Sigh..... the struggles of life

So I had a mandatory work function this evening...and to my surprise some of my coworkers had mixed drinks at this event. To their credit they did not flaunt this and even tried to keep this little adventure a secret from me.

I was pretty sure at various times I had smelled alcohol on them but thought maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Someone accidentally gave it away in front of me because he was unaware that I not supposed to know.

I know that I can't force people around me to NOT drink.... BUT if it is a mandatory WORK event that I must be at is it really fair to ask the alcoholic to be around it and not stumble and drink? It wasn't as if I could be at the event and not be around those people. We had to be in close proximity to each other.

I have been sober for about 4 years. I am not going to say I have had NOTHING to drink in 4 years because I have slipped and fallen off the wagon on a few occasions. But I have not had anything to drink in 10 months... including tonight. The key for me is that when I do stumble in this area (well really any area for that matter) I need to ask forgiveness from God, forgive myself, be accountable to someone by owning up to my mistake and start over. I am not willing to give up being sober!

I also tend to get discouraged if I start my "sobriety time" over just because I make a mistake. That is why I hold onto the 4 years instead of the 10 months time frame. I also know I have friends I can text or call that will ask me about it the next day. But at the same time I also know if they receive that call or text that they will pray for me.

But above all I try not to place myself in a position where I have to make that choice which brings me back around to mandatory work functions and the presence of alcohol....

I guess I am just venting a little frustration. Soberly venting.

The whirlwind of my weekend

I missed the wedding yesterday because I was working but made it to the reception.

Granted it was not a family wedding so you will not hear stories of the rednecks or cowboys.

This reception had a few cultural events I was unfamiliar with...some sort of train dance where you attempt to knock the bride and groom off the chairs they are standing on...

I realized that sometimes a wedding isn't a happy occasion for all involved. I saw sad faces mixed in with the happiness.

But most importantly I saw a family coming together to support each other. I saw a friend who supported the Mother of one of the youngsters getting married and helped her hold her emotions together for the event.

I learned what support looks like from the outside. I have learned in my life to be supportive but I don't recall in my family ever seeing anyone else supporting each other. I have seen defending, belittling, codependency, alcoholism and many other things but not support in a healthy way.

I am currently in a season where I am learning about healthy relationships. I am learning about friendships and other ways to be emotionally healthy. I have started down this path before and even thought I had it under control at points but this time I am involving God in the process at a much deeper level.

What I will take away from this wedding is the realization that my friends ROCK! With all of my faults and flaws they love me for me.... just like God does.

So today I have started making an effort to tell those around me how much I love them and how important they are to me. I want them to know that I too love them with all their faults and flaws...I love them for their imperfect humanness!

Progress........

So apparently there is a skinny woman begging to come out from underneath this junk food inspired layer of fat!

I have already dropped one full pants size in just under 2 weeks! WooHooo! I am doing the happy dance!

I am being very purposeful about anything that goes in my mouth. Well and drowning it all in water several times a day :o)

I have chosen not to purchase a scale and track my weight in that way because this is more about getting healthier than the actual number of pounds.

Maybe when there is a significant loss then I will post one of those pictures of a skinny person standing in a huge pair of pants. LOL

My newest goal

So I am onto a new journey! I am on a journey to lose a little weight and get healthier.

When I was going through the divorce with Big Red I lost just over 80 pounds. Not through any big effort or change in my diet but purely out of stress.

Now I am NOT recommending a divorce or
affair as a means to lose weight but I should have continued on the path while I had a good head start on things.

But alas here I sit.

I am reacquainting myself with the food pyramid. I honestly had not given it much thought after the test I had in Health class many many years ago.

Being 5' 7 I graduated High School right around 100 pounds...no it was not an eating disorder. But I didn't really NEED to watch what I ate. Then the miscarriages started and the depression sunk in. I turned to many things for comfort including food. Now here I sit almost 20 years later and easily twice that weight. I don't own a scale, and have no intention of buying one.

