New directions

I have been fully seeking God. I have been remodeling my house. I have awesome friends who love me no matter what. I haven't given much thought to Big Red in quite a while :)

Adoption....

I feel the pull as my 40th birthday has come and gone and I see no prospects for marriage in the near future. I have always had a heart for adoption and during this process of remodeling I have realized it is almost my form of nesting.

I know of several agencies in my local area who provide Foster and Adoption services. I don't expect that I will have a newborn in my care but I foresee a child coming to my home. I'm seeking God's will on who comes, when they come and trust that He will place the child that needs me in their life at the right time.

Just thinking outloud again....

Considering coming back again

I am considering making a come back but I want an outlet to truely be myself. I fear a few too many people know me personally and could potentially use this against me. Just thinking outloud I am guessing because I doubt anyone is still reading this.

THE Check up

So I had my health insurance check up this past week...oh joy! The typical things like weight, cholesterol, glucose levels, tobacco use (or non-use in my case) and what I need to do to improve my health.

Hopefully this year I didn't scare them enough that they will assign me a "Health Coach" again this year.

The thing that cracks me up is that even after losing 100 pounds they still consider me to be "morbidly obese" by their little charts. Because I only have lost 12 pounds in the last year they are a little concerned. Here is the catch though...in that same time frame I have lost 8 inches off my waist and brought down my BMI by 7 points. I point this out and they seem to be happier. I explain that I have been exercising more and that I am becoming more defined with muscles...

Oh! Yes they agree!

My thinking on this is:

1. He is supposed to be the "Health Professional".
2. He had the same numbers in front of him that I was looking at.
3. He is a RN and I am a regular gal just trying to get healthier.

Why was I the one who pointed out these differences? He was the individual that is in charge of advising me about my health for the 20 minutes we are together and I was the one interpreting the numbers to him?!?

This may be part of the issue with the current health care crisis. Which is why I have always taken it upon myself to learn as much about my own health as possible.

Learn about any conditions you may have and take responsibility for your own health because you may be the only one paying attention.

I will get off my soapbox now...

Back again...

So I have been writing a lot lately and I think I will be restarting this blog so that I can have a creative outlet.

Of course I am still choosing to be anonymous in my writings so this could get interesting.

I will soon, hopefully, be sharing stories of the wonderful group of women I have found myself in the midst of, sharing again my faith and telling you funny stories of singlehood...because yes I am still single...shocking I know :o)

Perfect People

This has been running through my head for several weeks now. As humans we are flawed, broken and not worthy of His grace and love...but He gives it anyway.

So we come bruised and battered to set at His feet.

I guess I should feel sad?

Once upon a time I posted this little rant about Michael Jackson.

And now today I find out he has died.

I didn't like the guy. I thought he was a pervert and should have been listed on an offender registry.

On one hand my thought was, "Good he can't hurt any more little children!"

On the other hand the man changed music and dance forever by what he did in his professional life.

On the other hand (no one is counting them right?) I thought, "Dang Satan won another one!"

Now I do not profess to know what his faith was or even have any kind of knowledge about his relationship with God but looking at how he lived his life I would venture a guess that it was not a close intimate relationship.

This saddens me. Not because of who he is but because of the awesomeness Michael missed out on in a relationship with God.

Not to forget that Ed McMahon passed away this week and Farrah Faucett as well.

But because of the big wacky life Jackson lived those deaths are overshadowed by the rehashing of the molestation trials, the payoffs and the oddities of his life.

Nonetheless he had lupus and that does hit a little too close to home for me.

A new link that I like....

So I have a site that I am starting to really like....it allows for being honest and completely unknown in frank discussions about God, Dreams and other women's issues as well.

Go check it out here.

I'll wait here while you go check it out and let me know your thoughts....

Sigh..... the struggles of life

So I had a mandatory work function this evening...and to my surprise some of my coworkers had mixed drinks at this event. To their credit they did not flaunt this and even tried to keep this little adventure a secret from me.

I was pretty sure at various times I had smelled alcohol on them but thought maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Someone accidentally gave it away in front of me because he was unaware that I not supposed to know.

I know that I can't force people around me to NOT drink.... BUT if it is a mandatory WORK event that I must be at is it really fair to ask the alcoholic to be around it and not stumble and drink? It wasn't as if I could be at the event and not be around those people. We had to be in close proximity to each other.

