Update

I did speak to the couple who taught our class and told her that it was over and I would be filing for a divorce. When I said I felt like I had no other choice because of X, Y, and Z (don't feel like typing it all again) she said that she agreed because of those reasons. Whew 1 person down. I have 2 or 3 friends (supporters/encouragers) that will be difficult for me to tell.

Have you ever just wanted to SCREAM!?

I had a massive run-in with Big Red tonight. Now he's mad that I didn't do the computer room by myself. LOL. He contends that I didn't live up to my part of the agreement! I will never make him happy! I am trying to cancel the meeting we have with the other couple for tomorrow night. I've got a call into them...

I've tried doing an internet search to see if he has any children out there that I'm unaware of their existence. What you don't think that is possible? Well let's take a look at the things I've discovered this summer:

* Big Red has at least one account that I've found set up in a different name (using an alias)
* I haven't found the credit card that matches the number I found on that account.
* He has had more than a few "indiscretions".
* He has continued a "relationship" with another woman.

He stated to me tonight that if I'm waiting on him to "Kiss my ass" and beg me to come back I will be waiting a long time because that will NEVER happen. I told him that I don't feel like he wants a relationship with me and he immediately turned it around about all the things I do wrong. I can't wait to get the show on the road and get busy getting on with my life.

I just want to scream at him! Any volunteers to help me move the rest of my things on Saturday December 10th?

The Calm know as "the peace that passes all understanding"

I'm a little calmer today in some aspects. I can honestly that God has come in and eased my fears, calmed my spirit and helped me to refocus.

All I'm really going to say right now about the phone call that I received is this...It has been made apparent to me that this act of adultery was not an isolated event and based on the information I have...(deep breath)...there have been more than a few "friends" in Big Red's life during our 7 year relationship.

I have had one of those moments that I call a "puzzle piece" moment. It is when someone gives you information that you didn't know you were even missing at the time. BUT when you have the information it fills in SO MANY incomplete thoughts or confusing situations. It is like receiving the puzzle piece you didn't know that you didn't have until you have it and then the picture is all of a sudden extremely clear to you. With the information so many questions have been answered. The signs were there but I didn't see them because I thought I could trust Big Red. I dismissed a lot of items because of my trust issues from the past. I thought I was "reading too much into it." I guess I wasn't after all.

Needless to say it is over. I will be having a meeting later this week with a pastor to discuss how to tell Big Red and basically come up with a "game plan" so that this can be handled in a mature manner (at least by me). I already know that because of his temper that I will not be telling him alone. The Pastor and I have already discussed that there needs to be another couple present. I will keep everyone updated as I know more...

God is in control. Bottom line. God will handle all this in His time.

Hot under the collar!

I'm glad that I've basically made the decision already. I'm too mad to even type it out but maybe I will at a later date. The only thing I have to say is that I had an interesting conversation with Big Red's brother (the one who's ex-wife he slept with). God will carry me through.

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Happy Day vs. Sad Day

Today has been rough. On one hand it is a happy day because it is a close friend's birthday on the other hand the twins would have been 3 today. Maybe I should back track a little for you...

I have miscarriages. I have no children here, they are all in Heaven waiting for me. Various dates have significance for me because either it would have/ should have/could have been a birthday or it is a date that one of my angels went to Heaven. Today is one of those days.

Big Red and I lost twins and they would have been due today. I don't expect him to remember because his mind is not good with dates. Usually we would curl up in bed watch a movie and just cuddle our way through the tears that come and go on days like these. I don't know what he did but I cleaned my bedroom, did laundry, put my new sheets on the bed and talked things over with God.

I did manage to brave the crowds yesterday and do a little shopping. I'm not a crowds person let alone a shopper by anyone's standards... so this was an accomplishment to say the least. I got my nephew an X-Box game that will make me the favorite Aunt this year! This is when I also picked up new "T-Shirt" sheets with a funky stripe pattern. New bed=new sheets. This bed happens to be one that I inherited and was storing at my Mother's house so it will go with me when I start over on my own. Of course I will be taking the matching dressers from the house at some point which should create some more tension between Big Red and I.

