Back again...

So I have been writing a lot lately and I think I will be restarting this blog so that I can have a creative outlet.

Of course I am still choosing to be anonymous in my writings so this could get interesting.

I will soon, hopefully, be sharing stories of the wonderful group of women I have found myself in the midst of, sharing again my faith and telling you funny stories of singlehood...because yes I am still single...shocking I know :o)

The whirlwind of my weekend

I missed the wedding yesterday because I was working but made it to the reception.

Granted it was not a family wedding so you will not hear stories of the rednecks or cowboys.

This reception had a few cultural events I was unfamiliar with...some sort of train dance where you attempt to knock the bride and groom off the chairs they are standing on...

I realized that sometimes a wedding isn't a happy occasion for all involved. I saw sad faces mixed in with the happiness.

But most importantly I saw a family coming together to support each other. I saw a friend who supported the Mother of one of the youngsters getting married and helped her hold her emotions together for the event.

I learned what support looks like from the outside. I have learned in my life to be supportive but I don't recall in my family ever seeing anyone else supporting each other. I have seen defending, belittling, codependency, alcoholism and many other things but not support in a healthy way.

I am currently in a season where I am learning about healthy relationships. I am learning about friendships and other ways to be emotionally healthy. I have started down this path before and even thought I had it under control at points but this time I am involving God in the process at a much deeper level.

What I will take away from this wedding is the realization that my friends ROCK! With all of my faults and flaws they love me for me.... just like God does.

So today I have started making an effort to tell those around me how much I love them and how important they are to me. I want them to know that I too love them with all their faults and flaws...I love them for their imperfect humanness!

Laughter

Today I am thankful for laughter. I have not had the opportunity to laugh much today in particular...but I think one of the best feelings in the world is a big hearty belly laugh with friends.

So I am making a goal to find something to laugh about everyday!

For some reason I am really torn on this issue....

Corcoran plea deal on trial in Chicago

By Rebecca S. Green

CHICAGO – Nothing was typical about the case of convicted quadruple-murderer Joseph E. Corcoran, but whether a plea offer made by the then-Allen County prosecutor was appropriate is now a matter to be decided by a federal appellate court.

Monday afternoon, Indiana Deputy Attorney General James Martin argued that Allen County Prosecutor Robert Gevers’ offer to withdraw the death penalty during plea negotiations was within his prosecutorial discretion.

Even if that offer came with the caveat that Corcoran give up his right to a jury trial and allow a judge to decide his fate.

A three-judge panel of the 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Chicago took up the case after Indiana Attorney General Steve Carter appealed a ruling by a federal judge overturning the death penalty, saying Gevers’ offer violated Corcoran’s constitutional rights.

The federal judge’s ruling was the latest step in years of wrangling over Corcoran’s death sentence after he was convicted of murdering his brother, his sister’s fiancé and two of his brother’s friends in July 1997.

Both sides had 30 minutes to present their arguments Monday, and as they spoke, the three judges – William J. Bauer, Ann Claire Williams and Diane Sykes – questioned the lawyers on their interpretations of the law and their arguments.

Gevers’ offer to withdraw the death penalty in exchange for a bench trial instead of a jury trial was no different than any other negotiation common when both sides try to hammer out plea agreements, Martin argued.

“So what was the actual harm to Corcoran by this offer,” Judge Williams asked Martin.

“There was none, your honor,” Martin replied, adding that had a judge decided his case, Corcoran could have been acquitted and escaped the death penalty in that way as well.

But Williams pushed Martin a bit on the issue, asking whether there is a limit to what constitutional rights prosecutors can get defendants to bargain away, even the right to a lawyer or the right against self-incrimination.

Missouri-based attorney Larry Komp, arguing for Corcoran as his court-appointed counsel, said Corcoran should not be penalized for exercising his right to a jury trial.

But Judge Bauer seemed to disagree.

“To say you can’t piecemeal (plea agreements) is to fly in the face of what’s been going on in every (negotiation) in the history of plea bargains,” Bauer said. “What case says you can’t do that?”

Williams again asked how Corcoran was harmed by Gevers’ offer and asked whether following Komp’s argument could lead all prosecutors to forgo seeking plea agreements.

Also at issue before the appellate court is whether Corcoran was competent to waive his rights to have a judge re-evaluate his sentence – a process known as post-conviction relief.

