Saturday, December 31, 2005

A new poll

Check out the poll on New Year's Resolutions at the side. I'm curious to see what people think about these...

Friday, December 30, 2005

In only 3 1/2 hours

I finished both blankets in a total time of only 3 1/2 hours! Not too bad considering they each measure 82 inches by 55 inches. They would easily cover a full size bed. But most important is that my Mom is HAPPY! That only happens every once in a Blue Moon and lasts for only a brief second...We are going on 3 hours of happy time and counting!

In other somewhat promising news...

I have located someone who MIGHT be willing to buy the house for what we owe on it IF we leave all the materials to finish it. Well since we have purchased all the materials already this would be a great deal for us! I will be spending a LOT of time praying for this to actually happen!

Another long weekend...

I'm so excited that I have a three day weekend! I have plans with a friend for New Years Eve to watch movies and relax at her house.

Hopefully I can finish the blanket I started for my Mom (clowns) and get my own (Mickey Mouse) done this weekend too. They are those really great fleece blankets that are tied together around the edges. They are oh so warm! I am actually thinking about making them and selling them for a small profit. It would keep me busy and give me a reason to be in my room away from my Mom.

Maybe I'll post more later...

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Who's watching?

I am frustrated with my Mother who seems to be watching my every move I make with a critical eye. At least I didn't get eggplant casserole for dinner. I did get homemade pizza tonight which is a bonus to living here. I'm looking for the positives today!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Refocusing again

Wow. I read over the entry from yesterday and thought to myself, "There is absolutely no hope shining through." I was very hopeful when I started writing that entry because I was feeling empowered by my new discoveries and revelations so to speak. By the end I was down on myself for falling for the Big Red schemes.

Well.....pppbbbbttttttttt to that!

I keep forgetting this is a process and not a checklist. I can't figure a stage out and check it off. Done with that one! As long as I come back to rest in God's word and rest in Him I will be fine.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Who's in charge?

I love this cartoon because this is how many of us go through life. We let other people or their actions dictate how we will live. I have come to discover in the last few months how I was being manipulated by Big Red. Before anyone gets upset please know that I understand the verses in Ephesians. But anyone who has read this for very long should know that I'm not in a healthy marriage. I do believe there is a difference between submitting to your spouse and being controlled and manipulated by him while he commits adultery.

With that said...

Many of us live life simply reacting to others or catering to unhealthy personality types. I believe that God does not want us to be walked on or used for anything other than His glory. I have read the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend several times (I guess I didn't get it the first 2 times!). I started to reread this recently and have gained even more information than before. God wants us to actively live life not coast through following others directions and whims.

Manipulation is NOT ok. Ultimatums are not ok. Threats are not ok. Bowing down and giving in to others is not ok. When you agree to participate in something (any action) you must do a heart check. What are your motives? Are you doing this cheerfully or because you are in fear of the reactions you will get?

The tagline on the book is, "When to say yes. When to say no to take control of your life." I think many of us could benefit from examining why we do things the way we do (isn't that a song?).

I guess I'm having one of those days when I am disappointed in myself for having been "taken for a ride". I don't know if this will even make sense to anyone but me. That is the beauty of an anonymous blog.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Post Christmas shopping

Well I was extremely brave today. I braved the crowds and went to this little discount place that was selling all there items for 59 cents and all the hallmark items for 99 cents. I didn't have high hopes because most times the items here are not very "high quality" to say the least. BUT I was shocked... the items were great, new things I hadn't seen a million times. I did take the Mom with me... Let's just say I know what will be in our stockings next year and I'm actually looking forward to it. Even with as cheap as the items were I still managed to spend about $35!

I did speak with Big Red last night. He called in the middle of the afternoon and I let it go to voicemail. I called him back around 8:30pm last night. His whole purpose in calling was simply to wish me a Merry Christmas and to tell me he missed the family. We briefly discussed how our separate celebrations went and ended it on a pleasant note. That has been happening more and more often. I think he finally realizes how badly he screwed up and what he will be losing because of his selfish motives. I think there is hope to end the marriage and finish the divorce in a civil tone yet.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Let me make sure I get this all down...