I have enjoyed my 4 day weekend BUT I have discovered how much time is TOO much time with my mother. I plan on making a "run" for it by planning some things with friends from church for tomorrow afternoon (I hope).

Gobble Gobble

Oh the joys of eating ourselves to oblivion and then napping on the couch for the rest of the afternoon is one of the Hallmarks of my Family traditions on Thanksgiving. Eating, talking then eating more, then talking and finally dessert. We did have "extra" people this year in the form of the inlaws from "that other country". They had never experienced Thanksgiving... so this year was even more traditional than usual.

This year Big Red and his Mother were noticeably absent. Not that they were invited but it all started to hit home again today. My life will never be the same again. Hopefully down the road it will be better but for now definitely different. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I expected to hear from him today. We haven't spoken since last Friday. Then again today is a sentimental day for the 2 of us. Five years ago on Thanksgiving day Big Red proposed in the middle of my sister's living room in front of my family.

I'm just sad that things have turned out the way they have.

A tale of two shoes

I attended the "Thanksgiving eve" service at Church tonight. It is an informal casual service. God caught my attention while I was praying during the service. He began to show me that I need to slow down, "smell the roses" and take time to appreciate the little things in life. I had my head bowed praying when I opened my eyes to discover that I had 2 different shoes on my feet. I started trying to stifle the laughter welling up inside of me. Luckily I go to a "contemporary" church and others around me started praising God rather loudly so the giggles that leaked out went unnoticed.

That was my funny moment for today...

Which Muppet are you?

You are Fozzie Bear.
You are caring and love your friends as if they
were family. For only they will put up with
your stupid jokes.

FAVORITE EXPRESSION:
"Wocka! Wocka!"
FAVORITE AUTHOR:
Gags Beasley, comedy writer

HOBBIES:
Telling jokes, dodging tomatoes

QUOTE:
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

NEVER LEAVES HOME WITHOUT:
His joybuzzer, his whoopee cushion and Clyde, the
rubber chicken.


What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

My little "friends"

OK a little venting...

* I have seen entirely too much diarrhea today...5 children = 14 diapers
* Between the two classes today we had 3 children...oh I'll be polite...vomit. Ok maybe not...2 children "projectile puke" and another "spring a leak" and ooze.
* Two year olds not understanding that "we can't walk through the puddles o' puke"
* Greenish yellowish snot leaking from every little nose in our classroom.


I need a day off. I can't believe I went to college for this...

I don't make enough money for the things I do.

Let us give thanks ........

Let us give thanks ........

FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH..

FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS
I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

More confirmations

At Church today as I was speaking to a friend about some of the things that God revealed to me this weekend she suggested that I read Hebrews 11. I told her I had read it numerous times :o) She asked me to read it with a renewed view. I did. The items that stuck out to me were the parts about God honoring those who are faithful and obedient to Him. The other item that God showed me is that I will lose friends in this entire process. Certain people will not agree with my choices. Remarkably I am ok with that because I am being obedient to Him. And well let's face it...if God loves me and I'm following His guidance then He will take care of things and place people in my life to help me along this path. I would rather lose every friend I have than be disobedient to God.

I am looking foward to the shortened work week! I really need a break from all the runny noses and grouchy little "friends" at school. I love them dearly but I haven't had a full day off since Labor Day.

I have been set free!

Wow...What a weekend. I went to this retreat hoping for a powerful encounter with God and a confirmation of some items. I am still sorting through all the things God did in my heart...but this I KNOW God loves me and NOTHING else matters. If my actions line up with God and my heart is right with Him I don't care what anyone else thinks. Because He died for me and He would do it all again...He loves me that much!

