Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Easy Button

Sometimes I wish life had an easy button. I know you have all seen the commercial where someone presses the easy button and life gets so much simpler.

I called Big Red tonight and told him that I had met with an attorney and the plan that we came up with was X, Y and Z (I don't think you all care that much about the details). At first he was upset then after I explained the what, why and possible when(s) he seemed to understand at little better. He is a processor when it comes understanding information. He asked if he could call me in a few days after he had the opportunity to ponder upon this new information. I told him that was ok. It doesn't really change anything from my perspective but at least he feels like he has a little control for now.

Where is that easy button?

sigh...oh how I want one...

Today is one of those days when I would do almost anything for just 1 cigarette or cigar. I won't! I quit almost 3 years ago but during really stressful times I still have the urge. In the past I have tried the "Oh I'll just have one..." and ended up smoking again. It's not worth it to me.

I do feel better just writing about it though...

Monday, January 30, 2006


Does this apply to "tags" as well?

PMS rears it's ugly head

I don't have a lot of positive things to say today. Not that anything is wrong aside from the basics of going through a divorce, normal struggles of not having a normal coworker with me and PMS! After dinner I will take a run at the treadmill, shower and curl up in bed after my devotions. I think the picture says it all!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

God has taught me...

In listening to the sermons at church over the last several weeks I have learned a few very important things that I believe God has brought to my attention.
  • God prepares us for future trials and events by the things we endure now
  • When we remember His promises and don't concentrate on our performance in the situation we will be better suited for His work
  • Reflect on His faithfulness but do not dwell in the past
The first point scares me to be quite honest. If I look back at the things I have "survived" or the "issues" I have conquered I shutter to think what battles still lay ahead of me! Here is the key though...Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." I always forget that part. I alone can do nothing. Christ is the one who provides the power and abilities for me to accomplish His work. Anything I do on my own makes God an advisor in my life not the ruler.

When I focus my thoughts on His promises as stated in His Word I have all the answers I need (need not want). I could focus on the times I messed up or blew it big time in a moment of weakness but once I ask for forgiveness and repent God forgets my sins. The key is to turn from the sin and make a change. When I can focus on Him and the promises in His word, He can prepare me for His work. Even in this difficult situation where I am going through this divorce I know that He is preparing me for something else.

I could make a list of things God has done for me (and someday I might for you) but He wants me to focus on the promises He has made to me. How am I going to use the gifts He has given me? God wants me to be proactive and look to the future.

I know that people around me are watching me to see how I handle Big Red and the divorce. Christians and Non-Christians watch me to see if I really am living for God. Am I handling things in a way that would be pleasing to Him? Or is He sighing every time I do something in His name because of the way I represent Him to others? I know because I have had several people tell me how well I'm doing...They don't know how I have made it this long without killing him...Why haven't I divorced Big Red sooner than this....And I tell them. I tell them I'm honoring my word to serve God with all of my life, I'm waiting for God to release me and God can do miracles if we give Him the chance.

Well God has released me from my marriage, I have seen the lawyer and God has done a miracle. He has protected me from further heartache and He is watching over me every step I take. Judging from the other people in my DivorceCare class I believe God has worked a miracle in how well I am dealing with this...He has helped me work through the process because of the other traumas I have dealt with in my life.

He was faithful before and He will be faithful again.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

If only I had thought of this first

I can't believe this guy has traded one red paperclip all the way up to a box truck!

Maybe I could trade Big Red up to ?????

Can you get tagged by a complete stranger?

Somehow it just doesn't seem fair to get tagged by a complete stranger. Do I REALLY have an obligation to do it? Well it looks different than the other ones I've seen...

Seven things to do before I die:
1. Move out of my Mom's house
2. Get back on my feet financially
3. Go on a missions trip (November of 2006?)
4. Go back to college for another degree
5. Clean and organize a house that I LIVE IN with my stuff
6. Travel outside the United States for pleasure
7. Did I mention moving out of my Mom's house?

