The High Road

I wish at times that people would just quit telling me stuff about Big Red!

On one hand I want to know because it is confirmation that I'm doing the right thing by divorcing him. You see he has this charm about him...if I stay away from him I won't get sucked in by his charm and proclamations that he isn't cheating/dating/sleeping around anymore...You see I know he is. Bottom Line. Period. No question.

There is a gentleman at church who has been trying to get through to Big Red...not someone who has previously been involved with us in any way. He approached me today to tell me he is still trying and praying for us. Really that is all he said.

**sidenote~Big Red has been proclaiming faithfulness to anyone in earshot at church and placing the blame on me...When confronted I set the record straight but have done my best not to speak badly of him...boy that is tough sometimes!

I said, "If you want to keep trying I wish you God's blessing but be aware that he is still dating. I know this but he won't admit to anyone that he is still dating other women."

He says,"Oh I know about it.(OUCH!) We had a soul wrenching conversation this morning after church. He was very concerned about your ER trip this week."~I now know that he really did speak to Big Red.

I said,"Please make sure that he knows every time he is dishonest with me and denies the continuing affairs he is making the wounds deeper and more harmful to any chance he has a civility from me."

Yes I need to know for my peace of mind to know I am not crazy...as Big Red is leading me to believe.

No I don't want to know because it hurts. It is the kind of hurt I would not wish on my worst enemy or wish on him either. It is the kind of hurt and rejection that words can't describe. I would only be able to compare it to "a tearing or ripping apart of the soul" (Courtesy of DivorceCare). This type of rejection is almost unbearable. The person I became one with, the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the person who promised to protect me and never to leave me..has left for "greener grass". Another woman. Back with the "tramp" who started this whole thing in the first place.

Anybody seen my map back up to the high road?

And people wonder why I get angry???

Why I am angry this weekend you ask? Well a nice combination of Big Red and Mom seem to have done it.


First as I was preparing to go off to the merry little Spring Program I was dressing and my Mom walks in and says, "You're not wearing that are you?"

sigh...

Why does she always do this before some sort of major event in my life? It totally drops my self esteem and self respect through the floor, past the basement and down to the middle earth region that burns in hot steamy molten lava kind of way.

She seems hell bent on making sure that I dress either as a frumpy fat woman or like a senior citizen. I don't have the energy to deal with this aspect of my mother right now. She has continued to do this my entire life so it's not like this is an isolated incident. The she drops the biggest of all,

"I think that your brother did this to you and your sister!"

My response was of course something along the lines of, "Well that may be true but I will be on stage in front of 600+ people in less than a half hour and this is not the time to "work through" my issues with Bubba (I renamed him that in an earlier post)!"

I just walked away at this point and let her leave with Beau as I had nothing else nice to say.

Then today came...

First she paraded Beau through my BEDROOM from the back door even though Coffee and I both said please don't because I was in boxer shorts and I DIDN'T HAVE A BRA ON!! That's ok she says. But it's not ok with me! Now this may not seem like a big deal to you but it is a HUGE deal to me. I am large chested and let's face it without a bra they can be down around my belly button. So I grabbed a blanket very quickly and hid as he walked though my room.

Then I scooter over to a friend's house this afternoon and receive some interesting info on Big Red from an unlikely source. Seems that one of the guys Big Red plays on the pool league with lives directly next door to my friend. I have sat in the yard and spoken to him and his wife/girlfriend/concubine on several occasions without knowing this link.

So the girl portion of this duo helped me figure out this connection when Big Red drove by the house and we put it together. She asked me how I know him. I said we were in the process of a divorce and she said I thought you were already divorced. No not yet and she said, "Is that because of his girlfriends?"

Stunned silence...............

More information:

• She doesn't want to get her husband in trouble with Big Red. I understand that.
• She doesn't remember any of their names but she might know them if she heard them.
• I bust out a couple names including 20+ years friend and the tramp...ahem I mean girl he had committed adultery with...
• "Oh yeah she (the tramp) is on the pool league with his sister 'Wilma'. "
• So he sees her at least once a week.....me processing the information...but their not dating?
• Well "male part of duo" said that he played pool with Wilma so Big Red could play pool with his girlfriend.
• "I don't know how serious it is or if they are still dating...I mean they don't live together or anything."
• My reply...." He had better not move her in because I still help pay for that house!"

I know he still dates. I know he is not being faithful even though we are still married in God's eyes and legally married as well.

I just get irritated that he puts on this front at church and tells others that I'm not "following God's will". I am irritated when it is brought to my attention that I married someone who lies so easily and so well. I'm mad that I was taken by his charm. I'm mad that I can't just turn off the feelings I have for him.

I know none of this really matters because soon it will be "water under the bridge" but it still hurts.

Is it any wonder?

Is it any wonder that people have a bad impression of Christians and what we represent? I added the highlights myself.