I want to stand up and yell, "I have been set free!" Oh the freedom in forgiveness...I don't have to carry the baggage of the failures in my marriage, the sins of the past or any areas that were holding me captive!

My faith has brought me through many trials and God will carry me through this, too.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Well after my great weekend discovering "my story" at that conference now I'm off to a full fledged retreat on Fri. and Sat. To backtrack a little:

Big Red told me about his affair the Weds. before I attended this same retreat in May. At our church we can attend a 16 week class called "Cleansing Streams" and attend a retreat for a weekend to grow in our relationship with God. Last time I was completely blown out of the water by his "little announcement" and still went to the retreat in a town over 2 hours away. This time the retreat is in my own town so I'm attending (we don't have to attend the class more than once in order to attend).

I am really looking foward to "getting away" and growing closer to God. Lately I have felt like God is standing beside me in every decision I have made or contemplated. I feel amazingly close to Him in these last weeks.

This is the verse I'm holding onto today:

Romans 15:13 (NIV)
13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Peace

I am incredibly at peace. I didn't go over to finish taking the rest of the items but I will later this week. I have only told 3 maybe 4 people about my intentions. I am still waiting until after this weekend like I have been asked to do.


In honor of Thanksgiving I have included this funny item:

http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=382219626&m=1652&rr=y&sou

Tackling the computer room

Whew! I had a dear, sweet, kind, gracious friend go with me to take on my cleaning project in the house. I'm happy to say we got through most of it and managed to pack up most of the rest of the room too! I now have very little personal items left to pack. I have not yet told him that I plan on moving out for good. Big Red seems to oblivious to what I'm doing, he is too concentrated on what I'm "not doing". I did find a few surprises that I didn't expect...

On a happier note...

God is still doing some amazing work in my life right now. He is starting to heal my heart and deepening the peace I feel. I continue to pray that Big Red will come running back to God. I believe that God is also calling me to go on a 2 week missions trip in the spring. I know this is awful timing, I don't have the money and I must be crazy to consider this, BUT I'm praying for God's direction and I have asked a few close friends to join me prayer about this issue also.

Confirmations

So today was another awesome day in Church. I keep getting these confirmations from God that it is ok for me to be divorced. Not that He is happy but Big Red's actions are showing himself to be running from God. As long as I continue to seek God all will be ok. Not that it won't hurt or be hard but God will care for me. God doesn't expect me to stand by and watch Big Red build relationships with other women while we are still married. God doesn't expect me to be responsible for accounts Big Red is building in different names. God does expect me to use this to minister to others, reach out to others later and glorify His name.

How would you handle a problem in your relationship?

Apparently some people do not handle relationship problems by venting it out on a blog.


WESTMORELAND COUNTY, Pa. -- Gail O'Toole was convicted of simple assault and sentenced to six months probation for acts she committed against her ex-lover.

On Wednesday, the civil suit went to court, where O'Toole's ex-boyfriend claimed her "outrageous" and "inhumane" acts are worth thousands in damages. Ken Slaby said he was in love with O'Toole five years ago. He even admitted he was devastated when O'Toole broke it off. So, when O'Toole invited him over to her Murrysville home to rekindle a friendship, he said he agreed. Slaby said O'Toole even went to his house in Pittsburgh to pick him up. But according to Slaby, the night took a turn when O'Toole got angry about Slaby's new love. Slaby said O'Toole waited until he fell asleep and glued his penis to his stomach, glued his testicle to his leg and glued the cheeks of his buttocks together. When came the nail polish.Slaby claimed O'Toole dumped it all over his head.When he woke up, Slaby said O'Toole threw him out.
He didn't have a car, so he was forced to walk one mile down Route 22 to call 911 and Murrysville police, Slaby said. When asked if in his 23 years as a police officer he had seen anything like this, Patrolman Joseph Malone of the Murrysville Police Department said, "No, I can't say I have." At the hospital, oils did little to remove the glue. Nurses actually had to peel it off.

