love.
The nights of crying your eyes out
give way to days of laughter.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Just a quick note today

Well it was either going to be inspirational Bible based scripture or some sort of "I am Woman hear me roar!" kind of quote...maybe tomorrow....

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

So you think so....

You are Betty Grable

The ultimate girl next door
You're the perfect girl for most guys
Pretty yet approachable. Beautiful yet real.
What Famous Pinup Are You?

Somehow I think there must be a need for the test to be redefined in some way...maybe add a few more questions...something to get better, more accurate results. By the way I snagged this from Coffee.

Buttprints in the sand...

Butt Prints In The Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared...

And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?
Those prints are large and round and neat,
But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith you would not know...
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life there comes a time
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

Ok before you send the hate comments please know that I still believe in Hebrews 13:5.

Hebrews 13:5

5Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

BUT there is something to be said about the challenges that God puts before us. He challenges us to step out in faith and be obedient to Him in all that we do.

Any Thoughts?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

He can't say he wasn't warned...

Big Red is in utter disbelief as the utilities are slowly being shut off. He was given ample time to get them in his name, his Mom's name, the dog's name or anyone's name but mine! I gave him the deadline and worked with him for a few days while we found out from various companies exactly what they required for the transfer and waited for checks to clear so we would have a zero balance.

Let's get realistic here... I haven't lived there since last July and I wasn't going to leave them in my name forever!! I have been more than patient with this whole process.

So tough cookies Big Red! Live with your choices and the consequences that resulted from them. Grow up and be a Man...Take responsibility for your actions or inactions whatever the case may be!


I have been inspired by Laura to post on Rednecks. Now before anyone gets offended you need to know that I come from a long line of rednecks on one side of my family and even married into a partial family of redneck wannabe's...

With that said enjoy...

The Redneck Church
1. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)
6. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".
9. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
10. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
11. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
12. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
13. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
14. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
15. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
16. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
17. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
18. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"

Monday, May 22, 2006

A really BAD movie idea!.

Do you know how when you are watching a movie and they start talking about a fictitious TV show and it is something really stupid like "One armed Pastor who converts would be jail escapees!" OK you can fill in your own stupid made up TV title if you want...

I do have a point....

I have been seeing this commercial for a new movie on the ABC Family channel for this show. Go ahead I'll wait while you go look...

How on earth did some of these well known actors end up associated with this movie? Have they really sunk to an all new low in their careers? I mean come on...if you look closely you can see the dog doing the the classic Matrix move! You can see the REAL move at about the 2:15 minute mark here.

Ok I'll give you that I'm not a film writer, producer or actress but even I can see what a bad idea this is and how dismal the ratings surely will be.

Would you watch this movie?

Sunday, May 21, 2006

A place to call his own...

So before I moved into my Mom's house my Nephew had his "very own bathroom". His bathtub was filled with Spiderman clings, Monsters Inc. bubblebath and Toy Story shampoos.

A definite Boy Bathroom.

He had even been allowed to take a permanent marked and scrawl out his name and (last year's school) number on each of the 3 plastic drawers in the little rubbermaid type cabinet under the sink in "his bathroom".

Being a small child who did not want to lose his drawers from lack of use he filled one with his toothbrush and toothpaste. One had little Dixie cups pulled apart and placed carefully in the drawer so that the 18 cups could fill the entire bottom of the drawer. The last one had various army men and other boy type things to amuse himself with in the bathtub.

When I moved in and it was determined that I would be staying for quite a while it was decided that a conversation needed to take place with the chap so that he could understand (somewhat) why Aunt One4jc was living at Grandma's house. It couldn't be hidden because after all it is right across the street.

We discussed among other things (at some point) if I could use one of his drawers to place some of my things inside. You see Grandma has used all the other drawers to store her Clown Make-up etc. I need a drawer for some of my things.

OK he agreed that I could borrow one "for a while".

Fast forward to today. He has been dropped off so Mom and Dad can go in their opposite directions and the little lad can be supervised. We talk for a while and he goes to watch TV while I pick out my clothes and get ready to take a shower.

Apparently "a while" has passed in his mind.

So I am getting ready to hop in the shower not so eagerly this morning. I have cramps and the arrival of Aunt Flo has happened. I go to my drawer only to discover that I have no tampons in it!!!

I find my drawer emptied of it's contents and filled with you guessed it...little plastic dinosaurs!

How very BOY of him! Little Dinosaurs!

But now the problem is that I am in need of "Feminine Hygiene Products" and I can't find them!

I start going through all the drawers while visions of him unwrapping them to make torpedos go through my head! Or picturing him trying to decide exactly where to hang them by those funny little strings.