MySpace prank puts high school senior in jail

Lakeland, Florida — A senior at the Sonrise Christian School was arrested Friday after authorities began an investigation into his posting a countdown of the hours until he blew up the school on the popular "My Space" website, the Polk County Sheriff's Office reported.

The arrest of Brian Russell Hall, 18, of 815 Wedgewood Lane, Lakeland, stemmed from word the school received from a visitor to his website about the threat. The school, in turn, contacted the Sheriff's office.

Investigators went to the school and obtained his consent to search his person. They say they found a set of brass knuckles and a knife.

They say he also consented to a search of his vehicle, where deputies found two more knives and a pipe with marijuana residue in it.

Hall was booked into jail on charges of Possession of Weapon on School Property on his person; Possession of a Weapon on School Property in his car, Possession of Marijuana Less than 20 grams and Possession of Paraphernalia.

His computer was seized from his home, they said, and further charges related to the threat posted on the website are pending that investigation.

Deputies said he told them during an interview that the comments on the website were intended as a "senior prank."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I mean I know Christians aren't perfect...One look at my life and that is very apparent. But when Christians "behave" it isn't newsworthy. Unfortunately this is what people grab ahold of and use to call all Christians hypocrites.

What a busy week!

This week at work has been the "Week of the Young Child". It was originally a NAEYC event and has spread through out the country.

Tonight is the BIG wrap up of the week with the Spring Program and Ice Cream Social afterward. We have literally spent weeks practicing the special song the children will sing and making the artwork that will decorate the room with the "Social".

Each class will separately go on the big stage in the sanctuary and sing two songs before returning to their rooms to await the Grand Finale! Because of the size of our daycare this whole process will most likely take about an hour just for the performances. I personally think the ice cream is just bribery to get the kids through the program.

Needless to say there will be an energy shortage in the Fort tonight as the camcorders drain all the power to tape the smiling/crying little faces. Maybe I will post more after I return from the grand event...

Tired...

This week seems to have lasted forever. So far I have learned these things:

• When I was little and my Mom said to wear clean underwear all the time because you could be hit by a car and one can't have dirty underwear on...she could have been right.
• Just because someone says they can drive doesn't mean they should drive.
• It's tough to be a clown for 2 1/2 hours while making balloon animals and entertaining children 2 days after being in the ER.
• God is good all the time.
• God protects us even when we are being idiots.

Quick post

I have issues with...

cost sadness forget theory cold

Take Word Association Test


Ok we all know I have issues (Quit laughing!). But I found this interesting...

My Day with Doogie MD

What a day!!! I still have a headache so I am pawning today's post off to Coffee as she has already written about it under So My Silly Sister...

Here is the Synopsis before the hospital:

Ok...when I woke up this morning my right eye was a little
droopy..thought that's odd...went to work at 6:00am.

I was feeling ok...then at about 9:00am I got really dizzy, confused, couldn't remember some of the children's names (I teach 2 year olds), the whole right side of my face was droopy, I was stumbling and I was slurring my words...needless to say I went home...my Mom (where I live
ugh ) and sister (who lives across the street) saw me and I was carted off to the ER.

After a CAT Scan and being seen by the Doctor he came up with a "Pre-Belles Palsy like" attack. I told them I have APS...blood clotting disorder...my sister even brought articles and mentioned stroke, TIA's etc. "No you're too young for that" they finally diagnosed it as dizziness from a non serious cause...

By the time it was time to go I walked out on my own and felt fine well except that I'm really tired...

I'm still foggy but feeling better...


I'm part of a forum about APS and this is the response that I got from one of the members:

It WAS a TIA! That was a vertebrobasliar TIA. No one is too young to have a stroke or TIA. I would call hospital administration and have words with them. Have your mom have words with them also. Call your primary and make him/her aware of it and write it down in your journal.

Have your mom or someone take a picture of your face when it does that. Pictures do help alot.

The ER claimed this was a migraine. I had a coworker tell me it was Bells Palsy because she had a sister who had that for a few months. See, I have had them more then once...and at my former employer...the same one who said this disease was a matter of convienence. 2-3 months later, the neuro had a fit and said it was a TIA based in my brainstem.

And Bells Palsy doesn't go way that fast.

I emailed her the pictures and she still thinks it is a TIA...

A mindless post

I am just posting a quiz for today...I have been busy scootin' around town and trying to get the headlight fixed so I can drive when it MIGHT be darkening toward dusk...Anyway I pinched this from Coffee:

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stress eaters

I have always known that I was raised to be a stress eater. Oh you fell off your bike...have a cookie.
Bad day at school... we'll have cheeseburgers for dinner. It's your birthday... let's have your favorite supper. This was not unusual in my home. It was however more common when I was the only one left living at home.

I didn't realize how much my Mom was a stress eater until I moved in with her last summer. It's not like she is really that stressed about anything right now BUT she sees my stress/anxiety over the divorce and keeps trying to feed me! If I look like a MIGHT shed a tear she makes cookies.