Seven things I cannot do (I'm changing it a bit to include won't do also):
1. Go back to the "old" version of one4jc who was not confident
2. Remodel a house to meet Big Red's satisfaction
3. Turn my back on God
4. Read minds
5. Grow a garden
6. Lay carpet
7. Fly a plane

Seven things that attract me to blogging:
1. Being able to vent about Big Red
2. "Meeting" people who are different than me yet all alike
3. Having a reason not to watch another "Medium" or "Desperate Housewives" episode without "offending" my Mom
4. Journaling where I've been and how far I've come :o)
5. Having something I can say I created
6. Having control over something in my life
7. A reason to be on the computer in my own room

Seven things I say most often:
1. God Bless You
2. Yes I really am a clown
3. I DO NOT like it when you hit my friends! (I work in a daycare with 2 year olds)
4. Do you have to go potty/poopy? (again the daycare)
5. I need to go pray
6. Are you kidding?
7. You will never guess what Big Red did this time

Seven books that I love:
1. The Life Application NLT study Bible
2. Where the Wild things are
3. Boundaries
4. The Chronicles of Narnia (I'm just starting it)
5. Extraordinary Faith
6. The Healing Path
7. How can I really narrow this down to seven when I own 100's of books?

Seven movies that I can watch over and over again:
1. The Princess Bride
2. The Shawshank Redemption
3. Fried Green Tomatoes
4. Any Superman Movie
5. Apollo 13
6. Finding Nemo
7. A Christmas Story (The Red Rider BB gun~You'll shoot your eye out!~classic)

Seven people I want to join the fun:
1. You must be joking seven people who would not retaliate against me...
2. Ok What about It-chick and
3. Laura...gee I'm afraid to name any more than that
4. Maybe that is why I was tagged
5. As a complete stranger
6. By Helen
7. Whew I made it to 7!

Things you should never do...

I don't really want to try and clean my room today

I have come to the conclusion that some people on the internet just have too much time available to them. I think some of the pictures I find are either hilarious or down right disgusting. I know they are altered for shock value but it makes me wonder who comes up with this stuff?

I think this is one irate cat!

Among the unusual items for sale these days:
A Potato with a cross inside... How much would you pay for something that will eventually mold and be thrown away?

How much are you willing to pay for a deck of cards? $500?

A dirty piece of cornpops? At least it comes with music in the ad...

How about a half used box of Kleenex? The lady is finished crying about her husband's affair!

Remember my friend Wilson the ball? Well I went back to check on his status and found out the real message is about witnessing to other about Christ! Check out the update here.

Ok I suppose it is time to get started on my room now...

Friday, January 27, 2006


Well the ball is rolling now

I dropped off the "deposit" and signed the contract to employ my attorney for a "dissolution of marriage". I will be contacted next week to come and sign the paperwork to actually file the divorce. Big Red will then be "served" within a few days after it clears the court. Realistically it looks like he will get the papers the week before Valentine's day. UGH Not how I would have planned it.

I know that I have been released by God in the marriage. I am at peace with God in how I have handled myself throughout the last 9 months. I haven't been perfect but I acknowledge my mistakes and move on with a clean slate. I really do feel like Jesus is carrying me through this whole process. When I get anxious or nervous I talk to Him and the peace comes back again.

When I look back to the person I was last May when I was "enlightened" with the information of the affair/adultery I am amazed. I have become more confident and secure in myself. Through my DivorceCare class I have discovered that this isn't the normal thing that happens. This tells me that all the hours spent praying and pouring myself out to God have helped me more than I even realize. On the day I moved all of my things out in December I was scared. My future is still uncertain and a little scary looking but I know that with Him in charge everything will be fine.

The day Big Red called and said he was calling the police because I had taken my things from the house I was nervous but I didn't bow to his threats or let him know that it had even bothered me. I had people around me that day to encourage me. Wow how grateful I am for them!

I am glad the initial step is out of the way.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

More of my favorite cartoons

I honestly think sometimes when I talk to Big Red this is what he hears.

This is another one of my favorites.

I love these!

The Scales of Justice

The Scales of Justice are starting to teeter a bit. I had my appointment with the lawyer today. She will take my case and as soon as I get her the money and sign the contract the "dissolution of marriage" will be filed in court. He will then receive the paperwork within a few days. I really like her. She seems fair and will help me not be unfairly taken advantage of by Big Red or his lawyer. We discussed EVERYTHING so there shouldn't be any surprises on my end. Let's just pray that he will cooperate and make this as less painful as possible. I can pray for it ....

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

See no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil

This picture also reminds me of "playing dumb". I feel like that is what I did today regarding my co-worker that was "released" from her job yesterday. I am in the unique position of knowing the information, knowing the possible changes that could occur and not being able to say anything because that could be construed as "gossip". UGH! I went into a supervisor's office to ask how she would like me to respond when asked where she is at. I was involved in a 20 minute conversation and still don't know how to respond. Apparently there is a SMALL chance she might get her job back so I was asked not to tell anyone she was fired or that she is no longer working here. IF she comes back it could be called a "suspension" or something else. People know we are friends and will be continuing to ask me...