The federal judge upheld an earlier ruling by the Indiana Supreme Court that found Corcoran made a rational choice when he decided not to seek such a review.

Komp said three medical experts found Corcoran suffered from delusions, possibly paranoid schizophrenia.

When Corcoran waived his right to have a judge re-evaluate his sentence, saying he believed execution was an appropriate punishment for the murders of four people, Corcoran was trying to end his own agony.

But Martin argued that the doctors who evaluated Corcoran believed he understood what the process involved and what the consequence would be if he decided not to pursue it.

There is no time frame for the federal judges to issue a ruling, which could come in as little as a few days or take as long as a year.

End of article

First off let me tell you this....he IS crazy! He has since come out and admitted to killing his own parents in 1992, a crime of which he was acquitted. Without outing myself too much here I can tell you that I went to High School with him in a small northern town. He was one of those kids that you either hung with him or you avoided him at all costs...he wasn't violent, just strange. There was something about him that made you stay away from him because he was "different" or dark if you will.

Now don't get me wrong we had our own little small town version of hierarchy of Goth/Punk/Stoner/Preppy/Jock/Geeks etc. But Joe was different and everyone knew it.

I think he was a young teen when he "accidentally" shot a friend in the leg (grazing it) while they were hunting. No charges on this one because the friend said it was an accident as well.

I don't know about all the legal wrangling that has gone on in the last 10 years since this conviction or even what has happened in his life since the acquittal of murdering both his parents and then going to school like nothing happened. I waver back and forth on the death penalty in general because I don't believe it is applied fairly or evenly in this country. Yes some cases deserve it...but is it right to let the State take a life? I was upset about the no smoking thing because I didn't like the government having that much control. I no longer smoke and I did love being able to go out and not smell like an ashtray when I came home but it just seems...intrusive. I don't like that some people are told at their place of employment to say "Happy Holidays" and are forbidden from saying "Merry Christmas".

I have never intended this blog to political in any way...I just have some fundamental concepts in my life that I have been reevaluating for the last ...oh.... 5 years or so. Being unemployed for so long left me with time to think about some things.

However I am going to be starting the training for the new job this week...I am excited and well beyond ready to get this going!

2 posts in one weekend! Must be a record of some sorts for me lately.

What happens when she gets bored?

While that is not my hair that is a good representation of the amount I took off yesterday.

Yes it is true the hair has come off.

I was bored and ready for a change so it resulted in me losing 7-8 inches of hair. When I went into my stylist she reminded me that I had not been there since October 7th...LAST YEAR! Yes it is true I had been cutting my own bangs and just letting the hair go wild for the last year. Part was because I haven't had time recently and part is because I haven't had a style I liked enough to keep up with it.

I literally lost that much hair but also I look like I lost 20 lbs and 5 years off my age! It is ironic because I took in a picture of Lisa Rinna thinking that my face was too round for it but I like the messy look. My Stylist almost fell over and the stylist next to me said, "Rock on! Own the cut!"

I told her I would like it a little longer but gave her free reign but reminding her that I have an interview next week...Oh yes did I mention that yet?

Several years ago I noticed my hair had gotten a little natural wave to it. Odd as it has been stick straight my entire life. Well with this cut it has curled up and looks awesome!

Someone even commented that I had gotten highlights as well...no but the gray is positioned in such a way that they look like blond streaks. Once I get a J-O-B I will go ahead and splurge to get a few highlights as well.

Well I need to help finish the final prep work for the Birthday Party that is happening here tonight. Nope not me but the Squirrel! He had me awake by 5:15 AM singing "Happy Birthday to me" to the tune of "We Wish you a Merry Christmas"?? He was a little excited to say the least!

Almost a year ago....

I can't believe it has been almost a year since I got back from Jamaica!
It was one of the most difficult weeks in my life yet at the same time the most rewarding, meaningful, fulfilling and special weeks of my life as well.

I know off and on I have talked about how much I miss being there. I have come to the conclusion that I miss the closeness I felt to God and to my friends more than anything else. Yes I really enjoyed building the entertainment center , the experiences and the views at the waterfalls.


I also miss seeing the smiling little faces of the children at the home. I think because we went as a group of only women the children bonded to us more than other groups. It took a while to warm up to us but once they chose you it was over they had your heart.