Yes I do want to lose some weight but the overall goal is more about starting to live a healthier lifestyle and getting comfortable in my own skin again.

God has started showing me that I hide behind my weight and my humor. I have become the stereotypical funny chubby friend. He is showing me that in order to grow in Him and fulfill His desires and dreams for my life I need to get things straightened out in this area.

I need to stop hiding and step into the freedom He has for me!

So join me on this journey or just cheer me on. But either way please be assured I will still be funny or at least crack myself up on occasion...

Laughter

Today I am thankful for laughter. I have not had the opportunity to laugh much today in particular...but I think one of the best feelings in the world is a big hearty belly laugh with friends.

So I am making a goal to find something to laugh about everyday!

A great explanation of the disease I have!

Mom is still crazy....

So my lovely sister had a surgery recently. She had her ...um...internal female parts removed.

We sit making small talk to try to cut the tension. Well the word Cancer had come into play and we discussed family history etc.

So my Mom in her infinite wisdom looks at me in the waiting room and says....

"You might feel better if you just had it out too...." I said no I will deal with whatever comes along.... and she says, "well is might ease your mind and you aren't going to use them anyway."

Thank you Mom for giving up on me once again.

She has given away or sold all the toys she was saving for my children. I have been given the blankets that my late Grandma made for my children (it is traditionally a shower gift given to you). She purchased the "final set of stockings because we aren't adding anyone else to the family"

Why should I not begin to expect these things from her? After all we had to buy back some of the family heirlooms from a local consignment shop. She wouldn't give them to us or let us buy them because we "couldn't afford them". Well I bought them for half of what she wanted to sell them to us for :o)

Boundaries are a wonderful thing! She has been home from the southern regions of the US for over 2 months and we haven't had her over to the house...and have no intentions of making that invite. We are doing great at meeting at neutral places...so far....

Anyway....Mom is still crazy....

I had forgotten I had this blog

I had forgotten that I had this blog! Life is so different!

I spent some time rereading the first few months of posts and I am amazed at how different my attitude is now compared to then.

Big Red did get remarried to the 20+ years friend from the earlier posts...you know the one he wasn't having an affair with while we were seperated..LOL

I am once again a home owner, my lovely sister and I are living together still, Mommie Dearest is still around and kicking with Beau, God is still on the throne and I strive to grow closer to Him everyday...

The life of a homeowner!

I have been busy working on the new house! Painting, plumbing, unpacking, tossing the junk that my Mother insists is ours and it isn't.

My newest project this weekend is putting a wrought iron railing around the back deck so that the insurance company doesn't decide to cancel our policy. She was awfully picky on one other issue...if you could see me I am rolling my eyes....we have two boards on the front porch that she considers "warped". They started off saying we have to replace the entire porch and now we are down to the two boards. The really picky thing is that where they are popping up higher than the rest of the boards is directly under the railing on the front porch!!

There is NO chance anyone would walk on this warped board unless they were falling breaking a leg, and sliding under the railing on the way to the ground below!

A few funny things

The economy isn't the best right now so this sign was seen posted in the break room at work.

On one hand I am glad it isn't as easy as a drive thru divorce but man some people can be just reduced to their lowest points during this process.

Moving day is fast approaching and we are getting more and more excited.
I am ready to put some space between us and the Ex's.

Where was I?

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OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

I am not dead but if I was it would be nice to know that my car would be paid off.

So I have been very very busy with the things of life and did I mention I am buying a house? It is cute. Very Cute. Lots of character.... It has a tree house in the back for the squirrel and we will all have our own bedrooms! That hasn't been the case since September...needless to say we are all a little excited. Yes it needs a little work, painting the rooms, laying a kitchen floor, putting up handrails on the steps, but this is all stuff we can do with minimal amounts of help...unless you are volunteering :o)

I mentioned in the last post that Big Red has gotten married. I am not really upset about it but it isn't like I am going to invite them over for coffee. I do not want to see them together. I just want him to go away. Now that my name is FINALLY off everything we owned jointly I do not have any reason to ever see him again.

HOORAY!!!!