The biggest problem with this is that she knows all of my favorite foods. I find it really difficult not to fall into those old patterns that took me years to break myself of.

I understand the concern because I have lost 60 + pounds since this began last May. But I am 5'7 and needed to lose it anyway! A size 16 jeans are feeling loose at this point, so it's not like I've dipped below 100 pounds or anything!

She sees me eat. She knows I am eating. She would just be happier to plump me back up again.

On the other hand I do like seeing Big Red's face when he sees me...with the new body and longer hair...and him knowing he will never be able to touch it again!

Rest In Peace

I went to the funeral home tonight to see Brian's family. It was odd to see his son because he looks so much like Brian. I didn't get to see his daughter but she was there somewhere.

The other odd thing I found out tonight was that Big Red worked with Brian. I found out that my childhood Best Friend who I hadn't seen in 15+ years had actually been out in front of my house...while I was living there...and I hadn't known it. Of course there was no reason that Big Red or myself would have ever put together that we knew the same person. I do not believe I would have recognized him. He had gone a different way than I have gone...He had so many tattoos that I could have spent hours just reading them. Down to his fingertips...

My mind has been flooding with memories this week. When "Thriller" came out Brian had the zippered pants and jacket. He would listen to the cassette tape so much that his parents made him go to the garage and then outside and listen to it. He broke the first tape by listening so much. Before dual tape players exsisted he figured out how to set 2 tape players together...1 on play and the other record...so he would always have a copy of "Thriller" to listen to. He even learned how to Break Dance...LOL.

A sad day

One of my childhood friends has passed away. We have definitely have gone down different paths in our lives at this point but man what a shock this is to me. He was only 30 years old.

I grew up not far from his house and we saw each other all the time because our parents were friends.

He was one of the few people that was allowed to come spend the night at my house when I was little.

When my grandpa passed away when I was 10, my sister and I were sent to their house to spend the night while my parents helped with the arrangements.

I know that he was extremely intelligent because of the ideas he could come up with that usually got us in trouble.

I know from the obituary that he had 2 children...I can somewhat understand that pain...but not from that young of a perspective...

I am praying for his family and I hope to attend at least the calling even though I have not seen him in years.

A life cut short...

Tom Cruise

I haven't said a whole lot about this Tom Cruise/ Katie Holmes thing or the Tom Cruise/Brooke Shields spat last year but I've had enough now! Silent Birth...please. No to Antidepressants? Live a week with me not on them and see if you can come out alive at the end of the week. Oh But WAIT....He must attend Church with me. My Church. Not one made up by a science fiction writer! And SURI??? What? I understand the meaning behind etc...but I see clearly that you will be making NO EFFORT at giving her a "normal" life just by the name you have given her!!!

Enjoy his family portrait above.

The Happy Day

I think today is the first day in many months that I have been able to do things for me all day long! I have perused my favorite blogs, searched for a job with benefits, took a leisurely shower, listened to some of my favorite music and even listened to a little Kenny Chesney music on CMT on a special called "Be As You Are". I guess if I'm going to a concert I would like to know more songs than the one about a sexy tractor?!

I continued to do research on APS. I want to be well informed if I am the one who needs to educate my Doctor. I may end up traveling to Indy or South Bend to get things started but I don't want to make that drive every week for bloodwork to be done. It is important that we inform ourselves because Doctor's are not perfect. They are only human (gasp!) and while their knowledge of the Human body is more vast than mine I know there is still so much they do not know or understand about it.

I have enjoyed my day off and will enjoy another one on Friday....shhhh don't tell my Mom yet. I have discovered if I wait until the last minute to tell her I have a vacation day then she doesn't have time to plan my day for me. On the other hand she does appear to be "firing on all cylinders" today.

I was scheduled to finish up the last of the DivorceCare classes tonight but there were only 3 of us that would be able to make it. It will be rescheduled... again.

I am still so happy that I was able to relax today.

I've been tagged

Name ten of life's simple pleasures that you like most, then pick ten people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used. Thanks to Nic at As my World Turns!

1. Ice cream~ Ice cream has always been a nice little escape ever since I was a wee child.
2. Clothes line dried clothes~I love the way clothes smell when they are dried outside in the fresh air.
3. Time with friends~I treasure being able to go to lunch with a friend or just catching "coffee" to talk.
4. Petting my cat~I love it when my cat curls up in my lap and wants to be petted.
5. A good book~ I like to curl up with a good book and a blanket on a rainy day.
6. Candles~I love the smell of candles and the way they light up a room with a soft glow.
7. Prayer time~ I treasure the time I get to spend with God everyday.
8. Fresh cut flowers~ I like fresh cut flowers in a vase beside my bed or next to the computer.
9. Clean sheets~ I love to crawl into bed at the end of a long day and smell clean sheets and enjoy the freshness of them.
10. A hug~ In the past I did not want to be hugged at all. I have a small group of people who I allow to hug me now. I treasure the comfort and security in those hugs.