Less than 24 hours until the lawyer appointment to get the ball rolling.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Princess Bride

I have been thinking about this movie a lot lately. It happens to be one of my favorites and I can quote the entire movie almost verbatim (yes I will spare you that delight). I like this movie for several reasons.

The characters are all unique, quirky and memorable to say the least. For starters you have the evil Prince Humperdink who is actually a coward. The wonderful Miracle Max and his wife...'nuff said. The Spaniard who wanted to avenge his father's death and protect his family honor and the Giant. Of course the "inconceivable" genius who was a moron when it came down to it.

Of course all the things such as ROUS's, the "pit of despair", the brute squad, screeching eels, the cliffs of insanity and the fire swamp are all hard to forget also. But ultimately it is the relationship between Buttercup and Wesley that draws me back each time.

Buttercup and Wesley's relationship reminds me of God. No not the silly stuff but the "true love" and the chase. Wesley never gave up on finding Buttercup even when Buttercup had moved on and left Wesley behind so to speak. You see there have been times in my life when I have turned my back on God. GASP! But God never turned away from me. Even when I ran as fast as I could God still kept an eye on me, a watchful eye. He slowly drew me back to Him. When I STILL didn't listen He then let me be dropped me to rock bottom. Then I had nowhere to turn except to Him. Wesley didn't give up on Buttercup even when he was "mostly dead". Wesley was brought back to life by Miracle Max to "save" Buttercup. Jesus has risen from the dead to save me. Even if it where only me He still would have done it. That is a heavy thought...

I'm sure I have offended someone by this post but I do not mean it to be disrespectful in any way.

I think I have been contemplating this because I see Big Red running from God. I hope he comes back to God.

Man! In the middle of this post I received a phone call that informed me that one of my friends lost her job tonight. She is one of my co-teachers and I have been witnessing to her for the last year or so. I have not gotten her to the point of a commitment but oh so close...

Monday, January 23, 2006

A Happy Dance

I am doing a happy dance for one reason only. I have an appointment with my lawyer on Thursday. I am so ready to get on with the healing process. Big Red has said that he can't look into refinancing the house in his name until he knows exactly which bills he is going to be legally responsible for. Time for the lawyer without a doubt! I am not going to get stuck with more than my share of the bills just because he wants to refinance the house and put it into his name. I may take on more bills but it will only be on a lawyers advice.

Let's keep this process moving!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

My Dog Angus

Ok so the pictures aren't really of my dog Angus but they have an eerie likeness to him. I was informed today that on Thursday night our beloved black lab Angus darted into traffic on his way after another dog and was hit by a car. Big Red saw the whole thing and was powerless to stop it because it all happened so fast. Angus did not suffer and basically died instantly. I was not aware how much I cared for the dog until this happened. I am more of a "cat person". But shortly after we were married we inherited Angus from Big Red's sister. She had been neglecting him and he was bald from mange when he came to us. The mange had never been treated when he was a pup but was not contagious. We spend lots of time, money and love regrowing his hair. From time to time he would start going bald again and we would nurse him back to health. I didn't want the dog but he started to grow on me. He became fiercely protective of me when a stranger entered our home. In fact I had to physically touch people as they entered the house so that he would stop barking and growling. Instantly he would put a paw up and nuzzle into them for the petting he believed he deserved for protecting me.
Now with all that being said...
I did let Big Red know I was quite upset that he had not called and given me a chance to say goodbye. He took him to the Humane Society so he could be "disposed of". He said he was trying to protect me because of how Angus looked. I told him I didn't care because Big Red knows how I am so passionate about animals. Angus was a part of the family. He was more than just a dog he was... part of us.

Our big "hairless wonderdog", Belchy McFartson... Angus will be missed.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Dreams and Hope

I like the thought behind this quote because of the impossibilities Christopher Reeve faced in final years. He lived longer than most do with a spinal cord injury of that type. He constantly defied the Docs who declared a level of functioning over him by going above and beyond what they expected of him. Even in his condition he managed numerous public appearances to advocate for research and for his foundation.