Today was one of the best Christmas celebrations I can remember in a long time. It wasn't about the things I received, not that it ever really has been in my adult life. It was more about the laughter we shared. Whether it was my nephew asking my sister if she wanted "whoop" cream on her cheesecake or laughing because the prime rib was finally cooked right and no one demanded that we boil it and smother it in sauce (au ju? I believe it is called). As usual some of the gifts were forgotten until the last moment and handed directly to us. We spoke of stories about misperculated (yes it was the old style) coffee all over the floor because she didn't put the lid back on top and coffee not processing because she forgot to add the water. Bottom line the woman shouldn't be allowed to make coffee at all.

The hands down funniest moment ever at Christmas this year involved of all things my beloved cat. Let me preface this with a few facts. First, in my Mom's eyes this cat is like another grandchild...she can do nothing wrong. I love my cat BUT she is an animal and she does occasionally do things wrong. Second, my Mom had assigned everyone (but herself and me especially) the task of making sure the cat stayed out of the food in the kitchen while we were eating. When my Mom was full she asked the nephew to take her plate to the kitchen and set it on the table for her to "nuke" and finish later. And lastly she is a Siamese cat who weighs all of 4 pounds maybe 5 if she has just eaten. Picture this:

After diligently watching the cat all through the meal my Mom exits with the nephew to get a few surprise presents from her bedroom. My Mom could not have been out of the room 15 seconds when I look up to see the cat (notice at this point that I'm not claiming her) dragging a nice juicy piece of PRIME RIB across the living room! This piece of PRIME RIB is easily half the size of the cat! Remember the beloved dog from the It-chick blog? Well after her surgery this week she has a bald spot with stitches on the top of her head sticking straight up. To quote It-chick, "She looks like a little old man with a bad comb over". Well behind the cat (dragging the piece of PRIME RIB) is the dog trying to get close enough to see what she has. I scoop up the piece of PRIME RIB to discover this isn't just any one. It is the piece off my Mom's plate! I go trash it as my Mom is entering into the hallway (I'm laughing the entire way) and Mr. Toughguy goes to retrieve it to feed to the dog! I hurry back to the living room to scoop up the cat (as she is licking her lips) and plop onto the couch just as Mommy Dearest enters the room. Whew! I narrowly avoided certain disaster. You see the cat may do no wrong BUT when it comes to my Mom and PRIME RIB ...

The kicker to this whole thing is that my Mom never noticed that the rest of her PRIME RIB was gone!

I can't wait to see It-chicks take on the whole day...did I forget anything?

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Merry Christmas

I am not sure when I will post again. It depends on how soon I will need to retreat to my room to hide from the relatives. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and I pray that everyone will take time to remember the reason we celebrate is because it marks the Birth of Christ.

Do you know God's plan? A link on the side will direct you to a page if you have questions. A simple way to know is to ask yourself this question:

If you died tonight, do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you will go to Heaven?

If your answer isn't yes...check out the link. What do you have to lose? A few moments of time?

A few Christmas Games

I thought I would include Slingshot Santa for those anti Santa fans among us or maybe for those of you who do not get what you wanted. When you reach around 310 meters you catch a glimpse of Rudolf. Make sure to release the lever before falling into the valley or pulling it too far!

For those of you who are not feeling so violent I included a Build a Snowman link. You can keep yourself entertained or keep the children busy while you prepare for the big Christmas Feast.

Here are the final results of my completely Unscientific Poll:

The Christmas Debate
Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays? I'll join the debate.

Merry Christmas 50% 6

Either is fine with me 41.7% 5

Neither I don't want to be greeted this time of the year 8.3% 1

Happy Holidays 0% 0

total votes: 12
powered by blogpoll

Friday, December 23, 2005

Santa: Friend or Foe?

I stumbled upon this site "Scared of Santa Gallery". I thought some of the pictures were absolutely hilarious! I particularly like #70 and #71.

Naughty or Nice?

Christmas Naughty or Nice List

I am on the The Nice List

After checking the North Pole database I had :

2,283 nice entries
290 naughty entries
Check your name on the Christmas Naughty or Nice List at

I wonder if there is an appeals process? I mean come on can they show me an account of the 290 naughty entries?


For space I have decided to only include the top ten. I clicked on the top result and received the explanation that follows...

Your Results:

The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do?

1. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (100%)
2. Orthodox Quaker (95%)
3. Eastern Orthodox (84%)
4. Roman Catholic (84%)
5. Seventh Day Adventist (81%)
6. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (75%)
7. Islam (68%)
8. Orthodox Judaism (68%)
9. Sikhism (59%)
10. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (58%)

Belief in Deity
Most Conservative Protestants believe God is incorporeal, omnipresent spirit--a Trinity of the Father (God), the Son (Christ), and the Holy Spirit that comprises one God Almighty.

• Incarnations
Jesus Christ is God's only incarnation. He is the Son of God and God, both fully divine and fully human, part of the Trinity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, which comprises one God Almighty.

• Origin of Universe and Life
The biblical book of Genesis is inerrant. God created the universe and all life forms from nothing in less than 7 days, less than 10,000 years ago--not as revealed by modern science. Many resolve the conflict between scientific evidence and the book of Genesis with the contention that God created the appearance of evolution (perhaps as a test of faith), or that scientific evidence is faulty.

• After Death
Saved souls experience the bliss of heaven and unsaved souls the torture of hell. On Judgment Day, Jesus Christ will resurrect the dead, reunite body and soul, and judge each for eternity in heaven, or on a restored, paradisiacal earth, or in hell.

• Why Evil?
The original sin of Adam and Eve caused all to inherit sinfulness. Some Conservative Protestants believe that only relatively few people will be saved. The work and influence of Satan prevail among the unsaved and/or those who lack complete faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.

• Salvation
Salvation is granted by the grace of God alone, through faith in Jesus Christ alone as Lord and Savior--not through "works" such as moral behavior, good deeds, and generally not through sacraments. Some believe that once saved, or born again, always saved. Many Conservative Protestants regard baptism, when performed, as a practice for adult believers, rather than infants/children, as it is not considered a sacrament for salvation but an act of commitment to the fellowship. Some Protestants regard baptism as a washing away of sin, which may be repeated. Among most, confession/repentance is considered personal, between the individual and God, unless a public sin is involved, and confession to a pastor, when offered, is optional. Pentecostalists believe that speaking in tongues is a gift from God as evidence of having been born again. Preaching the gospel, the Word of God, is often regarded as a means for building faith in Christ.

• Undeserved Suffering
Some suffering is caused by the inheritance of mortality originating from Adam and Eve's disobedience to God, which includes vulnerability to illness and disease. Also, Satan rules the earth, causing pain and suffering. Many believe that suffering is God's design to test, teach, or strengthen belief in Him; the greater the suffering of innocent believers, the greater will be their reward after life.

• Contemporary Issues
Abortion is considered murder. Positions among denominations on divorce vary from unacceptability of divorce and remarriage to acceptance of divorce in certain situations and remarriage.

Women of Faith Princess

I attended my second Women of Faith conference this summer. This was only 2 weeks after I had found out about Big Red's act of adultery. One of the core speakers was Nicole Johnson. She spoke of being a princess in God's eyes. I went to the website recently and discovered the following:

God Names You Princess

Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 16:11

God draws near to our hoping, trembling hearts and whispers one word: princess. Heaven holds its breath as He speaks a name that is deeper than our gifts or abilities; a name that gives us our place and purpose in the world. For a woman, it is a portrait of her heart and soul, which belongs only to her and to no one else in the same way. It expresses the nature, the character, and the life purpose of the woman who bears it. To paraphrase George MacDonald, “Who can give a woman this, her own name? God alone. For no one but God knows and delights in who she is, and who she will become.”

No one but God can recognize you fully. No one but God can love you completely. No one but God can name you Princess.

Nicole Johnson
Keeping a Princess Heart

Excerpted from Faith for a Lifetime: Daily Inspiration for Women of Faith
© 2005 Women of Faith, Inc. All rights reserved.

Since the conference my Mom has even gotten me a small crown. I keep it in my bathroom on a shelf next to my mirror. It helps me every morning to remember that God's opinion is most important and He thinks I'm a Princess.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Kids today...

So I am about to enjoy a 4 day weekend! The only children I will be around are related by blood and I can walk away if I want to. I don't have to watch them, referee them or monitor them in any way. I know it makes me sound old but kids today really are different. Due to state licensing regulations of daycares we are not even allowed to give a "timeout" in my classroom. So the children know there are no "real" consequences and behave accordingly. Anyway I choose this career and I do love my job...most days.