I do not know 10 people to tag so I will tag: rosalie, Laura and Patty.

Good Luck!

The empty tomb...

He's not there.
Happy Easter to all and God Bless.

Taxes must =stress in the world of Big Red

Back in February I suggested that we go ahead and use the online program to do our taxes as we have in the past. Oh no we must get them "Professionally" done to ensure accuracy because of the complicated nature of not living together etc. I argue it won't make a difference this year but alas it is not a fight I choose to pick ...yet. So I inform him several times over the coming months that he needs to set the appointment for the taxes to be done... And yet he continues to call and ask me if I had made an appointment yet? He calls to inform me of the appointment earlier this week. OK fine I will be there. Ten minutes...(did you catch that part?)...10 MINUTES before we are to be at the appointed destination he calls and says, "I have talked to several people and that will be way too much money. Can we just let my sister do them for us?"

This is not just a NO! This is a HELL NO! She is one of the most dishonest people I know! She has actually stolen money from us, taken money and items from her mother and sued her mother for her FATHER'S ASHES after he was cremated! So again I say HELL NO!

We agree to go with the original plan and I will complete said taxes online....sigh. Couldn't we have done this 3 months ago?

If we can't agree on Big Red not dating/ sleeping around/committing adultery while we are married I do not know what possessed us to think we could be sitting in the same room together for 3 hours much less doing our taxes. I'll spare you the details but we basically will be breaking even which is great! We don't have to argue about splitting the money etc!

I did have a few very un-Christian-like thoughts about stuffing tax papers and W-2's where they definitely don't belong but.... we did survive the process with very little name calling so I consider it a victory for respect and being a grownup.

Chink...Chink....Chink

I have just returned from the Good Friday service at my Church without my nail. This has come to be one of my favorite services of the year. At first I couldn't understand why it was called Good Friday when it was the day that Jesus died. I couldn't comprehend why anyone would celebrate this day!! Chink...Chink....Chink

Until I became a Christian.

When I realized that every stroke from the whips and torture items was taken for me I started to understand. I say torture because I have seen some very well researched articles on this. I have spoken at length with a Pastor who has his Doctorate and has researched this for years. He actually learned the original languages and studied all the letters and the Bible itself in it's original language. The whips they used were not as I pictured. Yes there were a few that had traditional leather straps but there were others as well. Ones with metal hook like pieces attached...ones with shards of glass attached...ones with rocks and stones attached...some were designed to rip pieces of flesh from His body...and this was just the preliminary acts before the crowds decided to crucify Him. Chink...Chink....Chink

As they drove the nails into his hands in the movie "The Passion of the Christ" I shuttered and cried even harder. I know that He went through all that for me and He would have done it if it were only me but He did it to save the world. Chink...Chink....Chink

When we leave our sanctuary on Good Friday we remember what He did for us by a symbolic act. There are wooden crosses placed throughout the sanctuary by the exits. On the way in we are handed a nail. When we leave everyone goes out completely silently and we file passed the crosses. We are handed the hammer and we each drive our nail into the cross.

Chink...Chink....Chink

Today I listened as about 800 nails were driven in to the cross one by one.

Chink...Chink....Chink

They were driven in for our sins...They were driven in so we could have life...They were driven to pay for my sins...They were driven in so I could have freedom in Christ...

John 3:16-18
16"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,[a] that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.

Chink...Chink...Chink

Take time this weekend to remember what Easter means and get yourself right with your Maker.

Do you know God's Plan?

And don't forget That's My King...

6. One of the worst Easter's ever...

A long long time ago when I was a wee little lass of only 8 I woke up on Easter morning itchy and scratchy but still wanting to hunt for the lovely Easter eggs that led to the cache of candy in the kitchen.

Yes... you guessed it I had the dreaded Chicken Pox!

I was not permitted to attend the sunrise service that morning so I missed the cool breakfast at dawn. I missed lunch at Grandma's (the nice one). I was forced to be slathered in Calamine lotion and yelled at every time it looked like I might be thinking about itching anything! Then my brother was given a job....

Sidenote: My brother was 11 years older than I. And henceforth we will call him Bubba. Bubba was a arrogant, mean-spirited, evil, chauvinistic pig.

That week Bubba was given the job of dotting every little Chicken Pox blister with Calamine lotion. Bubba thought he would be cute and play connect the dots. Of course he said it was because I was moving around and fighting him on having it put on. I subsequently got in trouble for wasting Calamine lotion "because money doesn't grow on trees".

As if it wasn't bad enough that I had to strip in front of my brother, be doused in this white stuff then I got in trouble to boot.

The only good thing was that I had my Spring Break extended by another 1 1/2 weeks.

Ugh! Taxes...

So he seems to think that he can yell jump and I will still ask "How High?"