I have been thinking a lot about my Dad and his role in my life. Perhaps I am getting nostalgic because of my Mom's Boyfriend. Granted my Dad has been gone for almost 7 years now but seeing my Mom dating first hand is a little rough. I see how many phone calls she gets from him, how many dances they attend together and the dinner dates. They are seeing each other at least 3-4 times a week if not more. Yes it gets her out of my hair for a while and she isn't criticizing me as much but I still worry about her. I think between it-chicks blog and mine it is well established that our Mom is...well...off her rocker and out of touch with reality a great deal of the time. I have met this man numerous times but I have to wonder what his intentions are about. I know he knew my parents while my Dad was alive and that my mom didn't like him even as an acquaintance then. When I joked about her getting married to him she showed me an article in the paper about children who purchase the parents homes and the growing trend it is! I haven't joked since then about it.

Maybe I'm nostalgic because of the divorce and the lack of children I have here on earth. I am checking on the different avenues open to me in the form of adoptions and being a single parent. I do know this for sure: when God provides me with children I will do things differently than my parents. I think they did the best they could given there life experiences. There combined families included alcoholic parents, overbearing parents, overbearing siblings, depression, suicide, medical abnormalities to numerous to list and much more in the family histories. They never sought professional help because "you just didn't do that". I think this might be why my Mom is fighting the memory loss testing. I know everyone says they will do things differently but I will. I will never say to my child, "Pull your head out of your a$$." in a fit of anger. I will never say, "The reason we had children is so that they could do the chores and keep the house clean." They meant it not as joke but as a way of life for us. Maybe that is why I took it so personally when I did my best with the house and Big Red still said it wasn't good enough.

I keep going back to Romans 15:13

13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I still have hope and no one can take that away from me. It reminds me of the movie Shawshank Redemption. I have always watched the movie with a language filter so I don't remember all the swearing in some of these quotes but I do remember the conversations between Andy Dufresne and Ellis Boyd "Red" Redding about hope.

Red: Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.
[On Red's harmonica playing.]
Andy Dufresne: Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don't forget. Forget that there are places in the world that aren't made out of stone. That there's a - there's a - there's something inside that's yours, that they can't touch.
Red: [narrating] I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are better left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful it can't expressed in words, and it makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a grey place dares to dream. It was as if some beautiful bird had flapped into our drab little cage and made these walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free.
Red: [reading a note left by Andy] Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.
Andy: Get busy living, or get busy dying. (speaking as to what attitude one has in prison)
Red: [narrating] I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

These where not all one conversation but the progression throughout the movie as slowly Red begins to understand that hope is a good thing.

Christopher Reeve had hope too.

I have hope and no circumstance , situation or person will ever take that away from me. My hope comes from God alone and not things of this earth. Do you have hope? Where is your trust placed?

To quote Andy, "Get busy living, or get busy dying."

Friday, January 20, 2006

Random Thoughts

I started the new class at my church called Divorce Care on Wednesday night. I like the atmosphere and closeness of the class. We are not very far into the lessons yet but I think I will be learning a lot from this class, growing and healing through out the process.

Work issues.....AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! There I feel better.

I am giving Big Red until Weds. the 25th to decide if he "wants" the house. I have the Lawyer appt. on Thursday and will be able to form a better plan with the lawyer if I know this information.

I REALLY like making the blankets. I almost have enough made to start marketing and selling them. I still plan on using the money earned towards my missions trip.

I really feel like I am supposed to be going to Jamaica in November instead of Bulgaria in the spring. It is working with children in an orphanage instead of adults in a Bible college.

More Than a Conqueror
Click to visit the originating site

In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.
John 16:33

Jesus said, In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer. How outrageous! Be of good cheer when you have problems in your life? That doesn't make sense if you stop reading there. But if you believe the next statement, "I have overcome the world", it all makes sense. Jesus has the authority to declare that profound encouragement because He lived and died and rose again to make it true.

Dear friend, just as Jesus conquered death and has all power in heaven and earth in His hands, He will use His power to give you authority to triumph over any problem you are facing. Girl, you are not just a survivor; you are more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ!
Thelma Wells
Girl, Have I Got Good News for You
Courtesy of the Women of Faith Website

Check out the ebay sale for "Wilson" needs a home---Too funny!!!

And if you are feeling lucky try this auction.

sigh....Why can't I make this space go away!

How to know if you are speeding.

I don't know why this space now exists on my page... I could sing a song for you here or create some great poetry...nah.

Since I can't get rid of it I will post a picture in it!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I am thankful...