Slaby underwent treatment from a dermatologist several times afterward. O'Toole's attorney said this was part of routine sexual activity between the couple -- acts that he agreed to -- incidents that should have stayed in the bedroom. But Slaby said O'Toole told him she planned the acts since the break up. According to Slaby, O'Toole came up with script and followed it to the letter because she was angry that he had moved on. Slaby said his injuries included severe burning on parts of his body, impingement of normal bodily functions and discoloration of his hair.

The 10 men and two women on the jury can award Slaby $30,000 or more. Their decision is expected late on Thursday.

Loving your story

Wow what a life impacting, stronghold shattering, life changing and all around awesome day! I went to the conference today. I actually listened to Dan Allender, PhD (the author of a book titled "to be told" <--- couldn't figure out the underline) teach on his book.

Every event in my life (and yours) has been written by the Author of Creation...God Himself. No He did not write the sinful parts (or the painful parts like abuse etc) but He uses them for good of His Kingdom. If you allow Him to, He will help you reveal your own story (future) as He intends for you to live. I am still processing all the great information that I received today so I apologize if I'm not making sense. All I know is I had a glimpse of God in an auditorium today... through the words of a humble man I began to see the depth of Love that God has for me and the plan He has for me.

God can use all this junk with Big Red and other events in my life to help me further His Kingdom. He can help me discover my passion and show others a glimpse of Him.

And the saga continues...

Well I heard back from the cell phone company. VERDICT: No Fraud or malice involved. Calls were placed from Big Red's phone. Presumably by Big Red himself although I'm sure that will be one of the next excuses.

I went to work on my part of the agreement tonight by looking after the "office". I have discovered that he has placed MANY new items in the room. Apparently if he didn't know what to do with an item of mine he chucked it into the computer room for me to take care of it. I ready to go in with a crew and pack ALL of my things and just leave once and for all...

I am attending a conference tomorrow that I'm very excited about. It is titled "Learning to Love your story". About accepting the role God has given to each of us and learning to love and thrive in that role. Sounds like it was made for me at this point in my life.

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/mickey_ouch.htm


Copy and paste for a disturbing yet humorous picture of Mickey Mouse.

My Verse to hold close

This verse was brought to my mind again today.

Isaiah 41:10
New International Version (NIV)

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.


Amplified Version
10Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.

Favorite Quotes

It is time for a little humor. I found these quotes to share with you all. Enjoy!


1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos--you never know what's going to burn your butt.


2) I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.


3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

5) I don't have an attitude problem, You have a perception problem.

6) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?

7) My reality check bounced.

8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

9) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!

10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

13) Be careful . . .A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

14) Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

15) The more Crap you put up with, the more Crap you are going to get.

16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves For they shall never cease to be amused.

21) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!

22) "Normal" is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to the job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, the car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it!

My Life Quiz

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.6
Mind:	5.8
Body:	6.4
Spirit:	7.6
Friends/Family:	4.8
Love:	0
Finance:	5.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

I have to laugh at this.

Big Red and the AP

Well apparently Big Red's accountability partner would not let him off the hook...BUT I'm never ever "allowed" to talk to his AP ever again. Whatever. I pointed out to Big Red that his actions are not exactly screaming, "I want to work this out!" He then deflected the conversation back to me and how I'm not cleaning the house etc. Sigh. I can see this is a losing battle. I have that peace about the situation that only God can give me.

Ode to Big Red
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.


I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do.

Disclaimer**** I am not advocating Spousal Abuse in any way.*****
I also did not write this wonderful work.

Jumping on the wagon too...

I've decided to jump on the band wagon of "Things that I hear at daycare". I've been teaching children in this setting for over 13 years and I always think I've heard it all:

* Over heard in the Dramatic play area.
Child 1: No I get to be the Daddy.
Child 2: No I want to be the Daddy!
Child 1: Ok but YOU still have to bring me the beer.