Big Red called me last night as I was walking into one of my Weds. night classes to discuss amending the taxes for the last 2 years and how we need to do this when we file our taxes this weekend. Can I state this any clearer to him? NOT NOW! It took me several minutes to get him off the phone and I almost hung up on him!

He also asked me why I hadn't set up the appointment to get our taxes done. I explained (again) how I was content to use the computer program (as we have done in the past) and do it ourselves and he is insisting on a professional service THEREFORE it is his responsibility to make the appointment to get this done. I can't tell you how many times we have had this exact same conversation in the last few months.

Do you ever feel like you might be losing it?

The more I discuss things with my Mom the more crazy I feel. She tells me things and then 20 minutes later she tells me the opposite thing. Twenty minutes later when I fulfill the task (the latter) she is upset with me for not doing what she asked me to do?!!?

I am absolutely exhausted. I am sleeping well but my eyes are burning because I'm so tired.

I have been having "lightbulb moments" lately. The more I have learned about Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome (APS) the more I understand about how I feel. I have had many of these "ailments" for a long time. People are quick to blame the tiredness on the divorce but ask anyone....I have been tired for years :o).

Back when I had the "optical migraine" and lost my vision in one eye while that side of my face drooped for a few hours I had all the testing including a MRI to come up with that diagnosis because they couldn't come up with anything else. I have had several of those "migraines" since then but never had them checked out because they said I would just need to "tough it out" and take some aspirin for the pain. I have discovered that people who have APS are likely to have transient ischemic attacks (TIA) . They are basically Mini-Strokes.

When I figure in the constant headaches, joint pain, dizziness, occasional memory loss (blocks of time not statements made) with these other things it is clear that I need to find someone to specializes in this. As soon as I get the insurance thing fixed I will be finding one to see.

All this time Big Red told me it was all in my head...if I'd do more I'd have more energy and not be so tired etc etc etc. But nothing I could ever do would be enough for him. If I did 10 things he wanted 20 etc.

It appears that I'm not lazy or crazy after all...

AHHHH!

I don't know what is wrong with Blogger or my computer but I can't fix the font on my previous post! I haven't been able to change it since the new template was installed and now it has gone haywire!

The Tax Man cometh...

Do you have your taxes done yet?
I have not managed to coordinate schedules with Big Red to file the taxes yet. If all else fails I will file my own without him.

It cracks me up the things people try to lie on their taxes about:

• The number of dependents they may have
• The amount given to charity
• The amount given to the Church in Tithe
• People caught altering their W-2's!!
• Taking deductions for absolutely everything they purchase
  

I believe that there might not be a lie worse than lying about your Tithe to the church.

Does the concept of morality escape that much of the population? What happened to ethics? Doesn't the thought of an audit even scare them?

I am one of those people that has filed an amendment because someone entered an extra zero to a charitable contribution. More out of fear of the being caught for a mistake than anything else.

I have enough relatives (and soon to be ex-relatives) in jail so the thought of joining them is threat enough to keep me honest.

Oh the warmth...

I'm off to go scoot around town and soak in the sunshine...I love my new scooter...I'm just happy it isn't pink.

Maybe I'll post later...

Do you hear my prayers?

So often I cry out to God. I am on my knees before Him pleading my case, giving Him my wish lists and even giving Him suggestions on how to complete the things I need. He doesn't need my help...

He created the Heavens and the earth without me so I know He can handle any problem I am faced with.

We need to be obedient to what He asks of us. We need to listen for His answers during our prayer times as well.

I came across this poem that is based on the Footprints...

Butt Prints In The Sand
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared...
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?
Those prints are large and round and neat,
But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith you would not know...
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life there comes a time
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

Yes I know...Deuteronomy 31:6
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."


But the thought is still funny!

Cool videos

After doing a little surfing around the video section of Google I thought I would post some of the ones I find interesting. And thanks to CoffeeBigPlz for directing me over there. Don't forget to check out her interesting squirt gun while you are there.

• I think this one is the coolest Birth announcements I have ever seen.
  
• Karaoke for the deaf is hilarious!
• I think this is the fastest Easter egg coloring I have ever seen and by a 15 month old no less.

I'm tired...

I'm tired tonight...and I want a cigarette ...ohhhh maybe even a cigar sounds good...I know it's bad for me and I won't do it.

I think anyone caught creating or sending out viruses ... no wait people without anti virus software who continually forward emails to their friends should have this pop up on their screen.

I hope this cow actually dances on the screen like it is supposed to...he he he it reminds me of MC Hammer but in a cow version like MC Beef or something.

And I had to include this handy little note because I thought it was funny. I have been spending way too much time online lately. I know because I found this page.

Does it really exist?

I think that as a culture we tend to idealize marriage in our minds. We are taught from a very young age that our prince will come. That he will come and sweep us off our feet so that we can ride off into the sunset.

I think we are doing young girls a disservice by perpetuating this myth among others.