I am thankful for medications. I know that it is supposed to be stressful going through a divorce. I seem to do ok at work but I come home and have NO PATIENCE. Maybe it is because I live with the Mom. I need to get this whole process moving again so that I can get my own place. I have lived here for 6 months and I am already counting down to the 4 months of when she moves to the lake for the summer.

I am thankful for high speed DSL and the Dish. These luxuries enable me to "hide" in my room, watch TV and work on the computer without keeping the phone busy for hours.

I am thankful for cell phones. I really have only given out my cell phone number to people to contact me. I am not scrutinized as to who is calling and why. A few people have called the "landline" and oh... the questions that followed from Mom about the names on caller ID. I am also thankful for the detailed reports they send in the bills. It helped me know when Big Red was stepping out of line while claiming to be "working on us".

I am thankful that I have a job so I can leave the house for 40+ hours a week and make friends to have adult conversations. I love that a two year old will tell you how much he likes your hair even if it looks the same day after day.

I am thankful for my church community and my friends. They have come around me and helped to walk me through this even when I have felt I couldn't take another step.

I am thankful that I have been able to somewhat retain my sense of humor...

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind.
And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can
outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction.

Oh the things I do to amuse myself...

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I am afraid of...

I'm afraid that I will end up like this...

Please someone let me know before this happens to me.

The final results of this poll...

Where would you go?
Your dream Vacation is...
On an island basking in the sun 42.9% 3

A hotel with unlimited room service and the hot tub nearby 42.9% 3

Just away from any and all responsibilities 14.3% 1

Anywhere but here! 0% 0

Some place with friends and family 0% 0

Doing something outdoors:skiing, snowboarding, camping, hiking etc 0% 0

Shopping! 0% 0

total votes: 7

Peaceful again...

I am extremely peaceful again. I start my new class called Divorce Care tonight at the church. I am peaceful yet a little anxious because I don't know who else will be in the class and I'm ready to get the entire divorce behind me. I know I will "deal" with this for the rest of my life but I'm ready to move on and start the healing process. I know that Big Red said he is not taking the class but if he shows up I have a plan B in mind for a different class to attend. One week from tomorrow is the lawyer appointment. LOL It is an unofficial countdown!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Not that I really would....

I came across this and actually laughed out loud. I made another appointment with my lawyer for next Thursday. Hopefully we will both stay well so the appointment can happen. Big Red will be told of the appointment after I file when I have a better idea when he will be served with the papers. We made an agreement long ago that the other would be notified before they received the papers. I will tell him but I don't know how long before he will receive them he will know.

I am tired of waiting on him to "decide" if he wants the house. Basically while he has a girlfriend and "enjoys" his life, he is living for half the cost while I am relegated to living with my Mom because I can't afford to go anywhere else. I could afford to go somewhere else if I wasn't legally responsible for half the house and bills.

Next Thursday things will be rolling forward again...

Monday, January 16, 2006

All I want is a backrub...

How odd it is that the only thing I want is a backrub. I would give almost anything for a nice backrub. I think it would relieve the stress I am carrying in my shoulders. But I think it is also that I miss being touched. I never realized how much I had grown accustomed to being touched all the time. I used to jump any time someone startled me ar touched me. Now I miss it. I know this may sound odd or sexual in some way but it really isn't. I have simply discovered that I miss being hugged...

Sunday, January 15, 2006

My Superman

It is kind of funny how I was missing my Dad lately and I check out the sister's blog to find her ode to Dad today as well. I won't rehash all the details of his passing but a few things have stuck out in my mind recently.
  • If Dad were here he would be helping us deal with all these memory problems
  • We honored my Dad by exhausting all medical possibilities and asking God for His will to be done.
  • My Dad would be kicking Big Red's butt right now! He was by no means the perfect Dad but one thing we always knew was "nobody messes with my girls".
I collect Superman because of him. He did fight so hard to stay here with us. I wear superman clothes to remember him and honor his memory. I started collecting things so that someday I could tell my children about this great man I knew and be able to share a little piece of him with them. But today I can be assured that he is in Heaven right now playing with his grandkids who beat me there.

I miss my Dad today as well...

Saturday, January 14, 2006

It-Chick rocks!

For those of you local if you missed it ....You MISSED it. It-chick was live and in person singing and dancing around. After a small microphone problem was corrected it was a great evening.

Not much else to say tonight.

I am tired.

Goodnight and God Bless you.

I couldn't resist...

I found this site. This video is really cute and clean.

