I am not dead but if I was it would be nice to know that my car would be paid off.
So I have been very very busy with the things of life and did I mention I am buying a house? It is cute. Very Cute. Lots of character.... It has a tree house in the back for the squirrel and we will all have our own bedrooms! That hasn't been the case since September...needless to say we are all a little excited. Yes it needs a little work, painting the rooms, laying a kitchen floor, putting up handrails on the steps, but this is all stuff we can do with minimal amounts of help...unless you are volunteering :o)
I mentioned in the last post that Big Red has gotten married. I am not really upset about it but it isn't like I am going to invite them over for coffee. I do not want to see them together. I just want him to go away. Now that my name is FINALLY off everything we owned jointly I do not have any reason to ever see him again.
I am still alive contrary to the rumors of the death of my blog. I have just been very busy trying to keep up with the Squirrel, deal with Big Red finishing up the odds and ends of name/title changes of the divorce, suffering through Mother's Day, the not-so-new job and the trials of life in general.
Maybe I just need a new layout to get interested in this again...new colors...new information.
Oh wait I have stuff to blog about...just lack the time to do it...And the squirrel thinks my keyboard is too loud so he "shushes" me when I type...
Did I mention Big Red got married a couple of weeks ago? Yeah maybe there will be more on that later...
So after dropping the squirrel off at school today I had to stop and get gas. And what is up with $3.45/ gallon?! That just cements my idea of finally buying the motorcycle this summer. Well that and I don't have to park a 1/2 mile away from my desk...it will be just 50 feet or so. I filled the tank up and it cost almost $50.00!! This is where I make myself sound old by saying, "I remember when..." gas was only $0.59/gallon.
How did I get so off track?
Any way... I ran into Big Red at the gas station and he had enough nerve to tell me that he was taking his girlfriend's son to the orthodontist. The man who did not want to be bogged down with a kid...didn't want the responsibility of a child...is now playing "Mr. Dad".
He hasn't had time to follow through on the rest of his obligations from the divorce decree but he can take time to criticize me for missing church last night, ask me about new car deals available right now and a host of other things while I was waiting for the gas to finish pumping...
Anyway I am just mad...I'll get over it....must get ready for work.
So I am a little rusty at this whole concept of flirting. Only a couple parts of it really:
1. How do I know when someone is flirting with me?
2. How do I flirt back or start the flirtation?
OK so they are big parts but I really am clueless!
INSERT DISCLAIMER HERE: I am not judging anyone by any means. I am simply trying to figure out how I want to walk out this being single thing.
As I have stated before I was not a Christian when Big Red and I met and married. Flirting is different when you are not a believer. Flirting is REALLY different when you are married...
When you are married flirting keeps things interesting so to speak. But there is no line that can't be crossed when you are married...flirting leads to other things and that is great ...if you are married. At least in my world...
When I wasn't a Christian the same lines were not there to cross or not cross...(sorry sis if that is TMI) I was living for me and not God.
So now that you know basically where my boundaries are set...any suggestions on how to flirt?
How do I even let a guy know I am interested? I don't want to be the one asking him out. I want someone to pursue me for a change.
She looked at me and smiled as I was carrying a TV set back to the "fort" in her room to set up the GameCube for the squirrel. I asked what she was smiling about and she said she was thinking of something.
And then she said IT.
She said, "You know you turned into the cool Aunt."
I had to think about it. I always said I wanted to be the cool Aunt when she had kids (well and when that other guy we have to call a brother had children).
I have taken him after school to places to buy used games for the new system with his Birthday Money. Let him set it up in my room and actually played a game to show him how to launch the BeyBlades (don't ask). Today I took him to buy the memory card for the system so he can save games and we picked up another used game for only $4.99.
See Aunt One4JC knows where to get deals on used games because Uncle Big Red had almost every gaming system created at the time and at least 30 games for each one. Hrmph...issues beyond adultery...no...never!
I also helped him set up the "Fort"area with the pull out bed thingy, the TV and GameCube so he can hide out and play without disturbing anyone else and he can have his "own space". While I can't take credit for the concept of the "fort" (that would be his Mom's idea) somehow I am the one who made it real to him and now he feels safe enough to go in the "fort".
Of course he just ran from the room because there was a "centipede looking thing type bug in there!!!!!!"
Work was NOT fun this week! I had issues with employees. I had issues with funding sources. I had issues with my office.
I also am trying desperately to locate and lease an apartment within my price range. Mom and Beau have been here almost every day. I have managed to avoid them purely by coincidence. I have put in so many hours at work that by the time I get home at 7:00pm or later they are gone for the day.