Things are looking up and I am excited!

Still alive and kicking!

I am still alive contrary to the rumors of the death of my blog. I have just been very busy trying to keep up with the Squirrel, deal with Big Red finishing up the odds and ends of name/title changes of the divorce, suffering through Mother's Day, the not-so-new job and the trials of life in general.

Maybe I just need a new layout to get interested in this again...new colors...new information.

Oh wait I have stuff to blog about...just lack the time to do it...And the squirrel thinks my keyboard is too loud so he "shushes" me when I type...

Did I mention Big Red got married a couple of weeks ago? Yeah maybe there will be more on that later...

So I resisted the urge to choke him today....

So after dropping the squirrel off at school today I had to stop and get gas. And what is up with $3.45/ gallon?! That just cements my idea of finally buying the motorcycle this summer. Well that and I don't have to park a 1/2 mile away from my desk...it will be just 50 feet or so. I filled the tank up and it cost almost $50.00!! This is where I make myself sound old by saying, "I remember when..." gas was only $0.59/gallon.

How did I get so off track?

Any way... I ran into Big Red at the gas station and he had enough nerve to tell me that he was taking his girlfriend's son to the orthodontist. The man who did not want to be bogged down with a kid...didn't want the responsibility of a child...is now playing "Mr. Dad".

He hasn't had time to follow through on the rest of his obligations from the divorce decree but he can take time to criticize me for missing church last night, ask me about new car deals available right now and a host of other things while I was waiting for the gas to finish pumping...

Anyway I am just mad...I'll get over it....must get ready for work.

Ouch

I know this may sound really odd but my tongue really hurts! When I look in the mirror it looks like I have several taste buds swollen, irritated and inflamed.

I thought maybe I was doing that crazy sucking thing when I sleep again. I know that sounds odd but apparently I suck on my own tongue when I sleep at times...

Given that I have worked with children and seen almost every ailment known to mankind I have ruled those out. I am not currently working with children so it would make it highly unlikely at best.

Oh Well just another oddity of my life...

Whew....

The events of late in my humble abode have left me exhausted to say the least. Dealing with our little squirrel with issues of medication switches, shake ups of homes etc has taken a toll on us all.

The slightly odd note here is that Squirrel has begun refering to me as one of his parents. I find this odd. I have made no secret of my misfortune in the child producing area of my life.

However this past weekend it dawned on me that I am old enough to be the parent of every young girl sitting at my table on Sunday mornings. Most of them were born the year I graduated from High School.

WOW.

I do still have every intention of Adopting someday. God's timing ...not mine...

The new job...

There is someone who was hired at the same time as myself for the same position only Part time.

The problem I have is that she sleeps....yes at work. She is only in her 20's!

She even plans this into her day! "I will just do XY&Z and then sneak in a nap before lunch..." Our supervisor is aware of this but has been SO BUSY he hasn't had time to address this issue with her. I am not implying that this is an excuse for him...we literally have had people walk out and quit, pass away and other issues like flooding at his home etc. All major issues.

I hope this is taken care of soon or at least addressed...the rest of us are tired of picking up the slack. We are only picking up things that reflect on us as a group, her indivdual responsibities are hers to screw up. Which will become abundantly clear in the next several days.

I am tired and will be curling up in my nice warm bed away from the evil wind outside soon so I bid you farewell.

2 years ago....

Two years ago I posted this on Valentine's day.

Two years ago my divorce papers where actually filed at the court house. About a year ago the divorce was actually final.

I could really care less if it Valentine's Day this year. I am not saying I am thrilled with being single but I am OK with it.

I am getting on with new parts of my life and enjoying how I have been stretched by God in the process.

I know I have been scarce around here but I have other interests now and don't feel the need to vent as often as before.

I am amazed at the progress I have made...

Fun with neighbors....

Well the snow hit with a resounding THUD outside in the yard! I measured around 5 inches I think but it was difficult to tell because it had blown around the yard quite a bit before I made it out with the snowblower.