Please be aware if you navigate through any other videos that I will not vouch for the content of them. My computer wouldn't allow access to some of them so....not exactly clean family friendly content I guess.

As you can tell I'm trying to kill time until a friend arrives today.

A few more quizzes...do they have 12 step program for this?

Your Observation Skills Get An A+

You have perfect observation skills...
Or perfect skils for Googling quiz answers!

You Are A Jealous Ex

You're not quite over your past, and you are hurt that your ex is moving on
You're no longer in love, but you're not done with being pissed
Jealous of any happiness that comes your ex's way, you still can't let go

Whew! What a relief!

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

he he he

The funny thing is this...I was way overcooked so I was born really late...like 3 weeks! So when I put in the info the one with my actual DUE DATE is the one that fits my personality. The one with my actual birthday was WAY off!

Your Life Path Number is 7

Your purpose in life is to find truth and meaning

You are very spiritual, and you are interested in the mysteries of life.
You are quite analytical and a great thinker. You have many theories and insights.
A life of solitude is perfect for you. You need time to think and do things your way.

In love, you are quite charming. You attract many with your confidence and wit.

While you enjoy being alone, sometimes you take it to an extreme.
You can become too isolated, shutting out loved ones and friends.
Express yourself a little bit more, and you'll be surprised where it takes you!

Friday, January 13, 2006

Hear my prayer

Photo courtesy of John Bell link

We become Christians when we accept Christ as our Savior. We are "Baby Christians". We become more mature in Christ when we stop asking what God will do for us when we present Him with a list of wants and desires. We are more mature in our faith when we start getting about how we can further the Kingdom of God by our actions...what can we do for God not what He does for us.

Hear my prayers God and use me for Your will not my own. Please help me be a representative for You.

To quote the late Rich Mullins, "Faith without works is about as useful as a screendoor in a submarine."

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Why I'd like to.....

I spoke with a old friend today. A little background on this friend first. She is one of the friends I had to distance myself from when I became a Christian. I have only spoken to her a handful of times in the last three years because we used to participate in very "unchristian-like" conduct together. She understands that I have changed my life and she has actually changed her "wild ways" but is not a Christian yet. Anyway...

We happened to be online at the same time...phone call...information came....

She informed me of a phone call she had with Big Red out of the blue a week or so ago. Among other things he shared his version of why it is my fault he had an affair. He denied being in a relationship with 20+ years friend. Although old friend was on the cell phone with Big Red when he answered another phone and she heard him call her by name, tell her his schedule, when he would be home and call her sweetie! But did offer this information to her: he has a line on a roommate to help him with the costs if he keeps the house. Guess who? You guessed it 20+ years friend and her 3 children because she is in the middle of her divorce! It doesn't REALLY matter because we are going to get a divorce but...
  • We are STILL married.
  • Married people should not be dating other people or other married people.
  • He is witnessing to people and claiming to be living for God yet living this way
  • He didn't want children with me but will take in 3 children with her
  • He is telling my friends I'm making a mistake because he is being faithful now and I'm throwing the marriage away

This old friend has nothing to gain by telling me this and I do believe she wouldn't lie to me. We have both changed a great deal...even so I'll never go back to that old lifestyle. I'll not be giving up on my relationship with God. I will be continuing to try my best to live my life and make the decisions I need to make with the advice of Godly counsel and the wisdom that God gives me.

Wow I feel better now that I got all that off my chest. I guess Big Red is lucky I'm living for God...it probably saved his life :o)

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

This is how I want it to be

I want Jesus this close to me. I know that sounds odd but keep reading...

I want Jesus right there next to me for comfort, of course, as I walk through life's challenges. I want to feel His loving arms around me, support me when I can't go on and encourage me when I am timid.

I want Jesus right there next to me to help me stay on track. I want to know that every move I make is guided by Him. I want to be accountable to Him at that moment when I mess up.

I guess I'm feeling exceptionally close to Him because I start my new class at church tomorrow night. The class is called "Divorce care". It is a class that helps to start the healing process. It is not a class we take together or that works on putting us back together. I love that my church recognizes we are fallible people. That we make mistakes and sometimes God says enough is enough. That there are reasons that Divorce is acceptable... not encouraged but acceptable nonetheless. I am looking forward to healing and getting on with my life soon.

On that front...

Big Red is checking to see if he wants to/can afford to purchase the house on his own. That would make it a lot easier. Then he would just have to "buy me out" of my portion...so much easier than fixing and selling it. Less time too I believe.