I was raised to believe that you stay married no matter what happens because that is the way that God designed it. But I believe that if your prince turns out to be a toad that can't keep his tadpoles at home then you seek Godly counsel to find your next step.

Marriage takes work. It is hard but the rewards of a successful marriage far outweigh the pains of growing it. The problem is that it takes two people to work on it. One person can't save a marriage.

I would love to make my marriage work but not if he can't be faithful, not if he can't make that simple effort toward rebuilding the trust that he broke, not if he's not willing to do the work and not if he is going to continue to blame his choice of adultery on my housekeeping skills.
I take responsibility for my part in the failure of my marriage but I will not take responsibility for his choices, for his relationships with other women or his extracurricular activities...or his choice to continue.

I believe we need to educate young people that marriage is hard work. That it is a huge commitment and that no prince charming really exists. Maybe if we stop perpetuating the myth that marriage is like playing house then the divorce rate might go down.

Maybe I shouldn't blog when I'm so frustrated with his lack of effort and his "stories" to other people at how hard he is trying to save the marriage and how he doesn't want the divorce.

Whatever...

I know what I have done and how I have acted throughout this whole marriage and I know eventually the truth will come out as he will not be able to keep up the facade forever.

5. Antiphospholipid syndrome

I have a disease that I have been doing quite a bit of research on lately. It seems that NO doctors in Fort Wayne specialize in this disorder because it is so rare. There are 2 doctors in my area who know how to treat this in a pregnancy situation but really don't understand the implications on my total health. I find this to be a little frightening to say the least.

In the research I have found online most of it is from credible medical institutions (or I don't look at it). This is the general view of what it is:


The antiphospholipid antibody syndrome is an autoimmune phenomenon. The immune system's function is to watch for and defend against foreign substances in the human body (for instance, bacteria or viruses). One component of this defence system is the antibody. An antibody is a protein that can recognize and bind to a foreign substance. Once it has bound to this substance, it can attract other molecules and cells to destroy the offending molecule.
In some disease states, the immune system is not able to differentiate between foreign invading substances and normal components of the body; this is referred to as autoimmunity. There are a number of well known autoimmune disorders, including systemic lupus erythematosus, and studies on other diseases have suggested autoimmune components in a number of other illnesses.

This is why I have never carried a baby to full term. I do not have Lupus at this time. I have never made it past the 13 week because my body attacks the baby. In doing the research on this disease I have discovered that this may be the cause of my headaches, tiredness, low energy level and other things I have experienced my entire adult life.

The closest doctor who specializes in this is either South Bend or Indy so it looks as though I will be educating a doctor in my area about how to treat this successfully or driving a lot.

Write this one down...

I was wrong. I had posted part of the previous post before. I guess I could cough up another interesting fact about me....

Hmmmmmm.......let's see.....

You all know that I am a clown...make-up, red nose, baggy pants etc...

Big Red only kissed me one time while I was in my clown outfit. He couldn't do it because he "felt like he was having an affair"! How odd and ironic that seems now. He couldn't kiss me but he could kiss other women? I know some of those women and trust me they are much scarier in person than I ever was in clown!

The sad thing is that one of them is in our wedding photos...

4. Peppers

• I don't think I have posted this before but I mentioned in the previous post on prayer how good God has been to me and how prayer has been an influence on my life. So here is #4 on my list of random information about me.
  

October 27, 2004
On Thursday night during the recent week of prayer a miracle occurred. Well maybe I should say at least 1 miracle that I know of occurred. Pastor had asked for people to go down to pray for the leadership of the church that was present at this particular service. I went down, as I felt led to pray for these people. While many of us were still standing by the altar someone (I believe it was Pastor) said that the Holy Spirit was leading them to pray for healing. A man I knew was standing next to me when he turned and said, You need healed. Can we pray? Of course I said yes but did not share the specific needs that I had. I had several things that God could have healed me from and it was His choice anyway, so I stepped out in faith. Several people prayed gathered around me in a circle. I felt a warm sensation spread throughout my entire body. It rushed from to the top of my head to the tips of my toes and back again. I began to weep and praise God. I imagine it was quite a sight to see me standing on the altar with my hands thrust Heavenward, tears streaming down my face and my voice crying out to God in praise and worship. I instantly knew God had healed me, I just wasn't sure of what 
The following day I was bursting with excitement. I could not wait to discover what God had done exactly and then tell everyone I saw! I decided to set up an appointment with the Doctor to take a few tests so that I could pinpoint my healing. My sister was graduating from College on this evening. Not wanting to take away from her special day I did not say anything to anyone in my family aside from my husband. After the commencement ceremonies we had all gone to Pizza Hut to celebrate with her.
While at the restaurant I accidentally ate cheese sauce that had Jalapeno peppers in it. I informed Big Red just so that he could be on guard. Nothing happened. I continued through the evening as planned. Now I know this does not sound like any BIG MIRACLE until I tell you that all my life I have had a severe allergy to any type of pepper. Eating a green/red pepper, jalapeno, chili pepper, chili powder, or eggplant would cause me to go into anaphylactic shock. What that means is that my windpipe would swell shut, my lungs would become inflamed to the point that I felt like they were on fire and I would begin to have extreme difficulty breathing. Often these reactions would cause me to break blood vessels on my face and chest as I struggled for breath. Without the inhaler (that I carried with me) and taking 6x the recommended dosage of Benedryl immediately I could die. On this evening I knew God had chosen to heal me of this life-threatening allergy!
As I began to tell people of this miracle I was cautioned to test my allergy in a controlled environment, don't be disappointed if God didn't heal me and keep praying for wisdom to know when to test this allergy. The look on the faces as I told people that it was unintentionally already tested was priceless!