In fact I will spend most of the day tomorrow at work as well trying to play catch up from being in a classroom. I had teachers suspended, sick AND in the hospital this week. I do have an appointment to look at an apartment at 4:00pm and then probably to the laundromat to do the daycare laundry for the week.
The sooner I can get out of this house and into my own apartment a lot of my stress will be gone. I need to feel independent again...that is something that Big Red took from me in the divorce.
Once I get past this month at work and get my staffing settled a bit it will be less stressful there as well. What with Picture Day coming up, a retirement of an employee and appointing a new Assistant Director all this month it is no wonder things are a little tense in the building...
I never did manage to get a motorcycle this summer. I seem to have run out of time as far as the weather is concerned.
As you see I played with the layout a bit. I am not done but I am growing tired so alas maybe I can get back to it this weekend.
I have been very busy at work trying to get everything in place for the new school year which starts on Monday.
We are adding an additional classroom which means waiting for the room to be available. It became ours late Friday afternoon. This of course means I will be cleaning carpets on Monday morning and trying to get materials etc moved by Weds. at the latest.
For this coming year I have enrolled at least 10 new children into our little center. Let me tell you that is a lot of paperwork! I believe we may have killed several trees in the process.
I also had my review at the new job...I don't know anything yet but I hope to receive word soon on if there is a raise in my near future.
As for this house thing....I think that if I purchase my Mom's house that I am living in I will regret it. I think she will always be in it...I will never have any privacy...it will be held over my head and she will think somehow I will be ripping her off. She actually asked my sister how much money I make. Growing up there were 3 absolutely taboo things you did not ask anyone:
1. How much do you weigh? 2. How did you vote in the last election? 3. How much money do you make?
So far since meeting and marrying Beau she has violated all of these plus some... she seems to under the impression that I am lying about my finances. I want to stand up and yell, "I WORK IN DAYCARE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"
I will never be rich in this field.
That is an understatement.
I am seriously looking into renting an apartment. Starting over will be hard but eventually it is something I need to do...plus I don't think she would EVER have all her stuff out of this house. I think having a place that is all my own with all of my own things will be the final thing I need to get my self confidence back. Don't get me wrong I have come a long way since Big Red and I separated and then divorced. I am not even a glimpse of the shell I was back then. But there is still more to be done in my spirit.
Anyway I hope when things settle down a bit I will be back to posting more regularly.
Since the divorce I have been struggling with the idea of not having a child. You have to understand that when I was a child I would stuff baby dolls under my shirt so that I could pretend to be a "Mommy". For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a Mom. A Mommy...
My current last name has had a few not so desirable people associated with it. I would love to make sure "the name" has a child of God as a legacy. I want to leave my own legacy as I am sure everyone does. This child doesn't have to look like me, talk like me, be like me but I want a child to pass on my legacy.
Through the song "Legacy" by Nichole Nordeman that I heard (with a new perspective) at the recent Women of Faith conference I have come to discover that I am leaving a legacy. It just doesn't look like I thought it would.
I am leaving a legacy by teaching and directing at a daycare. I am leaving a legacy by living my life for God through the good times and the bad. No matter what I do I am a living witness for my faith and for God. I have had many people comment to me about how I handled the divorce... how I handled losing my children...the death of my Dad... the abuse as a child that I endured...etc etc etc.
Those things have made me who I am today and that is part of the legacy I leave. Just being me and not giving up on God when it would have been so easy to do.
....
....
....
Although adoption is not out of the question and I am by no means giving up hope that someday I will have children. I am just accepting my lot in life and becoming content with where God has placed me for this moment in time.
So after fighting with my old computer and battling a virus (and being off line for almost a month) I am back!!!!
My computer guru sister has assembled a new computer system for me and after much debugging, defragmenting and fine tuning I am finally up and running! I think she got me back online to help deal with the REALLY ODD emails that our Mommy Dearest has been sending :o)
I have so much to say but I will start slow and catch you (all 4 readers I have) up over the next several days.
THE UN-ANNIVERSARY:
So earlier this month I would have had my 6th wedding anniversary. It happened to correspond with the Women of Faith conference this year. This helped tremendously. The theme was Amazing Freedom and that is what I was trying to grasp onto as this day rolled closer.
I am Free.
I am free of Big Red. I am free of the pain he has brought into my life. I am free to live my life according to God's will. I am free to date. I am free to hold onto God tightly as my Rock and source of courage and strength. I am free to be me!
It is a lot easier to type that out than live that out. But I try.