I am sure that good ole Mom will be keeping me hopping trying to finish up everything before Christmas. In some aspects I am ready for the day itself to be over so that the stress level can return to "normal". I'm not stressed but others around me are. I am sad about spending my first Christmas in seven years without Big Red. I know it's the right thing to do but the pain is still very real.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Filler and fluff

In honor of the fact that I still don't feel that great and managed to slip in a 3 hour nap today I am going to go with the old stand by of quizzes and polls.

Christmas Elf Name

My Christmas Elf Name is
Get your Christmas Elf Name at

And if that wasn't bad enough...

My ethnically enhanced global village name is Olena Fontanne.
Take The Global Village Multi Culti Name Generator today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005


I feel like poo! Those lovely children I work with have coughed sneezed and spread their little germs all over me for the past week and I can't fight it anymore. My throat hurts, my sinuses are screaming at me and I have no voice left. This is not a good combo when working with LOUD 2 year olds. If I was a snowman I'm sure this picture would describe how I feel.

Apparently I am not the only person ailing from this dreadful bug. I received a call from my lawyers secretary. She had to cancel today because she went home after seeing her own doctor. (We sent home a few of our kids with fevers and the dreaded black lung like cough also.) I have the option of rescheduling with her but not until mid-January. I have been given a little more advice about sorting through the Debts vs. Assets debate from the finance dude at Church. I will elaborate at a different time. I need to process the information and get the little man with the giant hammer out of my head first.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Feeling Grinch-like?

So I have the first appointment with my attorney tomorrow. It still sounds weird to me. I am feeling good about the action of divorce (well as good as one can feel) but I am feeling like a Grinch for doing this the week of Christmas. I am sure Big Red will not actually get served with the papers this week but nonetheless...I just need to remember that ultimately it was his choices and actions that led us down this road. If you see me and I look a little green remind me of that statement.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Crack the whip until she gives

Well today my Mother seemed to belittle "your religion" and debunk all of my childhood memories all in one fell swoop. She has questioned me several times on what I believe are acceptable projects to work with on Sundays. I keep trying to explain that God asked us to rest on Sundays. Yes we have certain tasks to complete during the course of the day. Don't get me wrong I am not one of those people who believe in a certain number of steps being allowed etc. This is just an area of my life that God has really brought to my attention. It was during a time when Big Red thought we should be working to remodel the house 24/7. A direct quote from Big Red, "You don't really need 7-8 hours of sleep. You only work 40 hours a week now." I had just come off a salaried job that consisted of a 60+ hour work week. God convicted me on making time for Him and honoring Him by resting (not working on remodeling projects) 1 day out of the week. So I gave in today and finished a project for her. Sigh.

She also informed me that my memories of growing up in a house where Church was important and how I viewed my parents relationship were also wrong. I didn't even argue with her. How I viewed things was what was presented to me by them. But I can't argue with a woman who doesn't remember a conversation we had 30 minutes ago.

I guess I am doomed to be wrong until I move out. BUT the little passive aggressive comments will have to stop or I will be spending ALL my time in my room. Every sentence that has Big Red's name in it can't pass without her tacking on the word, "Allegedly". He may be not be up for sainthood but not every word spoken by him was a lie! I keep sharing my frustrations with her. I tell her at the moment she says something if I don't need to hear it. I am extremely peaceful about this divorce and I don't need her to fuel any unnecessary emotions. I will work through this at my own pace, not hers. She can be angry but please don't EXPOUND upon it everyday with me.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Only 6 days left

Last minute pollsters! I will keep the present poll about the "Christmas vs. Holiday" debate up until Christmas Eve. Vote while you can!

She's driving me crazy!

I have come to the conclusion that a 30 something female is not meant to live with her mother while going through a divorce! In fact if Big Red wasn't such a jerk/unfaithful husband, and if God hadn't released me from this marriage I would be tempted to go back home. She can't remember a conversation that happened less than 24 hours ago. She swears she told me things I have never heard before in my ENTIRE life. She told me half the "agenda" and left the room to finish doing her hair. She never came back so I thought she was done with her plan. Now she expects me to know the rest of her plan. When I repeated back what she said she said,"Well I didn't go to the same counselor as you so that irritates me because it makes me think my mouth doesn't work!" I told her when I repeat things I am making sure I heard it all correctly. She said I was wrong. She repeated verbatim what I said and said to me, "There are you happy." I think she may have finally completely lost it! She wonders why I spend so much time in my room...