With the way his mind runs 100 miles an hour I pictured....Maybe I could fix them with my superpowers and make them stick like new earrings on Grandma's picture in the hallway...Maybe I could tie one to the cat's tail so she would have something to play with while we are gone at Church...

I am pleased to discover that he has decided to place them in with Grandma's clown make-up. Thankfully they are still sealed.

But I guess I no longer have a drawer in "his" bathroom anymore...

Oh and by the way if you happen to be at my house and notice a tampon hanging somewhere it shouldn't be...please let me know!

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Too much of a good thing...

Today I put right around 30 miles on my scooter. It is the first decent rain-free day we have had in over a week. Good thing it is fuel friendly! But now I have a blister on my hand from too much riding!

I went to several garage sales today in search of inexpensive toys for my classroom. I picked up several ( I think 4) games, a collapsible tent, a stringing game, a Blue's Clues electronic game, a shape sorting game, a beauty shop head, a see and say and other goodies for the little lovelies. In addition to the work find I managed to get 2 DVD's, 2 X-Box games (for the nephew), a couple CD's, a Christian book about God's Love, and a book on CD about prayer. I had to stop and empty the backpack several times between sales. All this for only about $30.00. Oh and the 75 cents I probably spent on gas...

Tomorrow I will be taking the nephew with me to Church and then it is off to meet up with Mom, Beau and the rest of the family for our Mother's Day celebration. Maybe I will sneak in some more scooter riding...

Another one of those stupid things on the internet that I have done several times and still can't figure it out. There is no cursor and you need to click on the guy at the bottom to advance the pages...I figure it must be a mathematical probability thing.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Funny newspaper ads...

California grown - 89 cents lb.

Must sell washer and dryer $ 300.

Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.

(maybe I should do this)

8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall
fences in a single bound.

Also 1 gay bull for sale.

$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Not much going on...

I have been busy shutting off utilities, transferring monies here and there and generally making Big Red mad.

I don't have much to say so I thought I would post a fun picture instead!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

A four day weekend

I had a 4 day weekend. It has rained since my weekend began. I have to be at work at 6:00am tomorrow morning. The sun FINALLY came out for the first time all weekend at 7:15pm tonight. Not one stinkin' scooter ride the whole weekend!

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Rainy Days

So I had the day off. I gathered paperwork for the lawyer. Documented outstanding bills and further updated my resume. Overall a productive day but oh how I wish I could have been out on the scooter. It has been raining here for weeks...OK so maybe it has only been days but it seems like weeks!

I finally talked to Mom today. For over a half an hour...she had me block out a few dates on the calendar and even gave me a rough estimate on the wedding date...I reminded her of my upcoming mission trip in the fall... She did share that she will be stopping in to pick up her computer tomorrow so I will need to make myself scarce...that's OK because I have a bunch of utilities to shut off tomorrow.

A positive note: I survived another Mother's Day with only minimal whining and complaining!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Sigh...It's Mother's day

This is one of those days that is really hard for me. My children are all in Heaven...waiting for me.

This has been a hard day for several years now but this year it is more difficult. I did get to hold a baby for most of the service which is a huge accomplishment for me. You see my dream of children has been put on hold for the time being. You know the divorce thing...

Our church hands out books to Parents on special days oh say like.... Mother's Day. Some people consider me a Mother even though I have no children here...Some don't...and some just don't know because they don't know me. I go to a rather large church to say the least.

I tried to stall until most of the 14 ushers had left and thought I had. Several people approached me to give me the book today. I had to turn, politely refuse and walk away. I tried several exits and finally burst into tears in the middle of the sanctuary where I was greeted by two close friends. They had been watching and where trying to get to me but couldn't get passed the crowd.

I fell apart and they comforted me and prayed with me. Exactly what I needed.

In other news my Mom must be mad at me...I've called to wish her a Happy Mother's Day and have not gotten a response at all.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

I want you to meet my Mom...

I found this posting called "What Old People Do" and I am convinced that my Mom would do this if she hasn't already!

I'm struggling with Mother's Day being tomorrow, my Mom now living with Beau and missing my Dad. This laugh is exactly what I needed.

Have I mentioned that I'm addicted to this online fish tank game. I personally have issues with the pause button and remembering/actually pushing it before I leave the game for the day...but hey it's free and I can start my tank over free of charge. I figure when I can keep these fish alive for awhile maybe I'll look at getting a small tank of my own.

Shhhhh! Don't tell anyone but I have Monday and Tuesday off. It's primarily to get everything shut off at the other house, collect paperwork for the lawyer and trying to sneak in a little relaxation...

Friday, May 12, 2006

I need to remember....

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ” (Proverbs 31:10, 27-28)

This is the verse at the side of my blog today.