I have been reading a lot in the Message version of the Bible lately. This has caught my eye:
2 Corinthians 5:17
16-20Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you.
I have learned many things while sitting at a strange place checking my email.
One of which is that teens swear....a lot....
They can swear and put some of the military men I have known in my life to shame.
I do have many many many things to post about but until my computer is internet ready you will have to wait with patience...
I just passed my First wedding anniversary as a divorced woman....Women of Faith was awesome....I am hiring at work again....we are opening a new room to deal with our high numbers of new students....
But alas until my computer guru from yonder visits you will need to wait...
Big Red dropped off another load of stuff tonight. At first I thought he was bringing things a few pieces at a time just so he could see me as he has a habit of standing around and wanting to converse with me.
Then I realized it is taking him THAT long to clean up the house and sort through things. If you will remember this post.
Tonight he brought over among other things a trunk. I glanced through it quickly and found a few folders of papers from college, a blanket, rocks (I have no idea what they are from but I must have thought them worthy of saving at some point) and my senior booklet.
This booklet is not my yearbook or senior book that you order but something we as a class made.
Every student in our Senior English Composition class had to write a few distinct stories to include. We were given a few suggestions such as "Senioritis", "What I'd like to forget...", "My favorite memory from High School", "My Last Will and Testament" and "How to survive..."
I have enjoyed spending the last hour or so reading through these. It has been a nice trip down memory lane. I am sure we didn't have exclusive rights on all the STUPID things we did. Growing up in the country we had many stories of Railroad Track jumping, T P ing, forking, skipping school to go out on the lake etc.
BUT......I am so glad I don't have to deal with that anymore. I wouldn't go back to High School for any amount of money. Sure you could argue the lack of responsibly, the chance to start over and many other things but I wouldn't be the person I am today without MY life experiences.
So the dealership called today again...they sweetened the deal.
You see the itch comes from a few issues:
1. I didn't really pick out the car I currently own. It was purchased a month or so before the wedding and it was deemed the "family car". This was the 4 door soon-to-be-mom-mobile. This was the car we purchased that would be used to transport the children when we decided to have them. The thing that burns is that I really believe he never intended on having children with me. So why this car?
2. I am newly divorced and I need to rebuild some of my credit. No matter how good your credit was before a divorce it always seems to take it's toll on the score. So the car will be nicer and in better condition than what I own. My payments won't be too much higher than what I pay now (providing the deal goes through as planned). And I will be rebuilding the credit in my new/old name.
3. I could use a little fun right now. Going from the family car to a sporty VW Bug will provide some fun and will lift the self esteem a little.
4. If this car doesn't work out I can guarantee you that I will have a newer more reliable car within a month or so. It may not be a Bug but it will not need as much work as mine.
I did have the manly man who understands these kinds of cars that I know take it for a test drive and kick the tires and such. I got the thumbs up from him.
Every time I hear a song by Rich Mullins it takes me back to when my faith was new. When my Dad passed away a song by Rich Mullins was sung at the funeral. I was so touched by this song that I went out and bought the CD that contained the song. I can't find this song on You Tube but I did find another of my favorites...
The Jordan is waiting for me to cross through My heart is aging I can tell So Lord, I'm begging For one last favor from You Here's my heart take it where You will
This life has shown me how we're mended And how we're torn How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free Sometimes my ground was stoney And sometimes covered up with thorns And only You could make it what it had to be And now that it's done Well, if they dressed me like a pauper Or if they dined me like a prince If they lay me with my fathers Or if my ashes scatter on the wind I don't care
CHORUS: But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire And when I look back on the stars Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park And it won't break my heart to say goodbye
There's people been friendly But they'd never be your friends Sometimes this has bent me to the ground Now that this is all ending I want to hear some music once again 'Cause it's the finest thing I have ever found
But the Jordan is waiting Though I ain't never seen the other side They say you can't take in The things you have here So on the road to salvation I stick out my thumb and He gives me a ride And His music is already falling on my ears
There's people been talking They say they're worried about my soul Well, I'm here to tell you I'll keep rocking 'Til I'm sure it's my time to roll And when I do
CHORUS(2x)
I listened to this song over and over for about a year and a half. Then Big Red and I were married and God truly brought me to my knees where I had nowhere else to turn except to Him. After a year of not listening to this CD I sat in my living room one day and listened to the entire CD...several times as I cried. I had been attending church for a few months but I didn't understand what he was singing about on an intimate level and I wanted it...that thing he had. The next Sunday in Church is when I got it...I mean really understood.
Maybe I will blog about that later as it is time for me to get ready for church.