I have been sober for about 4 years. I am not going to say I have had NOTHING to drink in 4 years because I have slipped and fallen off the wagon on a few occasions. But I have not had anything to drink in 10 months... including tonight. The key for me is that when I do stumble in this area (well really any area for that matter) I need to ask forgiveness from God, forgive myself, be accountable to someone by owning up to my mistake and start over. I am not willing to give up being sober!

I also tend to get discouraged if I start my "sobriety time" over just because I make a mistake. That is why I hold onto the 4 years instead of the 10 months time frame. I also know I have friends I can text or call that will ask me about it the next day. But at the same time I also know if they receive that call or text that they will pray for me.

But above all I try not to place myself in a position where I have to make that choice which brings me back around to mandatory work functions and the presence of alcohol....

I guess I am just venting a little frustration. Soberly venting.

The whirlwind of my weekend

I missed the wedding yesterday because I was working but made it to the reception.

Granted it was not a family wedding so you will not hear stories of the rednecks or cowboys.

This reception had a few cultural events I was unfamiliar with...some sort of train dance where you attempt to knock the bride and groom off the chairs they are standing on...

I realized that sometimes a wedding isn't a happy occasion for all involved. I saw sad faces mixed in with the happiness.

But most importantly I saw a family coming together to support each other. I saw a friend who supported the Mother of one of the youngsters getting married and helped her hold her emotions together for the event.

I learned what support looks like from the outside. I have learned in my life to be supportive but I don't recall in my family ever seeing anyone else supporting each other. I have seen defending, belittling, codependency, alcoholism and many other things but not support in a healthy way.

I am currently in a season where I am learning about healthy relationships. I am learning about friendships and other ways to be emotionally healthy. I have started down this path before and even thought I had it under control at points but this time I am involving God in the process at a much deeper level.

What I will take away from this wedding is the realization that my friends ROCK! With all of my faults and flaws they love me for me.... just like God does.

So today I have started making an effort to tell those around me how much I love them and how important they are to me. I want them to know that I too love them with all their faults and flaws...I love them for their imperfect humanness!

Progress........

So apparently there is a skinny woman begging to come out from underneath this junk food inspired layer of fat!

I have already dropped one full pants size in just under 2 weeks! WooHooo! I am doing the happy dance!

I am being very purposeful about anything that goes in my mouth. Well and drowning it all in water several times a day :o)

I have chosen not to purchase a scale and track my weight in that way because this is more about getting healthier than the actual number of pounds.

Maybe when there is a significant loss then I will post one of those pictures of a skinny person standing in a huge pair of pants. LOL

My newest goal

So I am onto a new journey! I am on a journey to lose a little weight and get healthier.

When I was going through the divorce with Big Red I lost just over 80 pounds. Not through any big effort or change in my diet but purely out of stress.

Now I am NOT recommending a divorce or
affair as a means to lose weight but I should have continued on the path while I had a good head start on things.

But alas here I sit.

I am reacquainting myself with the food pyramid. I honestly had not given it much thought after the test I had in Health class many many years ago.

Being 5' 7 I graduated High School right around 100 pounds...no it was not an eating disorder. But I didn't really NEED to watch what I ate. Then the miscarriages started and the depression sunk in. I turned to many things for comfort including food. Now here I sit almost 20 years later and easily twice that weight. I don't own a scale, and have no intention of buying one.

Yes I do want to lose some weight but the overall goal is more about starting to live a healthier lifestyle and getting comfortable in my own skin again.

God has started showing me that I hide behind my weight and my humor. I have become the stereotypical funny chubby friend. He is showing me that in order to grow in Him and fulfill His desires and dreams for my life I need to get things straightened out in this area.

I need to stop hiding and step into the freedom He has for me!

So join me on this journey or just cheer me on. But either way please be assured I will still be funny or at least crack myself up on occasion...

Laughter

Today I am thankful for laughter. I have not had the opportunity to laugh much today in particular...but I think one of the best feelings in the world is a big hearty belly laugh with friends.

So I am making a goal to find something to laugh about everyday!

A great explanation of the disease I have!

Mom is still crazy....

So my lovely sister had a surgery recently. She had her ...um...internal female parts removed.

We sit making small talk to try to cut the tension. Well the word Cancer had come into play and we discussed family history etc.

So my Mom in her infinite wisdom looks at me in the waiting room and says....

"You might feel better if you just had it out too...." I said no I will deal with whatever comes along.... and she says, "well is might ease your mind and you aren't going to use them anyway."

Thank you Mom for giving up on me once again.