Once he makes that decision we will be filing...I gave him another week to decide. Then it is anyone's best guess what will happen.

Let's just get this over with...

Anyone local want a free cat?

No this is not my cat..... But a very dear friend of mine after having her second child has decided to be feline free. His name is Gus, he likes kids and is strictly an indoor cat I believe. He is already fixed and I will only release him to a GOOD home...Leave a comment if you or someone you know is interested!

Monday, January 09, 2006

What kind of Girl are you?

Sorry couldn't resist borrowing this from Laura's blog.

Sunday, January 08, 2006


Ok so I don't like spinach BUT I am strong to the finish. As the pre-divorce "stuff" chugs right along I am finding myself getting stronger and stronger. I am standing firm in what I believe and what I know is right. I know that it is ultimately God who is helping me find this new found sense of courage. To look at who I was 7+ years ago I was completely different from who I became during our marriage. My self confidence was shot, my spirit was broken and I was a lump of nothingness so to speak. I am finding myself regaining that sense of self worth, courage and inner strength that I once had.

Walking through the pain, betrayal and hurt that goes along with ADULTERY has actually made me much stronger. It has taught me that I need God. Since I became a Christian I have always known that but at times I need reminded. God lifts me up and carries me through difficult times. I am reminded of these verses:

Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)
31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 41:10 (The Message)
10Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

People have even begun to comment on how different I am behaving. They see the "old" me or they are seeing a side of me they were unaware existed. The only people who do not like the person I am becoming again are the people whom I have allowed to bully me for that season of my life. That door is now closing. When all is final I will lock the door and never be that person again.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Happy Birthday!

Well Happy Birthday to me.....

I'm not so excited by this one because of all the "drama" in my life right now. Big Red has always tried to make my Birthday special because it is so close to Christmas. He did not even call.
The only cards I received were from my wonderful sister It-chick, the last place I bought a car from and my credit union. Granted my Mom did purchase my ticket to a really cool seminar in November that we all attended together and bought my breakfast. Somehow I thought I might get a card from her...

I guess I'm just sad that here I am at 33 in the middle of a divorce and still childless.

I think I will go retrieve the mail, take a hot bath with my new bath salt ball and snuggle up in bed with my new Narnia (the complete works... compliments of It-chick) book and RELAX.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Tagged by IT-Chick...

I have the "privilege" of responding to a tag by It-Chick. So here it goes...

Five snacks I enjoy:
1. Dark Chocolate
2. Regular potato chips with ranch dip
3. Reese Peanut Butter cups
4. Necco Mints

Five songs to which I know all the words:
1. Agnus Dei~ Michael W. Smith
2. Puff the Magic Dragon~ STOP laughing it is not what you think!
3. Rainy Days and Mondays~ The Carpenters ~ OK any and all Carpenters songs
4. Any 1 of thousands of Children's songs I must know for my job.
5. Undiscovered Country~Local artist

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire:
1. Buy my own house and live in it without the Mom
2. Invest/start college funds for the children I WILL HAVE someday
3. Go on the mission trips to Bulgaria AND Jamaica
4. Get out of Debt!
5. Bless a few special people in my life with gifts

Five Bad Habits:
1. Lack of organization
2. Procrastination
3. Letting the Gas light in my car come on before I fill up
4. Spending too much time doing "non-productive" things
5. Oh the sinful things I should list but won't

Five things I like doing:
1. Playing on the computer
2. "Coffeetime" with friends...just talking about nothing
3. Singing in the shower
4. Journaling
5. Reading

Five things I would never buy, wear or get new again:
1. Neon clothes (it was the 80's...Don't ask)
2. Stirrups (again the 80's were a bad time)
3. Spandex
4. Cigarettes or cigars
5. "Big Girl" clothes...you know hide your rolls with big flower prints clothes

Five Favorite toys:
1. Koosh Balls
2. Computer games
3. "Wham-o Magic window"
4. Glow in the dark hand held Hearts game (similar version)
5. Stress balls of any type

And the challenge passes to...Maynard and Sherific.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

The only time she cleans...

The only time the Mom gets on a cleaning kick is when she has screwed up her computer, messed up the satellite dish or she has lost an important item. She is on a frenzy tonight and I'm afraid to ask which one it is this time. Although I hear the TV...