It is THE day. THE day that I wrote about last year. THE day that I found out about the Adultery.
It has been 2 years since that day. I am emotional this week but I think it has more to do with Mother's Day, a D & C anniversary and well.... hormones to be honest.
I find it strange that something that so consumed me last year at this time is something I may not even think about on any given day.
Now that is what I call progress!
I know my emotions are healing and I am not so focused on the negative. I still am not sure I am ready to date yet even though the possibility is there.
I don't think it is the fear of being hurt (although that plays into it) but rather more about not wanting to give up this new found freedom. The freedom to come and go as I want. The freedom to run around in my PJ's until noon on Saturday if I want. The freedom to take off on my scooter and put 30 miles on it if I want before coming home.
Don't misunderstand me. It still hurts when I think about that level of rejection. Unless you have walked that road in your marriage I don't believe you can truly understand that level of rejection and pain.
And the ANGER. I still have my moments that I want to tattoo a red A for adultery on his forehead. Spray paint it on the house or the truck.
I won't.
Anger needs to be constructive not destructive. At least that is what I learned in counseling a few years ago.
I am still healing and growing in my faith every day. As long as I move forward soon I won't look back in the same way. I will look back at how God has brought me through this experience. I have already begun to share my story with others in similar situations. If I can help someone else then maybe just maybe it can make a little more sense as to why I walked though this.
Sorry I have been missing in action lately. Rest assured that my cat is not happy with my absence from home either.
Once I hire a couple part timers you will be seeing me more often.
On to the highlight reel:
Mom and Beau have been scarce in these parts recently. I am not complaining but my inbox has been much more free from the numerous daily emails.
Big Red has FINALLY gotten my name off the house! YEAH! Only the truck to go and we will have no (current) financial ties.
I was able to download the coolest ring tone to my cell phone. Have you guessed it yet? .....The Superman theme song! All for the low price of $1.99!
Stomach flu and seasonal allergies are the topics at work right now. Let me tell you how NASTY it can be when a baby is eating sweet potatoes and then ah..ahhhh.....aaahhhhh......Achoo! Yeah not one of the "perks" of my job.
There is a cool little local coffee shop across from my work. They make GREAT white chocolate mocha's 20 oz for only about $2.50.
Unfortunately Dairy Queen is also very close to my work...I foresee a potential problem there.
One of the "perks" of my job is being needed to help a tired baby be rocked to sleep. There is one little one whose Mom is built in a similar way as I am in the chest department who loves to nuzzle up to me and coo and she drifts off to sleep.
So on Sunday I was out riding "Tinkerbell" aka the scooter when I turn onto a road at a light and hear a plethora of little horns honking that are not that all dissimilar to mine. Not wanting to be even more of a geek I chose not to turn around and look but I had a feeling.
At the next light I suddenly hear a LOT OF LOUD motorcycle engines pull up behind me. Between the revving engines I hear that "cutsy girly" laughter that used to make my stomach turn in High school and some deep belly laughter.
I swallowed hard and took off when it turned green. ZIP! ZIP! ZIP! ZIP!
Vroom! ZIP! ZIP! ZIP! ZIP!
No less than 8 sport motorcycles with tan college aged guys zip by with about 6 girls with the shortest shorts legal (at least I think they are legal).
Now picture this...I am a white almost transparent skinned lady on a scooter that tops out at 35 MPH with a helmet on...and the studly eight have just flown by me like I am standing still.
Here is the point....
Several years ago this would have made me cower inside and perhaps put away the scooter for a couple weeks...heck even last summer this might have happened.
Now it didn't really bug me. Of course I was bothered by the dust the bikes kicked up into my face as they were speeding past me but I chalked it up to them being immature youngsters with a case of spring fever.
Then it clicked. A light bulb went off. Big Red has one of these sport bikes. He says he has been borrowing it from a neighbor but.... the neighbor must never need it because Big Red is on it a lot. (I only know this because we only live a mile or so apart)
Big Red still has the immaturity that sometimes goes along with owning one of these motorcycles.
I have grown past this. Yes I am still a kid at heart but through the process of the divorce I have matured and grown past all this foolishness. I don't really care too much what people think.
I do have a few friends whose opinions mean a great deal to me. Some I have known only a year, 5 years and even one left over from before I was a Christian who I have known for over 11 years. Their opinions matter when it comes to issues of faith and friendship.
But a stranger or a gang of college aged motorcyclists have no effect on what they think of me. If they were to actually speak to me then I hope they would see that there is something different about me because of God. But to judge me, make fun of me or look down on me without speaking to me....ehhhhh what am I to do? Nothing. Doesn't phase me at all.