* We introduced a new alphabet matching game with letters written on chips that resembled Poker chips. After another child pointed out that his daddy plays with those another child decided to quote his Uncle by saying, "Poke her I didn't even know her!" He did not understand why all the teachers broke into laughter.

* We hosted the annual "pajama day" in our classroom. We discussed the different types of PJ's we all had (footy, superman, Blue's Clues etc). When a little girl proclaims in her loudest voice ever, "My Daddy only wears his fur to bed at nighttime!" Now that was a mental picture I didn't need.

My First Husband...

I know it's getting near the end when I start referring to Big Red as my First Husband instead of my husband. We had another "incident" today. We went to the cell phone company so that he could contest or dispute the number of phone calls to 20+ years friend STILL on the bill. I'm letting him puff out his chest about this but I've already talked to the manager of the customer service department and know that they can't/won't take calls off a bill if it a number that has been dialed from that phone before undisputed. Did you follow that? Basically Big Red is screwed as far as proving his "innocence" in the matter. We continued the disagreement in the parking lot where he still holds on to the issue with the stripper in the yard talking thing (see the Oct 19 post)! Of course he did nothing wrong.

Now Big Red has decided that he wants a new accountability person. He doesn't like that I have talked to his AP and told him what Big Red has agreed to be accountable for! Excuses excuses. He is still flat out REFUSING to go back to counseling.

After the retreat on the 17th and 18th I will be making a decision with or without him. God has released me but I will give Him that weekend to minister to my heart and speak to me.

Shopping :o)

I don't have a lot to say today. I do feel much better today. I went shopping and picked up a new pair of shoes and a couple of pairs of jeans for work. I was VERY excited that (since this whole thing started I have dropped a lot of weight about 35 lbs.) I have dropped 2 full sizes in pants! No wonder I kept pulling them up everyday (all day long).

Church was cancelled today because of a lack of power. The massive storms from last night knocked a great deal of limbs down etc. The sanctuary gets pretty dark with no lights or windows. I am amazed at how much I miss that "group act of worship". I think I also miss the social time I get with friends. This makes me really look forward to Weds. night classes.

Back to reality

I am not feeling well today so I've spent most of the day dinking around on the computer and trying to keep my stomach in check about digesting versus rejecting food. I didn't work on the "assignment" I have at the house because of this but I did BRIEFLY make an appearance there.

When I went to check the mail I amended the agreement I have with Big Red. He now in addition to being faithful MUST contact his accountability partner EVERYDAY. He immediately started backpedaling and saying he would TRY to everyday BUT... AP might be on the internet...doesn't always return my voicemails etc. Excuses excuses.

A few more quizzes...do they have 12 step program for this?

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational. You are also giving and kind - a great friend. You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

Well well isn't that interesting...

Your Inner Child Is Happy

You see life as simple, and simple is a very good thing. You're cheerful and upbeat, taking everything as it comes. And you decide not to worry, even when things look bad. You figure there's just so many great things to look forward to.

How Is Your Inner Child?

I wish THIS inner child would have a talk with my REAL inner child!

You Are Likely a Third Born

At your darkest moments, you feel vulnerable. At work and school, you do best when you're comparing things. When you love someone, you tend to like to please them. In friendship, you are loyal to one person. Your ideal careers are: sales, police officer, newspaper reporter, inventor, poet, and animal trainer. You will leave your mark on the world with inventions, poetry, and inspiration.

The Birth Order Predictor

Well I am the 3rd born but I'm not sure all this fits me...

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

Well not sleeping through US Government in High School has finally paid off.

Another quizzy thingy

Let me state this up front! Just because there is a link within the test to an online dating service DOES NOT mean that I in any way have gone there or am even considering a date....legally I'm married and in God's eyes I'm still married.

Question mark You scored 61% Sociability and 35% Sophistication!