The snowblower we have is a MONSTER! It is a 7.5 HP red beast that weighs at least 1000lbs! I am just happy that it has all the bells and whistles like the electric starter, self propelled with huge wheels to tear right through any mound ahead of me however...

My arms and legs are killing me today!

After a neighbor helped me with the electric starter (I didn't have a cord long enough) and had a good laugh at why we needed one this big I was on my way. It only took about 45 minutes to snow blow the driveway, sidewalks and a spot in the yard for my sis to park so the snowplows could go through without burying her car. I was exhausted!! I have to be careful in colder weather because it becomes more difficult for me to breathe and coldness ups my risk of blood clots for some reason. Sometimes I don't realize how limited I am by the APS until I go to do something everyone else can do and almost kill myself in the effort. It doesn't stop me from trying but I have to be very aware of my limits.

Are you ready for the funny part?

The garage is not attached to the house so therefore I took my keys out with me to unlock the garage to have access to the Monster.

No Problem!

When I was ready to come back in the house I went toward the door and out of habit reached in my pocket for my keys. Exhausted and out of breath I can't find them...hmmmm.

The house is unlocked but I know that the keys are outside somewhere. I go get the spare key to the garage and look but don't find them inside. I got the spare car key to check inside where I grabbed my gloves.

Nope.

I begin to walk around where I have used the snowblower. Nope.

I begin to fear that they have fallen out and I have run over them sending them flying into the piles of snow I have made.

This is one of those times I am very thankful that I have BIG bright key chains on it!

Well they apparently they did go through the Monster of a snowblower as I eventually found them in the middle of the yard where I had not walked.

Another. 45. minutes. later.

I was afraid to pick them up and see what mangled mess would be left...

Amazingly there are only a few small scratches on the remote for the car and so far all of the keys I have tried work well.

Now today I need to tackle the car and getting that cleaned off....

I am tired....

Have you ever had one of those conversations that lasts literally for days?

The Squirrel has literally told me every fact in his brain about planets, volcanoes and a certain foreign country that his Father is in right now.

For the last 4 days......nonstop......several times....over and over and over and.....

well you get the picture...

You can't tune him out either. If you do not respond in the right time frames he will say the same thing over and over raising his volume slightly each time. Followed with a harsh little comment of, "Geezs would it kill you to offer a simple OK? so I know you are listening???"

The speech that follows about respect isn't worth it because he will just start over the entire conversation about the planets etc because he is "not sure which parts you heard".

One way or another you will hear what he has to say...

So I might as well listen half heartedly the first time and throw in a "uh huh" and a "really" every couple of minutes.

In fact I am surprised this post turned out this organized because I have a tendency to type what I hear and he has talked nonstop since I picked him up from school...

Of course I am not as tired as a fellow employee is as she sleeps half of the day every day at work . The boss is aware and I am sure plans are in the works to fix this problem....but more on that a different day....

Wisdom and a word to the wise

IF you date a married man and then he leaves his wife to date you.......

You are then dating a man who thinks it is OK to date other people while in a committed relationship.

Don't act surprised when it comes back to bite you in the end. You reap what you sow...

So if you want a relationship that works don't date the married man to begin with.

Just my thoughts...

Job Description?

So I have a varied job description thus far...

• I have learned phone etiquette for this particular business.
• I have learned phone scripts and the most positive ways to phrase things
• I have made phone calls
• Practiced phone calls until my mouth was so dry I could barely speak
  
• OK maybe that was a little bit of an exaggeration but I have made literally thousands of calls to the other employees I am training with
  
• Today we figured out our new headsets and the little quirks they have.
• We also put together one of the three desks we will be using as well as all three chairs. The other two desks will be in next Wednesday.

One of the really odd things is that I am now working at this new job with a girl I haven't seen since I was 8 or 9 years old. She lived next to me for a year or so when I was a kid. The last time she saw me she was 5 or 6. Really odd after all these years.

She has been asking me a lot of questions about God. She has been to church a few times but not anything that she would classify as a commitment. Seems to me that God really wanted me to have this job for more than one reason.