One year ago...

Isn't it amazing how much you can learn in one year? I also find it amazing how much my world changed in a matter of a few moments in time. Patty a blogfriend of mine suggested that it might help to actually write down the events of the day I found out...the day that changed my life forever...What better day than the one year anniversary?

Let me preface this by saying I knew something was wrong with Big Red. I knew something was bothering him. He hadn't slept in a long time...he had been asking me in the middle of the night to pray for him...he had met with a pastor the day before to discuss "some issues" he was having.

The ironic part of this is that I had gone to pick up my wedding ring from the jewelry store on this day. One of the bands had cracked and after weeks of not wearing it, we had saved enough money to get it fixed...I picked it up...A repaired shiny ring finally. I had called the pastor this afternoon because all of a sudden he was carrying his "duffel bag" with him everywhere he went. I knew this meant he was feeling insecure about something because the duffel bag contained his .45 security blanket and several clips to go with it.

I went home and we had a quick dinner before running off to teach the Clown Class that we were in charge of mentoring. He was acting very immature...Strange I thought but it is a clown class. He even put on make-up that night (perhaps trying to hide behind it). We went to our separate classes after that and drove home around 9:00pm. This is when my day freezes into snapshots of the memories.

• I was changing into my Pajamas as we were talking in the bedroom.
• I asked what was wrong because I felt like the "other shoe was going to drop" and he was going to yell because I "had done something wrong".
• He said he would not be the one that was mad.
• So I think of the worst thing that he would never do and blurt out, "Oh come on Big Red it's not like you had an affair or anything like that."
• The bomb dropped...
  
• I was standing there completely naked (remember I was changing) when the silence became deafening....
• I look up and see tears rolling down his face as he slowly starts to nod his head yes...
• I said a few very unchristian like things at this point...I am not a person who swears but they flowed out of my mouth like a seasoned sailor at this moment.
• I start firing questions at him. Who? When? How many times? Do you love her? What are your intentions? Does your brother know? (His divorce from the woman had been final a total of maybe two weeks) Is she the only one?
  
• He was told by the pastor that he HAD to answer all of my questions honestly if he had any hope of fixing the mess he created. He also was told to tell me that my friend "Jane" (the pastor's wife/L.M.H.C. counselor as well) would be available to talk to me as a friend (she didn't know yet)
• I told him to leave...he wouldn't... he wanted to talk...I got in my car and drove.
• I pulled over in a grocery store parking lot to fall apart and try to get ahold of Jane.
  
• I couldn't reach her but I did manage to talk to her husband (the Pastor) That is a blur of me yelling, crying, yelling and asking for direction on what I could/should do...My mind was flooded, who am I kidding it had left me completely at this point. I could not think beyond sitting in my car for the rest of my life. I called in to work for the next day and started driving again.
  
• I went home and demanded that he leave the house at least for a few days to give me a chance to breathe and think...he never left that night.
• I fell asleep out of exhaustion around 3:00am and woke from nightmares by 4:45am.

Jane called early the next morning and talked me through the first couple of days and helped me function in somewhat human like manner for a day or two until I got my bearings a little.

My friends helped me prepare for the retreat I need to attend in two days. We had gone through a very intense Bible study class that ended in a retreat in southern Indiana. I refused to let him attend. I needed time to be with myself and to be with God. I needed to collect myself. When I returned that Sunday I asked him to leave. I told him if he didn't respect my wishes to have some space it would be over immediatly. If he wanted to work it out he needed to go until we had a few counseling appointments under our belt to say the least.

He left the house.

I think he had already left the marriage but neither of us was sure of it at this point or wanted to admit it.


Wow that does feel better. Patty was right.