Friday, December 16, 2005

It's not worth it

I actually laughed out loud at this one. Then I began to think of the relevance it has in my life right now. There are very few things worth fighting about with Big Red concerning the house. I do believe it should be a "fair" split. It is my understanding that because we don't have living children the courts will split the debt and assets down the middle. Of course I would want any "memory" items of my Father's (he passed away 6 years ago) that I accidentally left at the house. I do not want to deprive him of his "memory" items either.

I did however take the "memory box" that I put together with the keepsake items from the miscarriages. It has the ultrasound pictures, cards from friends and a book called "Please Mommy Don't cry" with the children's names written inside the front cover. The book has helped me tremendously by reminding me that my children are in Heaven and I will get to see them again someday. I don't think he is as sentimental as I am, so he most likely will not miss this unless someone mentions that I have it.

I have an appointment with my lawyer on Tuesday. I need to sit down and make a list of assets versus debt with specifics before I go. I'm sure some of the items in the house that are parts to collections or specialty items will require appraisals.

On the up side to all this Big Red has gotten VERY MELLOW. I honestly believe I have taken the "wind out of his sails". I do know that God has once again placed a multitude of things in Big Red's life for him to deal with on an immediate basis. He has disclosed a few of these issues to me and I can say that he is going to have his hands full for the next several years working through these issues. He has put dealing with some of these off for years and it has caught up to him. God is once again bringing Big Red to his knees to get his attention. Big Red even stated to me that I could do whatever I needed to and he would just sign the papers. Now mind you I really don't have any delusions of it being THAT easy but I don't think I'm in for as much of a fight as I anticipated.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Wet T-Shirt

Somehow the look on this kids face makes me think this might have been a deliberate act. Or at least some sort of revenge.

On a positive note... I'm not giving up the possibility of children of my own someday. Either through remarriage or maybe international adoption. Who knows? It's a little while off yet.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

A little too close to home...

Maybe I should have taken the arguments that Big Red and I had about who cleans the cat litter box a little more serious. This article looks at the recent tragedy in our community. How idiotic that someone would take 4 lives over "chores".

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The fun of snow!

At least it makes me think of some place warmer than here.

Ok I know, I know a little morbid. Well at least I think it's funny!
(Click on pictures for a bigger version)

When I was a kid we lived next to a church with a big parking lot. The great thing about that was that when we got a decent amount of snow the trucks would come and push the snow all to one side next to a big yard. The best times that I remember are building forts in those huge snow mounds. Not just any forts. Forts with tunnels to hide inside of, forts with places to store snowballs for inevitable attacks on other neighborhood kids. We even made "emergency escape routes" by bringing pitchers of water out to pour down the sides. When it froze again it was a great slide AND great defense against someone trying to climb the sides for an attack of there own. We had to learn to be careful not to spill the water on the "ready made snowballs" because they would turn to ice balls...well a few bloody noses later we decided that wasn't a good idea. We also had to use care to use only fresh snow for snowballs... first because this was out in the country and dogs just roamed around in our little town and second...because the parking lot was gravel...enough said.

When we started out doing this I was one of the youngest kids so I was an easy target. I quickly learned how to defend myself, not that it was a"fair" defense but it kept me from what I was sure would be a quick yet painful death by snow. As the others got older and went off to join High School friends and other ventures I slowly recruited other newer kids in the neighborhood. I trained them well. I remember one time when we had school cancelled because of the weather. We had all the kids out...even the kids from the parsonage and the kids who came into town to get their mail on snowmobiles. It was the best! For the first time I wasn't the youngest in an all out snowball fight. But we "youngins" had trained well. We actually held our own against the bigger kids for the afternoon. Well in hindsight it was probably only 10 or 20 minutes but we felt like kings. We felt invincible!

That, my friends, is one of the best memories I have from my childhood because I don't think I felt that way again for the next 20 years. I thought no one could stop me then. I had the whole world in my little 11 year old hands. Now I have the freedom and peace given to me by God alone to feel that way again.

Monday, December 12, 2005

I feel so loved

Seriously I feel like my friends are all coming around me to support and encourage me. I knew that God was behind me but I had no idea how many people would wrap their arms around me, hug me, pray with me, help me and just love on me. I know that there will be people who don't agree with me, who think I'm wrong and will judge me but guess what....I don't care! I'm ok with God and the friend support is just an added bonus. Of course, I have more hair than Chuck but hey the picture worked for me.