One little boy kept coming over and touching my arm, looking at it and saying, "Whoa!" After several days of doing this I asked. Apparently the children had never seen someone as white as me before. Yes Caucasian people had been there MANY times but I am the palest of pale white colors. In the winter you can hold up a piece of paper to my legs and compare the color with a degree of certainty.

I miss being able to make time with God and 9 other women every morning to just set in His presence and pray. That week marked the changing point in my life. God watched out for me (and others in the group) in more ways than you can imagine. The first night there "someone" tried to break into our house in the middle of the night...I slept through it but not everyone did. That in itself is a miracle...I have to feel safe to sleep and the fact that I was not awakened helped me feel safe enough to sleep the rest of the week. I did have a small TIA down there that passed very quickly...of course on the morning I was speaking at the Bible college.

Tomorrow I am meeting one of the ladies from the trip for coffee. There are also several others from the trip that I would not hesitate to call. The friendships formed on this trip will last a lifetime.

Kind of ironic considering how I argued with God all the way through the process, right up to the point on the airport runway when I looked at the friend next to me and said, "Oh crap. I'm going to Jamaica!"

Amazing Freedom

I stumbled on this video today and all of my memories of the conference came flooding back to me... I need to remember in the midst of the storm that I am still free in Christ.

The Happy Dance

The Happy Dance...

Things are looking up right now...

I passed my test this morning! I am now certified to not only serve food in any restaurant in this fair land of ours but also be the manager of any restaurant I want...well provided they would hire me LOL!

Kind of ironic that I went to college so that I could have the possibility of a career in a field that did not involve flipping burgers and now this new law tells me I have to know the information anyway.

It is official... I have signed the lease on the new apartment today! The "BIG MOVE" is scheduled for next Saturday. The good news is because of the last move and how it happened most of my things are already packed and still in the garage at this point. If you feel the need to help me out drop me an email and we can set things up :o)

Once I get the replacement hired for the teacher that I "let go" things should be smoother again at work. It amazes me that things are either really smooth or extremely rocky at work there is no middle ground.

While things are looking up for me, a friend of mine has just discovered her husband's adultery. If you think of it say a little prayer for her.

APS- the best explanation I've heard yet

This is by far the best explanation I've heard yet. It is easier to understand than all the doctor lingo I usually hear.

It is just over 6 minutes but well worth the time to understand this disease.

The games are over....for now.

The car search is over for now...sigh. I waved Bye Bye as I could not get the deal I wanted. They did finally offer to pay off my car completely but...I got the actual payoff amount (from my bank) and the dealer had "inadvertently" added almost $300 in an overage.

Hmmmmmm...

They found out that my Credit Union would only finance the NADA value of the car and decided if I wanted the car I would have to go back up to 11.25% interest rate to be financed through them...well maybe they could get 10.25%....

Hmmmmmmmm.......


Then they started criticizing the credit union I work with. The CU that has walked me through other loans successfully... my student loans...my line of credit for surviving the divorce... helped guide me through "finances 101" after my Dad passed away.

And he had the nerve to tell me they weren't looking out for me like their dealership was?!!?

These people I have know less than 3 days were taking care of me better than the people who have known me by name and account numbers for the last 17 years? The people who pull my account up as I approach the window because they recognize me... The people who teared up at the window when they heard of a miscarriage... The people who helped me protect my accounts and assets before I filed for divorce so that Big Red couldn't take advantage of me....

I don't think the people at the dealership had my best interests in mind like my Credit Union does. I know some of you may think I am exaggerating but this truly is how my CU treats my family and I. Am I right sis?

The dealership was kind enough..cough cough...to give me back the deposit check and tell me I could change my mind at any time...or talk my credit union into "working with such a valued member" to get a higher loan amount...but the car is not worth $$ the loan amount...

I should have stuck with my gut instinct to stay away from this particular dealership.

Lesson learned.

I started some research again and discovered I can buy a 2006/2007 car for about the same payment because the loan time is longer.

Who knows.......All I know is I am done looking this week.

The perils of working in a daycare

So the dreaded sore throat is making it's rounds at the daycare... Guess who has been stricken with it...yes I said stricken. I have been sneezed on enough to catch it.

Several of the staff have also been nailed with it but only one ignored it long enough to let it go to bronchitis.

That is not me.

The Preschool program officially ends tomorrow and our "Summer of Fun" starts next week.