She has given away or sold all the toys she was saving for my children. I have been given the blankets that my late Grandma made for my children (it is traditionally a shower gift given to you). She purchased the "final set of stockings because we aren't adding anyone else to the family"

Why should I not begin to expect these things from her? After all we had to buy back some of the family heirlooms from a local consignment shop. She wouldn't give them to us or let us buy them because we "couldn't afford them". Well I bought them for half of what she wanted to sell them to us for :o)

Boundaries are a wonderful thing! She has been home from the southern regions of the US for over 2 months and we haven't had her over to the house...and have no intentions of making that invite. We are doing great at meeting at neutral places...so far....

Anyway....Mom is still crazy....

I had forgotten I had this blog

I had forgotten that I had this blog! Life is so different!

I spent some time rereading the first few months of posts and I am amazed at how different my attitude is now compared to then.

Big Red did get remarried to the 20+ years friend from the earlier posts...you know the one he wasn't having an affair with while we were seperated..LOL

I am once again a home owner, my lovely sister and I are living together still, Mommie Dearest is still around and kicking with Beau, God is still on the throne and I strive to grow closer to Him everyday...

The life of a homeowner!

I have been busy working on the new house! Painting, plumbing, unpacking, tossing the junk that my Mother insists is ours and it isn't.

My newest project this weekend is putting a wrought iron railing around the back deck so that the insurance company doesn't decide to cancel our policy. She was awfully picky on one other issue...if you could see me I am rolling my eyes....we have two boards on the front porch that she considers "warped". They started off saying we have to replace the entire porch and now we are down to the two boards. The really picky thing is that where they are popping up higher than the rest of the boards is directly under the railing on the front porch!!

There is NO chance anyone would walk on this warped board unless they were falling breaking a leg, and sliding under the railing on the way to the ground below!

A few funny things

The economy isn't the best right now so this sign was seen posted in the break room at work.

On one hand I am glad it isn't as easy as a drive thru divorce but man some people can be just reduced to their lowest points during this process.

Moving day is fast approaching and we are getting more and more excited.
I am ready to put some space between us and the Ex's.

Where was I?

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OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

I am not dead but if I was it would be nice to know that my car would be paid off.

So I have been very very busy with the things of life and did I mention I am buying a house? It is cute. Very Cute. Lots of character.... It has a tree house in the back for the squirrel and we will all have our own bedrooms! That hasn't been the case since September...needless to say we are all a little excited. Yes it needs a little work, painting the rooms, laying a kitchen floor, putting up handrails on the steps, but this is all stuff we can do with minimal amounts of help...unless you are volunteering :o)

I mentioned in the last post that Big Red has gotten married. I am not really upset about it but it isn't like I am going to invite them over for coffee. I do not want to see them together. I just want him to go away. Now that my name is FINALLY off everything we owned jointly I do not have any reason to ever see him again.

HOORAY!!!!

Things are looking up and I am excited!

Still alive and kicking!

I am still alive contrary to the rumors of the death of my blog. I have just been very busy trying to keep up with the Squirrel, deal with Big Red finishing up the odds and ends of name/title changes of the divorce, suffering through Mother's Day, the not-so-new job and the trials of life in general.

Maybe I just need a new layout to get interested in this again...new colors...new information.

Oh wait I have stuff to blog about...just lack the time to do it...And the squirrel thinks my keyboard is too loud so he "shushes" me when I type...

Did I mention Big Red got married a couple of weeks ago? Yeah maybe there will be more on that later...

So I resisted the urge to choke him today....

So after dropping the squirrel off at school today I had to stop and get gas. And what is up with $3.45/ gallon?! That just cements my idea of finally buying the motorcycle this summer. Well that and I don't have to park a 1/2 mile away from my desk...it will be just 50 feet or so. I filled the tank up and it cost almost $50.00!! This is where I make myself sound old by saying, "I remember when..." gas was only $0.59/gallon.

How did I get so off track?

Any way... I ran into Big Red at the gas station and he had enough nerve to tell me that he was taking his girlfriend's son to the orthodontist. The man who did not want to be bogged down with a kid...didn't want the responsibility of a child...is now playing "Mr. Dad".

He hasn't had time to follow through on the rest of his obligations from the divorce decree but he can take time to criticize me for missing church last night, ask me about new car deals available right now and a host of other things while I was waiting for the gas to finish pumping...

Anyway I am just mad...I'll get over it....must get ready for work.