I have heard that Big Red will be starting over in the God department. Apparently after he spoke to Pastor (the AP) or should I say was knocked off his high horse...he was urged to start over and see where he missed a step in his walk with God. If he wants to call himself a Christian he needs to start over and act like one. So he went back to the New Believers class to start from the beginning. I'm glad. It won't change anything from my perspective...there is no going back. However I'm hoping that it will change him, that he will be the person I know God intends for him to be.

But as for now I'm at peace and even getting my sense of humor back...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Perfect Love

Perfect Love is what it is about.

I found the above link on another web site Does anybody read these? and linked it because it is so profound to me. God wants me to find His perfect love. I already know He loves me but sometimes just need to be reminded...gently.

We had an incredible worship service this morning and I went back tonight to hear about a missions trip to the New Orleans area. All day I have been in His presence and I feel so at peace.

Today I feel like "Big Red who?" I don't recognize that name...

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Release me...

Sorry I can't resist the temptation to post the lyrics to the old Wilson Phillips song, Release me.

I have let it go. I just hope in time Big Red will let me go and make this as "non-ugly" as possible. It's over there is no turning back now.

Calmer now...sigh

Well I have talked to Big Red again and he seems much calmer. He spoke with one of his buddies that went through his anger management classes with him. He has decided to proceed through this being as civil as possible. Not that I really believe that...{oh like he is going to suddenly be bitten by the honesty bug and be like Jim Carey in Liar,Liar who could tell no lies}. I didn't agree to anything except that I would tell him before I decided (or met with) between a mediator and a lawyer (already have the lawyer appointment just didn't want to fan the embers). And that we could both be present with a church person or a police officer (some sort of third party) if anything else is taken out of the house.

Well we will see...'s over or is it just beginning?

Well we went in and all in two trips took out the things that were mine. Of course he stated he will be calling the police. I called them and he has not called yet. I have done nothing illegal. He says he is moving out of the house and I will be responsible for all the bills on it. He stated that I didn't get Godly Counsel in this matter. I did and even gave him a name of a person whom I know can hold her own. I spoke with one of the pastors a few minutes ago. His comment was, "Look he can try to make this ugly (which he said he is going to do) but the bottom line is that he made choices to not listen to the help provided and use everyone he could in the process."

I am wavering between utter disappointment in how he is acting (very Non-Christian), resolution to the situation (he hasn't been very 'God-like' for quite a while), sorrow that this is actually happening and confusion to how things ended up this way. Once again I put it in God's hands. He is ready to comfort me, protect and shield me.

Can't sleep

I suppose I am just nervous that I am going to have enough help today to get the dressers down the stairs. I have decided that I will drive by around 8:30 am to see if he is home. If he's there I will call and ask to have the house to myself for a few hours to collect more of my winter clothes and some things I need. In the past we have honored this agreement because he doesn't want to be around me when I'm mad. LOL I wonder why?

Check out the new blogpoll I created. I just HAD to join in on the debate :o)

Friday, December 09, 2005


I think things are falling together a little better. I came across this posting today on the Heart after Jesus Blog. I have regained that sense of peace again that everything will be OK.


Ok today is kind of a down day for me. Tomorrow is supposed to be the big move but one by one people have started backing out on me. Apparently people are a little afraid that Big Red will be there and/or come home and go crazy with his arsenal. I am not blaming anyone for backing out. They need to do what is right for them and I respect that. I am just upset because this is not going as planned. Originally I had about 15 people set up to come in, do it all in one trip and be done. Now I'm down to 3 "for sures" and 4 "maybe". I'm at less than half now by the best circumstances. I know everything will be fine it's just slowly becoming more and more difficult. I honestly don't think he will hurt anyone. I think if he really cared he wouldn't have continued to cheat. As long as we stay clear of "his stuff" we will be fine.

The song that keeps going through my head is Held by Natalie Grant. As Christians we are never promised an easy path but we are told He will be there to carry us through.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

News Alert! Blitz attack coming!

I spoke with my friend who happens to be a counselor tonight. Side note: We have tried really hard to avoid this topic lately. I told her I am going to file and explained my plans. She advised me NOT to tell him before the move on Saturday. She believes that he might destroy items. She said it was my call but I think I tend to agree with her on this one. She said that she wouldn't even tell him I was going to file, "That's called 'being served' and you pay for that anyway." So that's the plan since he's not supposed to be home on Saturday.