So I had a meeting with a friend today...we hold each other accountable for things. Just kind of a checks and balances type system to help keep me (and her) on the right track with our faith.
Well and.... we tend to keep each other out of trouble...
Today we discussed many things...her side I will always keep confidential. For my part we discussed how I am dealing with the divorce being final among other things. My Mom came up on several occasions. Well when you put together Big Red and my Mom in the same conversation with the two of us in a car at a baseball field watching her son practice in the falling snow the above song came up on several occasions.
It was a little tongue-in-cheek but then I remembered Cindy's Diner downtown. When we were dating and for the first couple years of marriage we would go downtown on Saturday mornings and have breakfast. If you are familiar with this little diner that "serves the whole world 12 people at a time" you know that they have little jukeboxes on the counter that you may pop a quarter in a pick a song. Big Red always picked this song along with "Splish Splash" and "The Monster Mash".
At the time he would sing it to me but in hind site I should have listened to the words a little closer. He always said he was afraid I would leave him when I "got tired of" him.
Well I guess I did leave him...but it had more to do with him sleeping with other women than me getting tired of him!
I'm just taking a trip down memory lane. It amazes me the things that trigger memories.
The smell of a musty smoke tinged garage reminds me of my Dad. Or fresh brewed coffee first thing in the morning. So does the smell of the perfume called "Millennium" that Avon used to sell. It is what I was wearing the summer I spent so much time at the hospital when he died.
The smell of fresh line dried laundry reminds me of my Grandma. She was the only person I ever knew that dried her clothes outside.
The smell of a freshly tarred road reminds me of where I grew up.
The smell of sawdust reminds me of Jamaica.
Seeing an old Simpson's t shirt reminds me of High school... well that and Salem cigarettes, Fuzzy Navels and a few other things.
Hearing the song Unskinny Bop will always remind me of my senior year. And this one reminds me of my "angry days"...no my Dad was not the guy.
This song reminds me of when I found out I was pregnant with the twins.
Agnus Dei reminds me of when I became a Christian. The line " Holy, holy are you Lord God almighty" suddenly was a statement to me instead of a question.
Magic Windows remind me of the innocent days of my childhood.
Wow what a trip..... does any smell or song remind you of anything?
It seems that lately I have been closing a lot of chapters in my life and have started writing new chapters.
Today I closed a chapter in my life as it was the last day I worked at my job of the last 3 years. I have mixed emotions.
I am ready for a new challenge...a new pay scale and a new fresh start to go with the new name I have acquired. I did make some friends at this place. I have seen many faces come and go and no doubt I will miss the children greatly. I had one little boy (whose mom had told him about my upcoming move) stick so close to me today that I tripped over him several times. He is 2 so I wondered how much any of the children would understand but this little guy got it. I lost count of the number of hugs I got today from him...I was getting ready to leave today and 3 of the children bounded off their cots to run and give me hugs before I left...somehow they all knew today.
There was one little guy who has moved on to another class that I will particularly miss. I looked in his room on my way out of the building and he was still sleeping. That was probably for the best.
It was kind of fitting that one little girl hurt herself this morning. I picked her up for a hug to "make it better" and she promptly bled all over the back of my shirt because she had split her lip. So I had a moment to go home and change shirts...well and bra... because it soaked through. Working with two year olds one seems to always get some sort of bodily fluid on oneself by the end of the day. There have been days during flu season that I was thankful I was spritzed by a potty training boy instead of the projectile vomit flying around the room...I mean if you have to pick one.....
Regardless I will miss "my kids".
I had two different ladies approach me today and tell me things that made me want to tear up and yet realize that people are watching. They both said that they were impressed with how I have handled myself with the Big Red situation. When I began working there I had a solid marriage. Within the first year there I had another miscarriage and the cracks started showing in our marriage. These women I know as my friends hugged me when the affair happened. Encouraged me when I wanted to give up too early and were ready with a positive word when I needed it.
They both said that I handled myself with dignity and that my faith was amazing. I think my God is amazing not necessarily my faith. There were times that I wanted to head for the hills but God threw roadblocks in my way or would send someone to lift my spirits.
I also had some friends that avoided me today because saying goodbye would have been too hard. I saw the glances and the quick waves in the hallway. We all made promises to keep in touch but it will never be the same as spending most of our days together.
I live my life for God and no one else. I am working toward becoming a responsible adult if that is possible :o)
Join me as I cough up a few skeletons from the past and hopefully try not to bury any more in the closet.