I know I don't feel good but I seriously need to have a "sit down" with one of the staff who is intentionally pushing every one of my buttons. She doesn't feel good either but that only makes her more mean than usual.

A friend of mine lost a close relative this week...well the whole extended family seems really close... this is really hard for her... so if you could say an extra prayer for her that would be great. And I know she would appreciate it.

My throat hurts so much that I don't even want to ride the scooter. I think I have a fever but given the whole APS thing a fever is not that unusual.

Well I need to go to bed as my cell phone just rang with a teacher calling in sick...ugh... so a long day is ahead.

Meme......Meme....singing? No it's a tag!

I have been tagged by Laura! Here are the rules:

1. Go to Wikipedia and put in your birthday, without the year, in the search bar.
2. List on your blog 3 events, 2 births, 1 death and 1 holiday that happens(ed) on your birthday. 3. Then tag 5 more friends to do it!

January 7

3 events

1. 1927 - First transatlantic telephone call - New York City to London.
2. 1999 - The impeachment trial of President Bill Clinton begins. Hmmmmm If you could have been a fly on the wall before he was elected the first time in my Mom and Dad's house you would get a huge kick out of this. At the time I was determined to do EVERYTHING different than my parents.
3. 1927 - The Harlem Globetrotters play their first game.

2 Births

1. 1977 - Dustin Diamond, American actor....How unfortunate
2. 1966 - Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy, American publicist (d. 1999)

1 Death

1. 1986 - Philip D. Eastman, American children's book writer and illustrator
I am saddened by this as some of my favorite books are written by him, Are You My Mother?, Big Dog... Little Dog, Go, Dog. Go!, The Best Nest and Red, Stop! Green, Go!

And finally 1 holiday:

1. Christmas Day in the Julian calendar.

Oh I hate the tagging part but here it goes....Patty, Nic, Maynard and whom ever would like to participate!

The Mother's Day blitz is on...

Next to my work there is a billboard just like this one that says something about life begins at conception. They are all over town. I have seen them that say things about the number of couples waiting to adopt babies, this child will find the cure for breast cancer etc etc etc.

I agree with the idea behind them. I have not always believed this way but the important thing is that I do now because of my belief in God. I have always wanted children, dreamed of the day when I could have them. Mother's Day is always hard for me.

Billboards like this one always tug at my heart strings because these are the only images I have of my children. I only have ultrasound pictures of a few of them. Most of them have been given names and certain dates are harder than others. Earlier this week I passed the 5 year mark of the last D and C which marked the death of the second twin. Yes I miscarried them separately...3 weeks apart. I didn't cry this year. Progress is a slow thing.

Mother's Day I am going to the 1st service at my church so that my sister and I can meet Mom and Beau for lunch. I am hoping a few of my friends are switching services as well for the day so I will have someone to sit with in case it doesn't go well.

I am optimistic...I am hoping it will go well. Billboards like this don't help me. But I know they may stop someone from having an abortion or making a mistake they will regret.

Time will tell.

The gang that almost took me out!

So on Sunday I was out riding "Tinkerbell" aka the scooter when I turn onto a road at a light and hear a plethora of little horns honking that are not that all dissimilar to mine. Not wanting to be even more of a geek I chose not to turn around and look but I had a feeling.

At the next light I suddenly hear a LOT OF LOUD motorcycle engines pull up behind me. Between the revving engines I hear that "cutsy girly" laughter that used to make my stomach turn in High school and some deep belly laughter.

I swallowed hard and took off when it turned green.
ZIP! ZIP! ZIP! ZIP!

Vroom! ZIP! ZIP! ZIP! ZIP!

No less than 8 sport motorcycles with tan college aged guys zip by with about 6 girls with the shortest shorts legal (at least I think they are legal).

Now picture this...I am a white almost transparent skinned lady on a scooter that tops out at 35 MPH with a helmet on...and the studly eight have just flown by me like I am standing still.

Here is the point....

Several years ago this would have made me cower inside and perhaps put away the scooter for a couple weeks...heck even last summer this might have happened.

Now it didn't really bug me. Of course I was bothered by the dust the bikes kicked up into my face as they were speeding past me but I chalked it up to them being immature youngsters with a case of spring fever.

Then it clicked. A light bulb went off. Big Red has one of these sport bikes. He says he has been borrowing it from a neighbor but.... the neighbor must never need it because Big Red is on it a lot. (I only know this because we only live a mile or so apart)

Big Red still has the immaturity that sometimes goes along with owning one of these motorcycles.