• No one will ever be able to tell me that prayer doesn't work! This was almost 2 years ago and I have not had one reaction in this time even as I have continued to eat Peppers etc.

New York Times article on Prayer

This morning in Church the pastor referenced this article in the New York Times from March 31st. The headline grabbed attention by proclaiming "...Medical study Questions the Power of Prayer."

There are inherent flaws in the study such as:

• "The problem with studying religion scientifically is that you do violence to the phenomenon by reducing it to basic elements that can be quantified, and that makes for bad science and bad religion," said Dr. Richard Sloan, a professor of behavioral medicine at Columbia.
  

• Dean Marek, a chaplain at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn., and a co-author of the report, said the study said nothing about the power of personal prayer or about prayers for family members and friends.
  

• But they said that being aware of the strangers' prayers also may have caused some of the patients a kind of performance anxiety."It may have made them uncertain, wondering am I so sick they had to call in their prayer team?" Dr. Bethea said.
  

• But experts said the study could not overcome perhaps the largest obstacle to prayer study: the unknown amount of prayer each person received from friends, families, and congregations around the world who pray daily for the sick and dying.

It continues to amaze me that the scientific community tries to "put God in a test tube" (My Pastor). By it's nature Faith is believing the unseen.

Philippians 3:9
9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

A few more to chew on in this debate:
Rom. 3:22, 25; Gal. 2:16;Phil. 3:9; John 3:16-36; Acts 10:43; 16:31

We are called to pray because prayer changes things:

Job 8:5-7
5 But if you will look to God and plead with the Almighty, 6 if you are pure and upright, even now he will rouse himself on your behalf and restore you to your rightful place. 7 Your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be.

Prayer has changed many things in my life and I have seen it change things in people around me. Maybe someday I will post on some of the miracles I have seen God perform in my life.

Only my Mom

We have not had a time change in Indiana (where I live) in over 30 years. Everyone has been bombarded in the media by reminders to change the clocks. You can't even listen to the radio without a reminder every 20 minutes or so. My Mom herself had a discussion with me about how many clocks we need to change. She reminded me yesterday that Church would be starting 1 hour earlier than we were used to because of the time change.

Beau is picking her up by 10 am. At 9:15 am I look in her room to see that she has not set her clock forward and I wake her up. Her response, "Oh crap. I forgot."

WHY?

For the first time in my life I will now be living in a location that forces me to change the time twice a year. I have heard all the information on better for business, more daylight etc etc etc. At this point I'm mad that I have TOO many clocks in the house.

Maybe in the fall I will have a different perspective...

Interesting fact

I'm Over It: Next Wednesday trivia!

While surfing around I found this interesting fact.

Next Weds. 2 minutes and 3 seconds past 1 am the time and date will be:

Are you ready for this...


01:02:03 04/05/06

3. Snow shovels

This isn't me but it goes with my story. During the Blizzard of 1978 (man that makes me sound old!) we as a family were snowed into our home for several days. Considering that we didn't get along on normal days (aside from forced confinement) this was a humorous few days in hind site.

After the first three days we had our fill of Monopoly games, 52 card pick-up, Checkers and with 5 channels available on TV...well you get the picture.

My sister and I were sent outside to shovel the sidewalks and driveway. I was young so I wasn't much help but I was out of my parent's hair for awhile burning off energy in the snowbanks. I remember making a snow angel and getting stuck in the snow and not being able to get up. My sister laughed at me (this will become important). We had a small dachshund dog who got stuck in a snowbank as well and I had been nice enough to help her out.

Low and behold my Mom allegedly sticks her head out the door and tells my sister to have me come in because it is cold outside and they didn't want me to get sick. I didn't hear this. I had just managed to get myself out of the snowbank and I was ticked!

So I am MAD and now I have to go inside! WHAT!?

My sister is starting to panic because she doesn't want to be in trouble for not sending me inside. There is a small scuffle and I lose because I am several years younger. Can you see it coming?

I back away, pick up the shovel and....SMACK!

Blood begins to poor out of my sisters nose as I had just (more than likely) broken her nose with the shovel! Of course now I am more than willing to scoot my little behind inside the house.