She was one of the people I was nervous about telling. She said, "Good. Sounds like it's time. (Big Red) made the choice when he choose not to listen to the help he was given." I didn't even tell her that much but the other people involved at the church (2 pastors and 2 class leaders) told her with our permission. They have kept her updated.

Next planned event: Blitz attack at 9:00am Saturday morning!

Here we go...


Well it's official. I've started the process. I opened up new bank accounts today to protect myself financially. I know I'll still pay bills and protect our credit during this but I can't say the same for Big Red. I also called and made THE APPOINTMENT. I meet with my lawyer on Dec 20th. It sounds so far away but it is really only about 1 1/2 weeks away. That sounds so strange...My lawyer.

I spoke with one of my Pastors last night and he made an interesting comment. He has been very involved in our lives for the past 8 months well... really ever since we have know him. Needless to say he knows us both very well as we are friends with him and his wife. Anyway back to the comment. I told him about my plans for moving on Saturday, my plans for telling Big Red a) I'm moving b)It's over and I'm filing for a divorce (whew) and where God has taken me and the things He has taught me. During this conversation he said, "I'm sorry it has come to this but... this has been a long time coming. " I looked at him and he said, "Well you guys have been going through this for a long time now." I told him that I was waiting for the "release from God" and that He had done that several weeks ago at the retreat and I was perfecting the timing of all this. He said he understood. I think it is almost like everyone else is tired of seeing me fight a losing battle. I'm fine with that because I am right with God. I needed to wait on God's timing so that 10 years from now I don't look back with regrets.

The Bible verse above is one a friend gave me when I was really struggling this past summer. I find it to be very encouraging because I know that God has released me from the obligation (or vow) I made to stay in this marriage. He will guide my steps and protect me during this whole thing. I also know that if this lawyer isn't right for me He will provide one that will protect me as well. I'm not going into this naive but I am also not willing to let Big Red ruin me financially either.

And by the way I'm still moving whether we are having a blizzard or not! WE CAN DO IT!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

long lost...

My long lost brother! What have they done to you!?

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

A new discussion link...

I wanted to let you know about a new link to a blog called Legalism stinks. It is an open forum to throw around ideas about the church in general and people's different views on various aspects of Faith. Check it out and throw in your two cents worth.

Do they have a card for this?

This is really how I have felt lately. I'm not sure if it is the cold weather, being dark later in the morning or if I'm just plain tired. I stopped taking my "sleepy time" medicine over 1 1/2 months ago. I have been sleeping well...who knows.

Not too much new on the Big Red front. I still haven't figured out the right timing or situation to tell him I'm moving on Saturday and I'll be filing for divorce. I suppose a card is out of the question. Do they make a card for that?

Roses are Red ....Violets are blue screwed around so I'm divorcing you.....

Work has been interesting. I had an altercation with a "supervisor" today. She had a "Big Hair" day. When she comes in to work in the morning you can tell her mood by the size of her hair. No LIE. The bigger her hair the bigger her attitude. Of course she had complete unfettered run of the place today so was chaos...I mean "interesting". She can be quite rude but I've been told she is just blunt...HA...I think it is rude to stand and demean or reprimand someone in front of a fellow coworker for 20 minutes. If she has an issue she should discuss it in private. But then she would lose her audience. Oh well.

I need to go make my "appearance" in front of my Mother. She feels like I'm ignoring her...geez I can't make anyone happy these days!

Monday, December 05, 2005

The Race

After I'm done running this race and I'm standing face to face with the creator Himself...I want to walk out of this life with no regrets about how I've handled myself. I want to have no second thoughts, no should have, could have or if only's. I want to have fulfilled His purpose...not mine alone. I want to take as many friends and others with me as I can. Are you coming?


Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Late? Twice?!

As you can tell I have discovered a new perk or toy on this blog thingy. I guess it is not new as much as I finally figured out how to use it.

So today is my Mother's birthday. She managed to go to 2 different churches for services (one for a singing thing for a grandson and the other her "home" church). The only reason I point this out is because somehow she managed to be late to BOTH services. She came home in between the two and all she did was take off her shoes. I left in my car and her last words to me were, "I'm right behind you". I got there a little early to talk to people but she still managed to be 10 minutes late to the service that is only 5 minutes from the house! Big Red's accountability person told me he hasn't spoken to him in 3 or 4 days. I informed him of the decisions I have made lately and told him it didn't really matter if Big Red spoke with him or not from my perspective. A.P. did advise me to tell Big Red BEFORE the move next weekend. I don't know how to do this... He said he would think about a few solutions or possible scenarios and get back to me. This should be an interesting week to say the least!