I tell ya....I felt "beat-up" by this verse when I first read it today. Then I remembered how God had released me from this marriage. I guess this is the where I become thankful that I waited all that time. Those moments when people said I was crazy for not filing sooner. When people called me crazy for trying counseling, for seeking the Lord on this matter.

I know that I'm ok with God on my actions. I know that He released me from the responsibilty of Big Red and his actions.

I'm OK though because well... I'm just OK.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

One year ago...

Isn't it amazing how much you can learn in one year? I also find it amazing how much my world changed in a matter of a few moments in time. Patty a blogfriend of mine suggested that it might help to actually write down the events of the day I found out...the day that changed my life forever...What better day than the one year anniversary?

Let me preface this by saying I knew something was wrong with Big Red. I knew something was bothering him. He hadn't slept in a long time...he had been asking me in the middle of the night to pray for him...he had met with a pastor the day before to discuss "some issues" he was having.

The ironic part of this is that I had gone to pick up my wedding ring from the jewelry store on this day. One of the bands had cracked and after weeks of not wearing it, we had saved enough money to get it fixed...I picked it up...A repaired shiny ring finally. I had called the pastor this afternoon because all of a sudden he was carrying his "duffel bag" with him everywhere he went. I knew this meant he was feeling insecure about something because the duffel bag contained his .45 security blanket and several clips to go with it.

I went home and we had a quick dinner before running off to teach the Clown Class that we were in charge of mentoring. He was acting very immature...Strange I thought but it is a clown class. He even put on make-up that night (perhaps trying to hide behind it). We went to our separate classes after that and drove home around 9:00pm. This is when my day freezes into snapshots of the memories.
  • I was changing into my Pajamas as we were talking in the bedroom.
  • I asked what was wrong because I felt like the "other shoe was going to drop" and he was going to yell because I "had done something wrong".
  • He said he would not be the one that was mad.
  • So I think of the worst thing that he would never do and blurt out, "Oh come on Big Red it's not like you had an affair or anything like that."
  • The bomb dropped...
  • I was standing there completely naked (remember I was changing) when the silence became deafening....
  • I look up and see tears rolling down his face as he slowly starts to nod his head yes...
  • I said a few very unchristian like things at this point...I am not a person who swears but they flowed out of my mouth like a seasoned sailor at this moment.
  • I start firing questions at him. Who? When? How many times? Do you love her? What are your intentions? Does your brother know? (His divorce from the woman had been final a total of maybe two weeks) Is she the only one?
  • He was told by the pastor that he HAD to answer all of my questions honestly if he had any hope of fixing the mess he created. He also was told to tell me that my friend "Jane" (the pastor's wife/L.M.H.C. counselor as well) would be available to talk to me as a friend (she didn't know yet)
  • I told him to leave...he wouldn't... he wanted to talk...I got in my car and drove.
  • I pulled over in a grocery store parking lot to fall apart and try to get ahold of Jane.
  • I couldn't reach her but I did manage to talk to her husband (the Pastor) That is a blur of me yelling, crying, yelling and asking for direction on what I could/should do...My mind was flooded, who am I kidding it had left me completely at this point. I could not think beyond sitting in my car for the rest of my life. I called in to work for the next day and started driving again.
  • I went home and demanded that he leave the house at least for a few days to give me a chance to breathe and think...he never left that night.
  • I fell asleep out of exhaustion around 3:00am and woke from nightmares by 4:45am.
Jane called early the next morning and talked me through the first couple of days and helped me function in somewhat human like manner for a day or two until I got my bearings a little.

My friends helped me prepare for the retreat I need to attend in two days. We had gone through a very intense Bible study class that ended in a retreat in southern Indiana. I refused to let him attend. I needed time to be with myself and to be with God. I needed to collect myself. When I returned that Sunday I asked him to leave. I told him if he didn't respect my wishes to have some space it would be over immediatly. If he wanted to work it out he needed to go until we had a few counseling appointments under our belt to say the least.

He left the house.

I think he had already left the marriage but neither of us was sure of it at this point or wanted to admit it.

Wow that does feel better. Patty was right.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Couldn't resist

This is how I am starting to feel about the scooter. I filled up for the second time this summer...yes that is right 144 miles to the tank... yes only cost me $2.66 to fill up less than a gallon. Speaking of the scooter I think it is time for a ride!

Monday, May 08, 2006

I will survive!

I seem to be cycling through my moods again this week...Which according to DivoreCare is natural LOL

I can't help but post this. I don't approve of all of it but it is funny nonetheless...

I am back to feeling strong and self confident again!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Things on my mind today

* Why is Big Red continuing to come to church?

* Mom "officially" moved back to the lake this weekend.