I burst into tears because I KNOW I am in trouble for sure. I run for the house, get my snow clothes off and crawl into my bed to pretend I am taking a nap.

I remember getting spanked and losing TV viewing for awhile.

Amazingly enough my Dad dug out and made it across town before anyone else at his plant the very next day. It took him 2 hours to make the 1/2 hour drive but he no longer had to deal with us during the Blizzard of 78.

2. My Left Hand

When I was 7 years old I was a little self centered. My Mom and Dad had decided to drive into Fort Wayne to run a few errands without any of us children tagging along. I was upset by this because my brother (11 years older) had just rediscovered the Rubber Band guns and we knew we would be tortured when they left.

**We had these wooden pieces shaped like guns with clothes pins attached at the top. To use it one would put the end of a rubberband around the "Barrel" of the gun and draw it back to hook into the clothes pins. Hold the gun, release the clothes pin and SNAP! instant welt on any defenseless child standing nearby.**

Mom and Dad had given the 3 of us the lecture about "being good and there will be hell to pay when we get home if you don't" speech. I was being distracted in the living room when I heard the truck start out back. My Dad had one of those huge old Pick-up trucks. I went flying through the kitchen on to the entry way with my sister in hot pursuit trying to stop me. Then it happened.

We had one of those old screen doors that SLOOOOOOWLY creaked shut with a sudden BANG when it closed the last 6 inches or so. Well my fingers happened to be in the hinge area when BANG! it closed. My sister ran through the house to stop my parents before they pulled out of the driveway. Words were exchanged and included but are not limited to:

"No she REALLY is hurt!"....."If this is another stunt..."......"I don't know but there is blood!"..."If this is a game (insert hell to pay speech again)"

Meanwhile I pull my hand back to see that I am squirting blood out of the spot that my finger WAS located before. The top fingerprint part of my index finger was also gone. A sliver here and an entire knuckles worth on the next finger!

Parents come back...find finger on the outside of the door...pack in ice my hand and (now) extra finger...off to the ER we go...but first I hear this: "I don't want blood in the truck let's take your car"..."The truck is blocking my car in let's just go!"....several more exchanges and we end up taking the car. Not just any car but a 70's model Ford valiant..Forest Green no less.

On the way to the hospital was one of the few times in my life that I ever saw my Dad cry.

We didn't have to wait long to be seen as time was of the utmost importance now. So they take me back with my Mom to check things out, see if it can be reattached etc. A one point they tell me they are going to "take a picture of my hand" on this blue sponge. I asked them why. The nurse replied that they needed to see if it was broken. Given the fact that I have always been a smart-aleck you can imagine my response to this. I looked at the nurse and she said it again, I looked to my Mom, back at the Nurse and finally back to my Mom and said, "If she can't tell that by looking at it I want somebody else!" In my mind it was obvious as it was missing from the top knuckle up and the bone WAS STICKING OUT!

They reattached my finger and fixed the other finger as best as they could taped them down and sent us home. This is where it takes another turn.

Think of the picture above and visualize this: They taped my pinky finger, ring finger, index finger and thumb down so they would not irritate my middle finger. I didn't know what this symbol meant but when we went to the town fair that evening all the teens and others kept doing it back to me.

Today you would not know unless I tell you. I finally around the age of 25 or so got a real fingerprint back on my index finger and the middle finger has a scar but it is where the knuckle lines are anyway. Most of the time I have feeling in the end of my finger but the nail doesn't always grow with the rest of my fingernails.

So know you know another random fact about me...

1. Peas

This is the first of several posts I will be combining from my other blog about useless information about me.

I don't like peas~ I never have. Never will.

There is a story in our family folklore about when I was very young and peas. I was always given 4 or 5 peas on my plate to eat even though I didn't like them. Even though I do not remember this specific incident...

Being the youngest I sometimes felt lost in the shuffle of the family. This was evident on the evening when my parents believed I had eaten my sampling of peas without complaint. Of course this had NEVER happened before.

Well actually it didn't happen this time either.

Shortly after dinner I was in trouble for picking my nose ( I said I was young!). The usual threats, swats and punishments were not working on this evening. I continued to dig! In a ball of tears and another spanking on the way I finally yelled,

"PEA IN MY NOSE! PEA IN MY NOSE!"

After a quick look it was decided that indeed I had stuck several peas up my nose and they were now bothering me!

It was always helpful to have a next door neighbor who happened to be a nurse. This probably saved us thousands of dollars growing up in a family of 3 children with the oldest being a brother who beat the snot out of us on a regular basis...but that is a different post.

Off to the neighbor's house we went so that my Mom could hold me down while Nurse Neighbor extracted the peas from my nose.

I still don't like peas and will not eat anything with peas in it.

Ok I'm done for now...

A friend sent this to me today and I love it. I'm done messing with the template for now. The only thing I might still do is combine the two blogs into one.

Whew I'm exhausted...that is tougher than it looks.