I have grown past this. Yes I am still a kid at heart but through the process of the divorce I have matured and grown past all this foolishness. I don't really care too much what people think.

I do have a few friends whose opinions mean a great deal to me. Some I have known only a year, 5 years and even one left over from before I was a Christian who I have known for over 11 years. Their opinions matter when it comes to issues of faith and friendship.

But a stranger or a gang of college aged motorcyclists have no effect on what they think of me. If they were to actually speak to me then I hope they would see that there is something different about me because of God. But to judge me, make fun of me or look down on me without speaking to me....ehhhhh what am I to do? Nothing. Doesn't phase me at all.

Not now anyway.

Easter day...no shock there!

So Easter was interesting to say the least. I was actually shocked that after the little Texas trip that we were even invited to the Easter festivities. The racist comments and our responses I thought would ensure a pass on the agony....uh I mean dinner plans.

I am grateful that one of the new step siblings was present with her family if not it surely would have been a very quiet day. You see Beau made a choice to not speak to my sister or I today. He asked me a question at one point but never made eye contact. He spoke with others in the house but not us. Mom spoke but only in commands or questions...no conversations.

I am thankful that for the first time in my life I was not asked to help clean the house before dinner could be served. My Mom never cleans until all of the family has arrived and then we are sent on little errands to help her "straighten up a little". It is not like we take pictures, expect more company or anything like that. There have been times that we have been used on Easter Day to get the patio furniture out of the garage and clean it. We don't use it that day and I don't feel like using a hose when I am dressed for Easter. So we have all gotten in the habit of changing after church so that we don't ruin our clothes. Thankfully this year it was too cold for any of those items to be done.

I am frustrated by the way this "joining of the two families" is going thus far. Mom seems to be throwing out everything that was important to her to satisfy Beau. Even at the expense of her daughters...

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about the whole Texas trip etc. She was shocked by some of the things Beau said to us. She asked me what I expected my Mom to do? I thought about it for a moment and said simply, "Defend me." I don't expect her to leave him or divorce him but simply defend me when he attacks or belittles the way that she and my Dad raised us.

That's all...

Support me and what she used to stand for....

Another chapter....

It seems that lately I have been closing a lot of chapters in my life and have started writing new chapters.

Today I closed a chapter in my life as it was the last day I worked at my job of the last 3 years. I have mixed emotions.

I am ready for a new challenge...a new pay scale and a new fresh start to go with the new name I have acquired. I did make some friends at this place. I have seen many faces come and go and no doubt I will miss the children greatly. I had one little boy (whose mom had told him about my upcoming move) stick so close to me today that I tripped over him several times. He is 2 so I wondered how much any of the children would understand but this little guy got it. I lost count of the number of hugs I got today from him...I was getting ready to leave today and 3 of the children bounded off their cots to run and give me hugs before I left...somehow they all knew today.

There was one little guy who has moved on to another class that I will particularly miss. I looked in his room on my way out of the building and he was still sleeping. That was probably for the best.

It was kind of fitting that one little girl hurt herself this morning. I picked her up for a hug to "make it better" and she promptly bled all over the back of my shirt because she had split her lip. So I had a moment to go home and change shirts...well and bra... because it soaked through. Working with two year olds one seems to always get some sort of bodily fluid on oneself by the end of the day. There have been days during flu season that I was thankful I was spritzed by a potty training boy instead of the projectile vomit flying around the room...I mean if you have to pick one.....

Regardless I will miss "my kids".

I had two different ladies approach me today and tell me things that made me want to tear up and yet realize that people are watching. They both said that they were impressed with how I have handled myself with the Big Red situation. When I began working there I had a solid marriage. Within the first year there I had another miscarriage and the cracks started showing in our marriage. These women I know as my friends hugged me when the affair happened. Encouraged me when I wanted to give up too early and were ready with a positive word when I needed it.

They both said that I handled myself with dignity and that my faith was amazing. I think my God is amazing not necessarily my faith. There were times that I wanted to head for the hills but God threw roadblocks in my way or would send someone to lift my spirits.

I also had some friends that avoided me today because saying goodbye would have been too hard. I saw the glances and the quick waves in the hallway. We all made promises to keep in touch but it will never be the same as spending most of our days together.

I will miss my friends as well.