* Why would my Mom and Beau decide to live together before they get married? If they are that committed and planning a small wedding for the end of the year why not just get married now?

* I don't like being sunburned. I mean I hid under a tree yesterday and still managed to burn my face and ears. It's not like I will tan out...I will be red and then go right back to that pale white color I always am.

* I am ready for Big Red to be out of my life but he still has a pull on my emotions. Somehow when I filed for divorce I forgot to add the part to the petition that said I would cease to love him immediately. I get so angry with him. I can pray "Get him God!" and then 10 minutes later pray that God will move powerfully in his life to bring him back to Christ...not to me...to Christ.

* I have discovered this online fish tank game. I have trouble with the pause button so my fish rarely live more than a day. I can pause it and come back in two hours to dead starved fish that are 180 days old somehow.

*Why do they put shows on TV that describe ALL the forensics behind catching a criminal? Aren't we just making the criminals smarter?

* I am ready for a new start I just need to get the old life behind me and begin the healing process again.

* I think I am ready to start posting more about the initial stages of this process to begin the "closure" part. Maybe that can be next....

Friday, May 05, 2006

Busy, Busy, Busy

I have been fervently working to get as many things as possible ready for the big Garage Sale tomorrow. No time for a complete post but check out the latest funny Public Restroom post here.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

If I had my way...

I’m just mad. I stopped to see if he had the information yet for me that he said he would have 2 weeks ago. Of course he doesn't have them. And he lied to me about having a call in to get them...I had gone and ordered and picked them up within 10 minutes.

He had several friends over at the house playing pool...you know the house he was "too embarrassed" to let anyone else in before.

There was a very distinct smell in the house that angered me.

He ran up stairs as I entered the house...I would love to know what he was hiding.

Not to mention that he "puffed up his chest" and became "full of himself" in front of his friends.

He asked when he could change the locks.. I said when my name is no longer on the house deed.

I will be civil and I will be mature BUT I will NOT be taken advantage of any longer or participate in his games.

But I will stop short of having him drawn and quartered...for now.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Fear of Public Restrooms?

So in honor of Crouching Mommy, Hidden Laundry and her Fear of Public Restrooms I am posting an item I received in the email:

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me
to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover
the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually
letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my leg. And we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience with public toilets since then, but I'm
still not particularly fond of public toilets, especially those with powerful, red-eye sensors.
Those toilets know when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance. The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length feature film. During the movie pee, it is nearly impossible to hold The Stance. You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke, then sit still through a three-hour saga because, for Pete's sake, even if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in
the bathroom, you'd still miss the pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the leading man's naked derriere. So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until that first credit rolls and you sprint to the bathroom, about ready to explode all over your internal organs.

And at the bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely.

And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. You
hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall doors, like blowing her nose or checking the contents of her wallet. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance. Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny napkin you wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your pocketbook whams you in the head.

"Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get." And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged
to China.

At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're
exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chiclet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out
inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River. You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here You might need this."

At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it
finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.

And you always had to wear clean underwear in case of an accident-do you think kids are taught this stuff today?

Oh the drama...

So according to Big Red the thousands of dollars he has racked up on the credit card are from gas prices being so high and him working so far away.

Of course he also is NOT seeing the "tramp" he had the affair with.

Of course he also is NOT sleeping with and sometimes living with 20+ years friend.

He's mad that I'm cutting off the utilities on May 15th unless they are in his name alone.

Of course he was mad that I laughed at his responses because I honestly I don't really care anymore. I am making a CHOICE to not be responsible for his choices and actions. He is choosing to walk away from God and profess to be a Christian...I think there will be consequences for his actions...and not from me.

A pastor said this to me yesterday, "You and Big Red came into this marriage unsaved and then at a point became saved. While walking out that choice he saw exactly what was expected of him and more importantly what God expects of him. He can't handle it and is rejecting you, that choice and more importantly God. You are not responsible for his choices now."

The lies just flow from his lips...It's like he has diarrhea of the mouth. I don't think he knows when he is lying and when he is telling the truth (if that happens) anymore.

I can't wait until this whole process is over so I can move on with my life and begin the "real" healing process.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Ok so I got bored with it again...

I got bored with my background again....well actually I tried to remove some things and it got all messed up so I just seized the opportunity to change it! I'm not quite done but I too tired to finish it tonight.

Monday, May 01, 2006

I smiled today

I was browsing through a card section at a local discount store when out of the corner of my eye I saw "Husband~Sympathy".

My First Thought?

Wow there are enough other people going through this that they have cards for it now!

Ok so I know that those are for the death of spouse but my first thought went along the lines of adultery because every time someone finds out I hear the same thing, "Oh I am so sorry!"

Anyway that gave me a smile...