You are the soul of the inquiring mind--you are the glory of the scientist and the bane of the pseudo-scientist. But, more than that, you, more than any other, can indicate changes in pitch in dialogue. What other punctuation mark can do that? Yes, you are one of the "common herd." So? The problem with that is . . . ? You get along well with others, because they all respect you. You have no natural enemies.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 77% on Sociability You scored higher than 6% on Sophistication

Link: The Which Punctuation Mark Are You Test written by Gazda on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Random thoughts to lighten the mood

I thought I should try to lighten my mood so I found these in an old email and thought I would include them.


*Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

*Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

*Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

*How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

*Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

sigh....

I need to try and contact someone for "Godly Wisdom". For some reason I'm wondering if what I agreed to was even a valid concession to make. Am I obligated to follow through on my end of the deal aside from packing my things and leaving the room empty? I'm still astonished that Big Red is even thinking that faithfulness is an item up for negotiation. Am I alone in this thought?

A new low...

I believe we have hit a new low, perhaps the end of the road for "us". During our last class last night things spiraled out of my control and the discussion "went South" fast with Big Red in the lead. He has them SO convinced that I'm an awful housekeeper... that it is completely my fault that the house is a wreck (keep in mind I haven't lived there since July 23rd). We made an agreement to the following: I will work on the Computer room and finish the remodeling projects etc and have it done within 2 weeks. In exchange Big Red agreed to NOT contact any females or have personal contact (phone or in person) for the next 2 weeks. My problem with this is HE HAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN DOING THIS ALL ALONG! I am not OK with the fact that he has made being faithful a negotiable issue. The Computer Room is basically my old office space with my clown gear and collections inside. If I had to do this today I would just go over and pack all my things up from that room. Faithfulness is NOT negotiable at all!

2 Corinthians 12:9
And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

This is what I'm holding on to right now. God will sustain me.

Fort Wayne Observed

Oh good grief! I just discovered that I was listed in a small article about a Fort Wayne Blogger going through a divorce. Talk about PRESSURE...I am having writer's block, performance anxiety...

First of all let me say that we have not made the official choice to go through with a divorce. Because of my faith I need to make sure that I have exhausted all the possible avenues to saving this marriage. I am continuing to pray that God will get ahold of Big Red...

I discovered this today:
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?


More later...

Fun things I do to remain somewhat sane...

Recently I received an email that actually made me laugh out loud. In honor of the fact that it doesn't seem to happen very often I am going to post the ones I deem most humorous.

* Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,switch to Espresso. (I wonder what would happen to my supervisors?)

* When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

* When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

* As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

* Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

* Walk around "A Superstore" and randomly place boxes of Tampons or Condoms in other people's carts.

Another direction now...

Well tomorrow is our last class "to jump start the process" of saving our marriage. I assume we will be asked to make some sort of decision as to "actively fixing" or start the divorce process. The problem appears to be that we are at a stalemate... I'm stuck on the whole BEING FAITHFUL and not building relationships (or sleeping with!) other women. He's stuck on me cleaning the house every waking moment I'm not at work. The issue with that is that he has been remodeling the house for the last 5 years...without much progress to say the least. It is difficult to clean around the tools and half finished projects IN EVERY ROOM! Well his newest theory is that I need to help him finish all these projects which in Big Red language translates into "finish the house by yourself!" The simple fact is that I don't know how to drywall, replace windows, hang cabinets or lay carpet. I'm not exactly... oh shall we say...."handy" with home projects like that.

I have been seeking God's wisdom on this entire issue and He took me to a few interesting places in the Bible today. He started out in Eze. with the story of the Dry Bones in the Valley, then to Psalms and praising Him and finally to Jer. 8. This caught my attention because it discusses a people who have walked away from God (don't seek Him) and He takes things away from them, homes, fields and THE MAN"S WIFE because of his unfaithfulness to God! This fits right in with the feeling that I have that God has released me from this marriage.