I'm in a little bit of a funk because of the upcoming Birthday. It amazes me that I survived our anniversary, Thankgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve with no tears...ok so a few but not what I had expected. Today at work someone asked me about my plans and invited me to "hang out" and I burst into tears. I have no idea why! I don't WANT to spend the day with Big Red. A little later I regained control but of course my face was BRIGHT RED from crying and someone else suggested that I might be hormonal and I burst into tears again...go figure! After work I stopped by my friend's office (in the same building) and got a quick hug and a few tears trickled out as I told her that I was sad about the upcoming birthday...I left before it turned into a "tissue event".

I'm just thankful that Mom is respecting (at least for the moment) my "blue day" as she calls it. I think I'll go make a blanket and relax.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Drum roll please....

The results are in and we are all leaning a little more toward not making resolutions at all:

New Year's Resolutions
Will you make New Year's resolutions?
Yes and I will follow through on them 40% 2

No I don't believe in them 40% 2

No Because I just won't do them so why waste the time 20% 1

Yes but I won't keep them long 0% 0

total votes: 5
powered by blogpoll

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Bulgaria or Jamaica?

Well now I have a dilemma. I have become aware of a Missions trip to Jamaica in October. My dilemma is that the later date would give me more of a chance to get my life settled, more time to raise the funds needed and the opportunity to be able to use vacation time to help cover my expenses. The other appealing factor is that in Jamaica we would be working at/ helping out at an orphanage versus the College we would be helping at in Bulgaria. My degree is in Early Childhood Education. This might be an opportunity to see what I might be getting myself into while I am still considering international adoptions. Maybe He was waiting for me to give up fighting the trip to Bulgaria so He could send me where He really wants me to go? I know it is in God's hands so I will wait for direction from Him.

In the mean time I have decided to start making and selling those "No Sew" Blankets to help finance whatever trip He is sending me on. It also keeps the Mom out of my hair while I make them and she's happy I'm being productive.

Monday, January 02, 2006

I have a headache...

I think it may have something to do with the Mom but I could be wrong. Well I must be wrong about that because I'm wrong about EVERYTHING! I'm wrong about how many bags I just (within 5 minutes) took out to the trash. I'm wrong about what to feed my cat. I'm wrong about what size I wear in clothes. I am wrong about the School schedules. If she tells me I'm wrong about one more thing I'll scream! So I have decided it is time to go to bed.

But that is probably wrong too.....

Sunday, January 01, 2006

oh Mommy dearest....

I have discovered this link recently. It hands out a few very practical tips on how to deal with a Mom like I have. My question is this:

What do you do when you've tried these things and it STILL doesn't work?

Interestingly enough when I typed "overbearing mother" into my handy dandy search engine most of the references that came back had to do with the TV show "Malcolm in the Middle". If you have ever seen this show you'll understand why this brought me a little chuckle. The Mom in this show seems to exist solely to cause grief, pain, embarrassment and trouble for her children. Deep down inside she has good intentions (I think) but doesn't know how to handle things appropriately or with any tact at all.

I know that God lets us experience life to teach us things. Maybe that doesn't sound right...He allows things to happen for His purposes. I am wondering what lesson I missed that requires me to live here?! Maybe it is something my Mom needs to learn from God? Well whatever it is God I'm listening.

Still listening...

Oh I forgot that whole thing about His timing is not my timing...wait. Oh that word again.


2006..It has to be better

Well the festivities are winding down and I am glad to welcome a new year. Next year has to be better than 2005. In my personal life and the world around me things have declined to a new low. The highlight reel will be a little bleak this year. In the last year I have seen:
  • My marriage fall apart at the seams by Big Red's confession of adultery. Counselors, mentors, Pastors and friends could not help to bring him around and save this marriage.
  • People coming out of nowhere to offer advice on a issue they have no idea how to deal with.
  • My Mother's steady decline in her mental abilities. Even in the 5 months since I moved in I see it all too clear.
  • On the other hand I have never been closer to God than I have been in this year.
  • I have discovered my "true friends" identities. People have come around me and supported me in ways I could never have imagined. I am truly rich with people that care about me.
  • I have lost about 50 pounds (and at least 2 pants sizes) since May. Let me tell you about this wonderfully successful stress diet...just kidding.
  • I have become a much stronger person. I KNOW I will survive and thrive in this whole mess.

I guess I have more to be thankful for than I realized. Yes the negatives are BIG ones but I am making changes. What is that line...

"Should old acquaintances be forgot and never brought to mind"

When I finally put all of this behind me and start to rebuild my life...Watch out..Here I come!