Ran into...

Sorry I couldn't resist this one! After all the grief Big Red has given me (and I have taken from him) I think it is ok to have a few little digs at him. I would not actually harm him...that would mean I would get stuck with the house...eeekk!

Saturday, December 03, 2005

The garage...sigh

So today I spent 2 1/2 hours or so clearing things out of my Mother's garage. The plan started out being to rearrange so that next weekend I would be able to fit my bounty from the great move. But enter Mom...

"Could you please find the Christmas decorations while your out there and bring them in so that we can put them up soon?" Sigh... Yes when she said find she meant locate in the vast amount of boxes that she had piled into the garage over the course of the last year since she took them down. So instead of simply moving and rearranging the boxes I now had to open every single one to see if it contained festive decorations. I think this year when we pack them up we (ok so it will be me) will be LABELING everything. I know it is a shocking concept but .... hey lets try something well... just downright crazy. Oh but wait there's more! My Mother is the original packrat! She buys things (specifically Christmas items for the sake of this post) at garage sales and online auction sites throughout the entire year and now expected me to find them. I guess this would be the one upside to all the memory problems she has been experiencing lately. It's not like she going to remember ALL the things she bought.

So she arrived home peeked in the garage and asked me if I "found anything interesting out there". Now that's a loaded question to say the least. First of all let's look at a few basic facts:
* She is a packrat. No question about it.
* She is a compulsive shopper. When items are bought she stuffs them anywhere she can find space.
* She is a clown. Yes as in the real thing with face painted and all the gimmicks to go along with it.
* She occasionally runs across an item and swears she never bought that it must belong to one of the children (that would be my sister or I). She buys so much that SHE can't even remember it all.

Long story... No I didn't find the "Magnetic Polka Dots" for your car.

I believe I have created enough room to fit most (if not all) of my items next weekend. Of course that is provided she doesn't go shopping between now and then...

Friday, December 02, 2005

A sad day for children everywhere

The author of the Berenstain Bears has died.

I will figure out the link someday. Until then you need to copy and paste.

I can see it now...Captain Kangaroo, Mister Rogers, Dr. Seuss and Stan Berenstain are all having a party...maybe even with my kids...

Thanks to Loni at
for the information.

The only reason I posted this is because it is my favorite ice cream...

You Are Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream

A classic and an original, no wonder everyone snakes your style!

My Brain pattern???

Your Brain's Pattern

Your brain is always looking for the connections in life.
You always amaze your friends by figuring out things first.
You're also good at connecting people - and often play match maker.
You see the world in fluid, flexible terms. Nothing is black or white.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

New Orleans and Bulgaria???

The missions trip...

Well as I sat and listened to a friend discuss her recent missions trip to New Orleans (to help with clean up) last night during class it finally made sense..well sort of.
She said that she came back with a picture in her head of a little 18 month old boy she saw holding his Father's hand in a line to receive free food on Thanksgiving day. She spoke briefly with the man and learned that he had lost everything he owned and came out to get food from "volunteer groups" every day with his son. As my friend reflected on this picture she thought about this: Nothing else mattered or even made sense to that little boy except that his Dad was holding his hand and providing him with the basics (like food). She said it reminded her of our relationship with our own Heavenly Father. He is there to hold our hand, provide for us and comfort us when nothing makes sense. When we feel like the rug has been ripped out from under us...He is there. When we hear the "dreadful news"...He is there. When your world seems out of control and you don't know what to do He is there to hold our hands, provide for us (whatever the need) and comfort us. The key is this: We must trust Him to do this with the faith of a child. The little boy trusted his earthly Father like we need to trust in our Heavenly Father.

My points are:
* God will see me through this situation with Big Red if I let Him. I'm not in control and He needs me to realize this so that He can help me.
*My friend also stated that she came back very grateful for what she does have and with "a new outlook and perspective on her life and what it means."
* I believe God is urging me to go to Bulgaria at that particular time because I WILL need a fresh outlook by that time. The divorce will either be final or nearing the end by that time.