Changes are every where

When I was a child every couple weeks or so my Dad and I (or the family) would be driving somewhere and we would go by a junkyard. Sometimes the same one... sometimes a random one.

My Dad would always joke that he would be getting my first car from this junkyard or that one. Kind of ironic that my first car was only 4 years younger than myself. But I understand why they did that...in the 70's they made cars like tanks. It also kept me close to home as it only got 12 miles to the gallon. Being in the country nothing was closer than that so I would dig through the couch cushions to come up with the $0.69 I needed for a gallon of gas.

I was thinking about this as I drove to the origins of One4jc Land this weekend for a birthday party. OK I drove to a little neighboring town for the party and detoured on my way home so I could go past the house I grew up in.

We used to have a HUGE evergreen tree in the front yard and this little sprout of a tree that wasn't even big enough to climb. I used to ride the streets of this little town on my bike from dawn to dusk with no fear. We lived next to a tiny green house that was the home of (what I believed to be) the oldest man alive. This little one bedroom house could have fit inside our house....twice!

This is also the house that most of the abuse occurred or at least started. It seems to be frozen in moments of time in my mind. Occasionally I drive by but I really have to go out of my way to see this little town.

I have seen the Post Office move to a new location, the school (yes singular) get new playground equipment, new housing additions pop up and many other things over the years.

This time when I drove through town I noticed the old evergreen was gone and the tree was almost too big to try to climb. The little grocery store where I got candy is torn down as is the little green house.

My Mom recently sent me an email telling me that an old neighbor was asking about my sister and I. She made it seem sinister in some way. She refused to give this old neighbor our contact information. I wonder if she is still trying to "preserve the family image"?

Life changes. Changes happen whether you want them to or not.

Oddly enough I am glad the old house has new windows, a fenced in back yard and a converted garage so that it looks different. Now maybe the house that was in my nightmares for so long will never appear to someone else in their dreams... well at least this is helping put some of those final parts of my life to rest. Again.

Just rambling I guess...

A trip down memory lane

I remember very little about my junior high and early high school years. I have blocked most of it out as it was a very dark time in my life....

BUT.... I do remember going on a few Youth Group excursions to see concerts in far away cities...well sometimes they were only a day trip. I remember the first time I saw DC Talk in concert was in Dayton Ohio when I was at a 3 day conference/youth rally.



And if that doesn't take you back to the 80's then I am sure that one of my other favorites from that same rally will. I LOVE Whiteheart! The first time I heard this song about forgiveness it was a totally new concept to me. I grew up in a house where everything was held over your head. To this day I am still reminded by my Mom of the time I spilled a quart of paint on the carpet and how they didn't have enough money to go buy more paint because it was a special color etc etc etc etc etc...

The little dialog he has before the song really helped me to understand what forgiveness was about for the first time. Of course it took another 14 years before the concept of God's love really sunk in but nonetheless here is one of my other early favorites.

My Legacy?

Since the divorce I have been struggling with the idea of not having a child. You have to understand that when I was a child I would stuff baby dolls under my shirt so that I could pretend to be a "Mommy". For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a Mom. A Mommy...

My current last name has had a few not so desirable people associated with it. I would love to make sure "the name" has a child of God as a legacy. I want to leave my own legacy as I am sure everyone does. This child doesn't have to look like me, talk like me, be like me but I want a child to pass on my legacy.

Through the song "Legacy" by Nichole Nordeman that I heard (with a new perspective) at the recent Women of Faith conference I have come to discover that I am leaving a legacy. It just doesn't look like I thought it would.



I am leaving a legacy by teaching and directing at a daycare. I am leaving a legacy by living my life for God through the good times and the bad. No matter what I do I am a living witness for my faith and for God. I have had many people comment to me about how I handled the divorce... how I handled losing my children...the death of my Dad... the abuse as a child that I endured...etc etc etc.

Those things have made me who I am today and that is part of the legacy I leave. Just being me and not giving up on God when it would have been so easy to do.

....


....


....

Although adoption is not out of the question and I am by no means giving up hope that someday I will have children. I am just accepting my lot in life and becoming content with where God has placed me for this moment in time.

One long day down...two more to go!

So because the infant teacher is out and I am so dang picky about who I will let in the infant room I had to be at work at 7:00am. I was burned before at another center by a very mellow lady who handled the stress well and one day "snapped" and shook a baby. So after all the police reports and phone calls etc. I have been very leary this time around.

So in I trotted this morning and will for the next 2 days as well. I only cover the first couple of hours and another teacher covers the rest of the day.

I am tired but not as tired as my sister who is really dragging after the Iron infusion today. Say a prayer for her if you are so inclined. The place she went is a place we are all too familar with as my Dad did most of his Chemo there as well.

Well I didn't want to wake her up so I am sitting at the library typing this entry and I see by my "Session information clock" that my time will be over soon...

Be Back Soon

A bittersweet day

As I have posted before my Dad was my Superman. Today was the 8 year mark since he passed away. Even all these years later, on this day, I can look at the clock and tell you what I was doing at that exact time on THE day. I know my Mom is happy with Beau. My Dad would want her to be taken care of... it is just still hard to swallow at times.




The other part of my day has me quite excited! I went to the license branch today and went inside expecting a line. I walked up to the counter directly and they sent me to take my test. I took the test AND renewed my plates for the car and was out the door in less than 20 minutes!

Yes you read that correctly 20 stinking minutes.... I think it must be a record of some sort... at least for me anyway!

Anyway back to this test. That's right. I passed! I am now an official permit carrying motorcycle wannabe chick! Now let the REAL shopping begin for a motorcycle!

And yes Patty... I am keeping the car for when the weather gets crummy. And yes I will wear a full face helmet with the wind guard... Any more concerns out there?